Gift Books offer

16 thoughts on “Gift Books offer”

1. Thank you for making these materials available to those who need them but can’t safely or financially purchase them. This offer is a breath of fresh air in the the midst of the exclusive availability we experience in (C)hristian book stores. For decades, I have commented to myself that these stores are for the middle and upper class shoppers. A person with limited resources cannot hope to learn about Jesus or culturally relevant matters by shopping here. So where is Jesus in this market, who cared about “the least of these”?

   ACFJ is a ministry committed to “the least of these”. A breath of fresh air.

2. Hello
   I found your site after Googling ’emotional abuse+christian’. A dear friend is mired in this situation, and I was so anxious about the responsibility of being her only confidante. Thanks to your site, and a few others, I was able to point her towards other sources of support. I was also able to warn her off having standard joint marital counselling with her pastor.

   Unfortunately, it is still early days, and I know she will need a lot of strength to cope with the months ahead (ironically, that’s the very thing that has fallen off her). Your site is really, really helpful. It has so many resources for supporters. I found it at just the right time.

   What an amazing ministry you here. My only problem is how to safely pass on the info to my friend — what would you suggest?

   P.S. I am using a pseudonym to protect my friend.

   1. A friend of mine years and years ago gave me a book by mail along with other things. She had covered the book in a flowery contact paper or other paper to disguise it. I was shocked when I opened it and read it. It was the beginning of realizing it maybe abuse. She had listened for years by phone. Eventually my husband did find it and read it a bit (I think) because he asked me flat out one day if I thought he was abusive. I said yes at times as causally as I could and walked away as if to do something else. That was the beginning of more anger and lots more outbursts. Or maybe that was how it had always been it just seemed clearer to me. I hid the book under my mattress for a while. I still have it tucked away. I have been afraid to get it out and others for fear of it being found again.

      Just a week ago my h accused me of calling him soooo evil. Actually he has said it numerous times in the last week. I have never said it to him. He said I was making serious charges against him???? I can only think of what happened a couple years ago when a counselor was involved and guess he is thinking back to that time. Anyways he was fighting with himself it seemed because I wasn’t even talking. It made me feel like I was crazy because maybe I said something and didn’t even know it? I wasn’t even thinking it. I was just getting scared at how angry he was getting and how hurtful he was at saying things like how manipulative I am, he’s seen it in past failed friendships and failed family relationships and my past extremely abusive marriage and how now he knows how my ex husband felt. That one stuck the hardest because I WASN’T LYING, or making up bruises or PTSD. It makes me cry every time I think of him even saying that!!!!

      Now he is being loving and caring and thoughtful. Even asked if I wanted a ______ [redacted]. That was just weird! Coming from him but it confused me because he was so very awful and now hugging and loving. It makes me think I am missing something here. Did he apologize and I forgot? I should I just forgive and forget? Am I the one dwelling on the past to the point of missing the reconciliation? Am I too hard on him and it frustrates him into yelling out of frustration and anger at the constant bad situation or my inability to move on? He even went as far as to say how he’d support me through school for a couple years and that’s it. He meant it as to say our relationship would then be over we could part ways. So now for him to just move on and be all happy man is EXTREMELY distressing to me. I don’t know how to be AT all.

      1. HisBannerOverMeIsLove- one of the key things I have learned is that abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics. Nothing you do causes him to abuse you, and there is nothing you can do to cause him not to abuse you. Abuse is a choice he makes. He might like you to think that you “make him mad”, so he can guilt you into feeling responsible for his behavior, but it is not your fault. You do know how to be AT all. The problem is with him. And forgiving and forgetting obviously hasn’t been solving the problem, since it is still ongoing and has happened repeatedly. If you get a chance, read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”, which will go into detail about the mindset of the abuser and the points I touched on in this comment. Sending you a hug and prayers.

      2. HBOMIL,

         Hi ACFJ team…hope this is ok to say in the blog. If it’s not, I would understand about it not being posted.

         I HATE what he’s doing to you! Yes, I completely understand that you would feel confused and crazy about these things. This IS crazy-making IMO. 😖 IMO you are not at all crazy. I HATE that he’s doing these things to you!

         I HATE that the abuser did the same exact things to me. It was emotional, spiritual, sexual, physical and mental chaos all of the time.

         Hard as I tried, I could NEVER make sense of any of it. And just when I thought I could make sense of it / found some steadiness / something healthy I enjoyed / some structure or some sort of base that’s when the abuser would change tactics and it would send everything in a different direction again. The abuser was masterful at it.

         I came to a point where, like you, I never knew how to be at all.

         I even struggle knowing how to be at all around others now in general since I left the abuser. I believe I’m traumatized. Healing with the truth.

         And certainly most other people don’t understand this and many who I’ve tried to explain any of this to just don’t accept it or believe it. So it’s easier to shun me I guess.

         Now that I’ve listened to a few sermons on evil by Jeff C I’m better able to see why people dont like me. I don’t agree with their perverted / evil ways and comments and I think they know that sometimes without me saying a word.

         And in all this I know it is right to respect others in every way and so that does include me receiving respect too. However the abusers in my life somehow believed I was exempt from receiving any type of respect. Yet I was required to respect the evil ones and go along with it all or else they would devour me. And devour me they did.

         I like the idea of sending a book covered up like that to someone I know is being abused. Thanks for sharing that, HBOMIL.

         Reminds me of a dear friend who was tortured by a man in her life. She once gave me a book called The Sociopath Next Door. I never read it. I remember opening it and not even seeing the words written in it. I was completely BLIND. She loved me dearly. She was trying to save me. I didn’t know that. I had no clue the severity of what she went through or what I was going through. Many years later she killed herself. I can see it ALL now. Her pain!!!! No one helped her!!!! She cried out in many ways to many people. The evil was so hidden (or was it? I, for one, was certainly blind) and it destroyed her very life! I am outraged about this and I always will be.

         I wish I knew you ladies on here personally out in the world so that we could see each other face to face. Just leave us BE, Right? We don’t have to BE anything except ourselves! Validation and respect and honor. That’s a freedom right there IMO.

         I know here we can be who we are and speak freely like that. I thank God for that.

      3. Hi HBOMIL and Kim,
         I second what you said Kim about “you do know how to be at all.” And I second that HE is the one with the problem. I think the Why does He Do That? book outlines that message very well. Kim, thanks for that reminder. The abusers ARE the one with the problem. That’s right. End of story.

         Why Does He Do that? is an excellent resource IMO. HBOMIL, I’ve read it once in it’s entirety and now I can turn to any page for validation about my feelings and reminders about why I have reacted in certain ways and why what I was getting stuck in was not my doing.

         Having a glimpse into the mindset and drive behind the abuser is very helpful for me. I’ve carried the blame and the guilt that was always only his to carry for many many years. It’s wonderful to see it written out so clearly IMO.

         I’m thankful you are here.

         Asking for His will and protection and justice and vindication in your precious life, HBOMIL, and for all survivors.

   2. Hi Concerned friend, well done for suporting your friend! 🙂

      You are right to be mindful of her safety. In passing on the info to your friend, it is wise to be aware that if her abuser finds out that she knows about this blog, he is likely to escalate his abuse. So I suggest some options for you to think about — but you know your situation and hers better than we do, so adapt these ideas to what might work best for her.

      Tell her face to face, or by phone, at a time when he is not present.
      Invite her to visit you and show her the blog on your computer.

      If she reads the blog on her own computer or phone, it is best for her to make sure her web activity is not easy for him to spy on. We have a page on our Resources for Cyber Safety and Social Networking. I suggest you read the links on that page; they will give you and her ideas for how to best manage her cyber safety.

      There are also some links on our resources page for Supporters of Victims of Domestic Abuse, which you may find helpful.

      And we have a category within our posts for Supporting Victims.

3. Kim and I Can See, thank you. It has been suggested to me to read that book many times. I keep putting it off….I’m thinking of how to order it and keep it hidden and read it etc. I wonder if it is at the library. I could go read it for an hour here and there.

   Tonight was difficult again. It seems everything I mentioned as something he said that hurt me he mirrored back that I did that to him too. 😦 It seems to boil down to he felt attacked by me because I said he woke me when he said Something and it was taken as IF I was accusing him of being evil. That because of that he felt I deserved to be called names and that I exaggerated how he was so that Makes me crazy like my ex h said I was and he of course sees now how my ex h must have felt. 😦 OUCH! Just excuses to be how he wants.

   Praying for wisdom and timing to speak to him about him taking an apartment for a while so the kids and I can live in peace and he can also, especially if he feels he’s walking on eggshells around me constantly and unable to do anything right and always afraid of being accused of abuse etc.

   He said how peaceful it is when I’m gone (the kids have a different story, course that’s not true) and how unpeaceful it is every time I get home.

   That is true. And not true. When I get home everyone is playing video games and not done with homework or chores. When I find out they all avoided work, the very bare minimum basics of life I tell them to go do it. He stays on the computer and says how they said it was done. He doesn’t check and honestly who cares. It still has to be done so somebody has to initiate it. They don’t want to do it (kids are kinda like that) so they complain and that gets him mad and the whole thing bubbles over. Ending with him saying how he hates us or can’t stand us etc. I guess it was better when I did everything and nobody had to help. Better as far as less yelling, just an exhausted slave mom.

   As a surprise he went to get a part to fix [something in the house] after the battle tonight. So I’d come home to a nice working item. This is after telling me he doesn’t want to work this out and now maybe he does? Ugh. It will be played out that nothing makes me happy because fixing the item doesn’t change our relationship. Lots of prayers. I’m afraid I won’t follow through. I’ve done this once with one child. Multiple children and all is that much more harder.

   1. HBOMIL, I have bad news and good news. The bad news is: There is no ‘right time’ and no ‘wisdom’ that can pick a ‘right time’ to ask an abuser to leave, or to tell him you are leaving. They always escalate when you say that. The good news is: you can leave him if you wish, and you don’t have to tell him you are planning that. I know. It’s hard. And there are probably dozens of reasons why you are afraid and why it might not be a ‘good time right now’. But the thing is, as you said, the longer the abuse goes on, the harder it is to find the energy to take action. So I encourage you to remind yourself that you can leave any time you like, and blow what the kids say and blow what he says.
      You might want to go take yourself and the kids to a women’s refuge (shelter) for a while.

      1. Barbara, thank you. No good time. 😦

         I went to the library and found Lundy’s book. I randomly flipped through the pages and read a couple pages. One part stood out because it had just happened. I read it twice trying to get past the fact that it was so similar to my experience that it was CREEPY!!!! My h has told the counselor and repeated it to me again this last time how perfect he thought our marriage was up until the last couple years. He would tell everyone how wonderful things were between us. That’s weird because a few weeks into the marriage I was wanting to meet with the pastor because of obvious problems. The woman’s side of the story is my story. Hers seemed more violent than mine. That doesn’t mean mine is a little more okay just different as we are all unique yet similar. I only had 10 minutes to find the book and read. It was a powerful 10 minutes.

         I wanted to share the finding of the book so that all of you guys who have suggested I read it know I am listening and trying to follow up on the advice. 😀 Sometimes just getting out what happened is so exhausting that DOING anything else feels physically impossible. I’m hearing a lot of I need to trust Christ and go to the cross from a friend. That is true we all do need HIM 24 / 7. I always feel like it means it wouldn’t be happening if I’d just be more humble and trust him more. I guess when I repeat what happened there is no mention of God helping me or being part of the argument so it’s taken like I’m leaving HIM out? IDK.

4. HisBanner, you said

   I guess when I repeat what happened there is no mention of God helping me or being part of the argument so it’s taken like I’m leaving HIM out? IDK.

   I hope this will encourage you: The book of Esther makes no mention of God at all but He is very definitely present.

   1. 😀 true Estelle. That is a great encouragement to me! (((Hugs)))

      My friend said I wasn’t as calm and filled with grace sounding like I was a few weeks before. I told her maybe because I was beat down. Yes, a few weeks ago there was an accident that God protected me from and I heard inside myself “You are protected” which stirred me up with so much excitement (because I really was) and I was just beaming even with the injuries. My sweet friend felt I was or am trying to do this current situation in my own strength and I need to go back to Christ.

      Thanks for listening (reading). 🙂

   2. I agree with Estelle. I think your friend, HBOMIL, has a very wooden way of interpreting scripture. She would have probably acquired this from the teaching she’s received from pulpits and ‘C’hristian books. As you know from all the stuff we write about at this blog, you do not have to heed or be intimidated by her judgements or perceptions of you. She clearly does not have a sufficient understanding of domestic abuse.

5. Help me!!!! Email address is not working! Desperate for resources!!

   1. Hi Cheryl,

      Is it safe to email you?

6. So thankful for this. ❤

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