Thursday Thought — Where to Get Help When Everyone Sides with Him
Sometimes it just becomes too painful to keep trying to get the people around you to see the truth. When people are impressed with your partner and convinced that he’s a great person, your efforts to get them to see won’t always work. They don’t want to believe they idolized a false icon, so it’s easier to blame the victim.
So sometimes you’re better off letting go of trying to open their eyes. Instead, look elsewhere for support, validation, and safety. Some places you might turn to include:
- Friends and relative who don’t live close by, so they haven’t been swayed by your community’s mythology about your partner
- Websites for women who have faced abuse by influential abusers … or where you could seek out women whose experiences are similar to yours …
- A hotline or support group for abused women …
A day will come when you can get yourself into circumstances where people validate and support you. You will be able to surround yourself with friends who don’t know the man who abused you and haven’t been indoctrinated by his allies. I recognize what a painful journey it can be to get there, but you will make it. He will not succeed in controlling you forever.
(Entry from Lundy Bancroft’s Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? [*Affiliate link] p242)
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link
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- Posted in: Supporting victims
- Tagged: disclosing abuse, Lundy Bancroft, recovery, Thursday Thought
A Cry For Justice 
Yes after my church refused to help me, I became desperate. I called the domestic abuse hotline and they immediately understood what was going on. They even respected my faith and fears of divorce. God kept me in His hands even when the church rejected me. I’m so thankful that the hotline was there for me to begin my journey to freedom. I am now completely free of my abuser and the church eventually saw the truth.
Thank you for sharing. I find myself in a similar situation. Two decades of verbal and financial abuse had me feeling as though it was my fault. He had a serious disease and was miraculously healed (literally). I prayed, our pastor & elders prayed and within 1 month of his all clear diagnosis he was 2xs worse. I had developed a closer walk with Jesus during the illness and I guess I fooled myself into thinking he had changed. (I am separated.) He doesn’t give much cash but God is good and I encourage any woman to call an abuse hotline. It took courage but after I thought he might be watching porn and saw the masochistic kind I knew I needed to talk to somebody. She gave me a way to plan.
Hi Heimudan, welcome to the blog. 🙂
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And what of her deep justified anger, and the wounds within her family, the children she has lost who do not see her, nor speak to her, the grandchildren she cries out for…growing up as a stranger…. to their aunts, uncles…grandmother…siblings divided…the nest destroyed…many years gone- never to return- he’s taken the best of her years, the very best of her is gone…what now?
Reblogged this on Speakingtruthinlove's Blog [Internet Archive link].
Forgive me if I do not have your optimism, my precious daughter raised in Christ, loved Christ, well educated, trained for ministry married a very intelligent psychopath that masquerades in a hero’s uniform… He has robbed her of her identity and my grandchildren are his play things … I [reported the situation to the proper authorities] and they did not do anything!!! So my grandkids lost their soft place to fall & they are under absolute, destructive control of…
What is the purpose of this site?
Hi Jenny,
I’m so so sorry to hear that that authorities have not acted on your report! Well done you for making the report!
May I suggest that you contact you local women’s centre and / or a hotline about domestic abuse and / or child protection, and get advice from more people about what you can do from here? Maybe there is some way you can make the report again, or provide further info to substantiate you r concerns and thus get the authorities to take it more seriously. Also, you might like to look at the website G.R.A.C.E. as there may be some good info and suggestions for you there.
You may also find some helpful links on these two pages which are part of our Resources:
Children of Domestic Abuse
Supporters of Victims of Domestic Abuse
And the purpose of this site is to awaken the evangelical church to domestic violence and abuse in its midst. This involves supporting and offering education and information to victims / survivors of domestic abuse and those who are supporting or wanting to help victims. And educating the church at large (if it will listen).
Replying to two your responses- Hello Barbara, I cannot fathom how horrendous your grief is for so many hearts and souls in seemingly hopeless abuse… You have my appreciation and prayers for sure…
I, maybe ignorantly, want my real name used.
I want to shout the abusers name from the housetops, if it would do any good.
I have cried out to every possible venue to no avail, and I don’t think anyone believes because he has trained his family to sit on his lap and be joyful in front of others… as he represents an organization of heroes… At first when I cried out, I was told I had to turn them in; my fear that my loved would not get help and lose their only hope… When I reported it that is exactly what happened…
Now when I cry out these same organizations say, “… you have done all you can do… you did the right thing…” Just a bunch of nonsense. I wish I had never listened to them to start with as they gave a lot of bad advice…as I had thought that maybe eventually my daughter would have overcome … and stopped selling her soul and her children’s souls to a monster…
I looked for a support group from many professional orgs for the abused but there aren’t any, though I had their ‘understanding’… I will try the links you provided…
So, you work with educating churches, does that mean you speak at and help them organize support groups and such? I would like to get involved with that as I grasp at any straws of hope… Thank you for your heart of action, really! I cannot make the report again because I have tried and there is a ‘time limit’ on reporting the sexual abuse of children!!! I go to [redacted} Church in [redacted], my pastor is gone planting a church in another state right now but I would like to introduce him to your org if you will help me know how.
Thanks again, as my soul / every generation grows into the abuse and the destruction it wreaks on their beings…
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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Hi Jenny,
Sorry but we are not okay with you using your real name on the blog. The reason is that while you may feel safe doing so, you daughter’s may be more in danger if you do so. And there is another reason: we are not willing to expose the blog to the risk of being sued for making allegations of crimes such as this. If we published your real name and the name of your church and city and state, your daughter and your grandchildren could perhaps be identified by the abuser and his allies. And if that happened, your daughter and your grandkids would be probably abused even more than they already are. We always prioritise the safety of victims.
So we can’t let you use the blog to shout from the rooftops about this crime in a way that could identify the criminal or his victims. I hope you understand.
I understand your desire to shout it from the rooftops…. it’s just that this blog can’t be the place for that megaphone.
We are happy for you to share your experiences and your feelings and your thoughts, but not in a way that might identify the victims to those who know you or them.
As regards support groups — this blog is a kind of support group. That’s all we can do. We are all volunteers here. You might like to read our About Us page to find out who we are a bit more.
The best way to introduce your pastor to our work is to direct him to the blog. Or invite him to read Jeff Crippen’s book Unholy Charade [*Affiliate link]. You can find that book on the Books section of our Resources.
Jeff occasionally speaks at other churches. I’m in Australia. I have seldom been invited to speak at church events here. When I next visit the USA could perhaps speak at a church.
By the way, I encourage you not to see your daughter as dysfunctional or ‘selling her soul’ to the monster. Depicting the victim like that is not helpful, because it lays blame on the victim or pathologizes them. The abuser is the one who should bear the blame, the responsibility. The way victims respond to abuse may look ‘dysfunctional’ or ‘pathological’ to outsiders, but it is not. It is simply the way the victim is best able to respond to an incredibly evil situation.
I strongly recommend you to read this article: Respecting and Listening to Victims of Violence.
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.
From Barb’s comment:
Another one of those seeming gaps….
I know, I understand, I have spent an entire lifetime in abusive relationships.
I know, I understand, the abusers bear the responsibility for their actions, not me.
Somehow, somewhere, there is still part of me that thinks the dysfunction lies with me.
I cannot see the situation as evil.
I can apply Barb’s comment to others, but not to myself.
I do not understand this….
Adding on to my own comment….
I wrote:
^That.
I wrote:
I understand (now) why I felt / continue to feel the dysfunction lies with me. I have SO many pictures in my mind for which I have no words (or a limited number of words) to explain what I am thinking / experiencing / feeling / etc.
Thinking in pictures makes verbal or written communication / sharing difficult when I am attempting to explain nuances in concepts (etc.) to someone when I cannot find the words, and there are no handy-dandy reference books / blog posts / articles / etc. from which I can (in the moment) hijack the words / phrases / etc. I need to express myself.
I wrote:
^That.
There is a gap between what I know / understand / etc. and my ability to communicate / share without coming across as insensitive / condescending / uninformed / etc. I would cry if I could, but I can’t, so instead I double over in non-physical pain at my inability to be an active participant in a conversation.
There are times when having Asperger’s AND thinking predominantly in pictures leaves me wanting to crawl into a cave and hide.
I barely understand; but to whatever degree I understand, I sympathise and empathise.