A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

The Abuser in the Christmas Story

[August 12, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]

Christmas Day and we are STILL talking about abusers! Are we obsessed at A Cry For Justice? No, not really; but we do talk abusers often because exposing their tactics and mindset is a big part of helping victims get free.

So the title of this post might make it look like we are hyper-focused on abusers, but if we are hyper-focused, it’s only because the church has failed to focus on abusers and their tactics for so long, that a redressing of the balance is necessary. There is a great need to renew our minds and breathe fresh air rather than FOG.

So where is the abuser in the Christmas story? Well, that’s easy.

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the east came to Jerusalem, saying, “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him; and assembling all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. They told him, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for so it is written by the prophet: “‘And you, O Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for from you shall come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel.’”

Then Herod summoned the wise men secretly and ascertained from them what time the star had appeared. And he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search diligently for the child, and when you have found him, bring me word, that I too may come and worship him.”

After listening to the king, they went on their way. And behold, the star that they had seen when it rose went before them until it came to rest over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh.

And being warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they departed to their own country by another way.

Now when they had departed, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, “Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him.” And he rose and took the child and his mother by night and departed to Egypt and remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet, “Out of Egypt I called my son.”

Then Herod, when he saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, became furious, and he sent and killed all the male children in Bethlehem and in all that region who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had ascertained from the wise men  (Matthew 2:1-16  ESV)  [Emphasis added.]

I almost feel like I don’t have to explain this any more. The bolding I added is sufficient to make the point: Herod ‘was troubled’ when he heard that the Lord had been born — someone who would take the limelight off him! Someone who might threaten his power! But he wasn’t transparent about where the troubled feelings were coming from; he didn’t let it be known that he was on alert because his narcissistic supply was threatened. No; he pretended to want to worship the Lord, but he really hated Him and wanted to destroy him. He craftily tried to recruit allies and wheedle information out of them so that he could get at the baby, his target.

And had it not been for the intervention of God; the dreams given to the wise men and Joseph, baby Jesus would have been killed in infancy.

Abusers often amp up their abuse when their partner is pregnant and gives birth to the first baby. Abusers can’t abide another creature, especially a small, dependent, needy creature like a baby, taking the attention from them.

Herod pretended to want to worship the child. Simeon really did worship Him, with overflowing love and thanks.

“Lord, now you are letting your servant depart in peace, according to your word; for my eyes have seen your salvation that you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and for glory to your people Israel.”

And his father and his mother marveled at what was said about him. And Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”  (Luke 2:29-35  ESV)

That child, the Lord Jesus Christ, was appointed for the fall and the rising of many that the thoughts of hearts may be revealed. And He is still opposed today. And He still reveals the hearts of men and women today. Those who receive Him rise. Those who reject Him fall. The stony hearted unrepentant abusers, the Herods who simper and scheme and lie and then pull out their swords when they think they can get away with it — they shall fall.

All glory to God for His justice and love!

[August 12, 2022: Editors’ notes:

—For some comments made prior to August 12, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to August 12, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to August 12, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (August 12, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]


  1. bright sunshinin' day

    Jesus came to seek, save, and rescue His own! He didn’t leave us as orphans, but provided the Holy Spirit who dwells IN all who will bow their knee to worship Him. He is Emmanuel, God with us! We are not alone. And He always wins!

    Your post, Barb, and especially the last paragraph really does sum up the reason to celebrate. You’ve got the good guys and the bad guys and the good guys will win…no one can outwit Him!

    “That child, the Lord Jesus Christ, was appointed for the fall and the rising of many that the thoughts of hearts may be revealed. And He is still opposed today. And He still reveals the hearts of men and women today. Those who receive Him rise. Those who reject Him fall. The stony hearted unrepenant abusers, the Herods who simper and scheme and lie and then pull out their swords when they think they can get away with it — they shall fall.

    All glory to God for His justice and love!”

    • NotHeard

      Thank you l.a.c, Barb and b.s.d for your clarifying words of support on a very tough day. Yes, abuse never takes a day off, whether it be the nice face or the nasty face. And no, we are not obsessed: it is a daily challenge of psychological warfare. We are not ‘brewing’ ‘percolating’ or ‘still dwelling on it’as is told to us by those who don’t want to ‘get it’. When I let my guard down is when I leave myself unprotected to further injury. If more people in the church shared the burden, we wouldn’t have to shoulder it ourselves. Another Christmas Day scenario possibility that was the case for me is c) both of the above – my anti husband tried the happy family face first up. Then my family confronted him about his lies and meanness and he fought (verbally) like a Tasmanian Devil the whole (long) ‘conversation’. Very mentally draining..my brain was so scrambled I couldn’t work out how to read a map, which way was North, South, common landmarks, for some time after. That supports my view that we are NOT obsessed with maintaining this ongoing daily resistance. I do think tho’, that it is VERY important, for the resistance to be effective, to find SOMETHING positive about each day, whether it be our children or family or even one friend that believes, and/or if there are none of them, some personal achievement that gives satisfaction and makes us stronger from within!!

      • NotHeard, we hear you!

        We are not ‘brewing’ ‘percolating’ or ‘still dwelling on it’ as is told to us by those who don’t want to ‘get it’.

        This is so true. After such a trying day with Mr Charmer / Tassie Devil — I hope that you have patted yourself on the back for writing that! Is is statement of clarity, not a statement from the FOG. And we can always assume that others are reading here who don’t comment but who gain support from your words. Bless you!

  2. Lighting a Candle

    Merry Christmas! I’m sooo thankful for this blog.

    Just a friendly warning that holidays are NOT a rest day when living with an abuser/unsafe/manipulative person. You may receive one of two “gifts.” Maybe both. One- he is super charming, loving, and so amazing, you are led to doubt your perceptions. Mr. Charm also causes family, friends and allies to doubt your allegations of abuse. This overflow of good cheer does not come from an honest place. It is a ruse, a mask, and a deception.

    Second gift. As one advocate notes, relationships with abusers are like being in love with two distinct personalities. Person one, we saw above, is charming, sensitive, and loving. This is the person who roped us in. Maybe it’s his best self. Or, if personality disordered, a false persona. Person Two is what opens our eyes to his destructiveness and our own personal danger. For some of us, this unpleasant character opens his eyes on Christmas Day and it’s business as usual. Another day to rage, hit, shame, ignore, shun, flame, and terrify. No matter how much work you have done to make the day pleasant for all involved, there is literally nothing you can do to keep this tiger in it’s cage. Many us of have spent Christmases and other holidays wounded, bleeding, or in profound emotional shock. And we still may put on a happy face for everyone else.

    Please friend, don’t allow your wish for one peaceful day, lull you into a false peace. Remember your safety plan. If he hits you or the children – call the police immediately. Get a protective order. Flee to a safe house…to a hotel. Abuse does not take a break on holidays and is often made worse by these emotionally charged moments.

    Jesus FLED from his abuser….(Herod) until the time he willingly laid down his life ONCE as a sacrifice. He already did it. We do not have to. Our sacrifice does not save him, ourselves, the kids, or our families….no matter what we have told ourselves.

    Merry Christmas!
    Please have a safety plan! (Gas, phone, money, place to go in case of violence/danger/abuse)
    We are worth it.

    • Thanks, Lighting a Candle. Very good reminders. 🙂

  3. NotHeard

    Encouragement from Paul: ‘Fight the good fight of FAITH’ 1 Timothy 6v12

    • NotHeard

      Thank you Barbara, I do feel heard here on this blog..maybe I should change my screen name..

  4. debby

    I needed to be reminded on this day that there are people out there who care what I am going through and UNDERSTAND. My h stormed into my room raging and I ended my night hearing “Kiss my a*****! Kiss my a*****” and the ever popular “F***** you!” so reading this on Christmas morning was just what I needed. Thanks Barbara for taking time out of your celebration to reach out to us.

  5. Seeing Clearly

    Barbara, I just re-read your post with my N sister as the abuser, instead of my N-ex. She has always been a mean, selfish one for family to deal with, but worse in the last 10 years. I didn’t come to terms within myself to admit narcissism until this summer. I thought I was steeled up to endure Christmas with her. Christmas evening with her was very destructive. I was frozen while the gathering played out and then tears rolled, still rolling trying to wash away the sadness. She is the wolf in sheep’s clothing like Herod, asking where the baby was so that he, too, could go to the baby. She has been the ladies Bible teacher at her church for decades and faithful pianist. She used her spiritual prowess to control family in younger days. Now she operates like a spiritual dictator, hurling disapproval and shunning. Siblings are still waiting for peace and reconciliation to simply ‘happen’ with time. I know too well that peace is not the outcome with a narcissist.

    As a child, I waited on her, happy to do so. That continued to be her expectation throughout adulthood, in different ways. When I finally began to stand up for myself, the tension grew. She will not be told ‘no’, just as I have said for many years about my N-ex. This was before I understood narcissism. From my simple understanding, nobody tells a narcissist ‘no’ and gets away with it.

    I told my N-ex, “no more marriage”, but he still acts out in ways that are cunning.

    It is why I go to the manger, this time of year….

    • Love LIVES

      Thank you for sharing… good to hear from others who not only have abusive exes but also abusive family members! My MIL is exactly what you have described here. And this holiday has gathered her army of our friends and family to rally against us… because we refuse to be burdened by her yoke of slavery anymore! 19 years of lies, manipulation, control, anger and being sued and destroyed and I am done! Thank you for sharing!!!

      • twbtc

        And thank you, Love LIVES, for your comment!!

        Welcome to the blog! If you haven’t already, we like to encourage commenters to read our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.

        Again, welcome!!

  6. Karen

    “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

    Excellent post here and great insight from commenters. I praise God for you.
    It has been so helpful in my relationship with Jesus, not only in reading and studying His Word, but to commit life saving Scriptures verses to memory. I am not that great at memorizing, so it is with God’s mercy and grace that I can do sol. I am encouraged by this website in my faith in Christ, alone, and I just want you to know Jeff and Barbara, what a God send you are to many souls across this world. May the Holy Spirit continue to give you illumination and understanding according to Jesus’ Word, for each one of us will have to give an account before Him one day….individually, not corporately.

    God, our Holy Father, pour out your blessings of mercy, grace, love and compassion over Pastor Jeff, Sister Barbara, and all of our brothers and sisters in Jesus on this blog, until we see Your Holy face.

  7. debby

    Just watched the Mary Winkler story on TV. Had I not educated myself (through ACFJ and hurtbylove.com and other sources) I would have found it hard to believe her story (not telling anyone, not divorcing him, etc) but now I see it all clearly. He showed all the signs of an abuser and she showed all the signs of PTSD. I was struck by how arrogant and judgmental we humans are (including me) when we don’t always understand what is going on. Feeling humbled…

  8. Brenda R

    Many think that because the word abuse is not used in the Bible that those like Herod are sinful men, but not abusers. I even know one person who believe those like Herod that were “used” by God for His purpose will be in Heaven because God caused them to do the things they did. I do not agree I personally don’t see a big difference between sinful men and abusers. It is just different wording.

    Holidays were always walk on eggshell days while I was with X. This year, being single again, I went to a Chinese restaurant with a friend before we took a 24 hour road trip on Christmas Day. About halfway through our meal, who walks in, but the X. At first he ignored the fact that we were there and frankly, I ignored him hoping to become invisible.

    One his next trip up to the buffet he tapped me on the shoulder and said that he was paying for my meal. I said NO as he walked away. When heading for the cash register and hoping to get out the door without any further discussion, the X said once again I am paying for your meal. Again, I said no. When I got to the register the man said that the “gentleman” paid for your meal. If my no is not NO in his eyes over a small thing like this, my no would not be NO in bigger things. Nothing has changed other than once I walked out of the restaurant there was no further grief the remainder of the day. There was no walking on eggshells. There was fun, laughter, praising God and remembering the birth of our Savior. What a blessing!!!!

    • Jeff Crippen

      Great job, Brenda. You recognized the so called “gift” for what it was – abuse. I have experienced a very similar form of abuse from the wicked who insisted on gift-giving after they had been clearly notified by me of no contact. It is wickedness wrapped up in what looks like a generous act of love. Great to hear the rest of you holiday was joyful.

    • I want to announce loud and clear that it’s a myth that the word “abuse” is not in the Bible. Here it is in 2 Timothy 3:2 of the ESV — and what’s more, the ESV is much vaunted by CBMW, Nouthetic & Biblical Counselors and others who bang the patriarchy male-headship drum, so they ought to know it’s there!
      I’m showing it in full context, including some of the previous chapter.

      And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

      But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, ABUSIVE, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men.
      (2 Timothy 2:24 – 3:9)

      • and let’s pay further attention to this:
        These abusive individuals are disqualified regarding the faith (3:8).
        These are not the kinds of individuals that a gospel minister should be kind to, should try to teach, or should try to correct with gentleness. No. These individuals are different. That is why Paul starts verse one of chapter three with the important word “But”. Paul is clearly indicating that these types he is about to describe are different from the ones he’d been telling Timothy about in the last verses of chapter two. The ones Paul describes in 3:1-9 are to be avoided. Other translations say “have nothing to do with them”. This means NC, No Contact.

      • Brenda R

        I stand corrected. Looking through Bible Gateway there are a couple versions of the Bible that use the word abusive, but it is not in many versions. I don’t have an ESV for the very reason you stated–the groups of individuals that think it is the end all of end all of versions.

        But wait, the ESV on Bible Gateway also has a proper interpretation of Malachi 2:16 16 “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her,[a] says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers[b] his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” My book NIV version says, “I hate Divorce”…”and I have a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment. The newer online NIV is closer to the ESV. Time for a new Bible!!

        I know many who claim the newest version of the ESV is the most accurate, but they don’t seem to be reading it or are skipping over a the verses they don’t like.

      • yes, versions that get Malachi 2:!6 right are the ESV, the Holman, and the 2011 NIV. There may be some others by now, I’m not up to date with whether any new versions have come out in the last few years. I was thrilled when the 2011 NIV got it right, not because I love the NIV, but because so many people read it.

        I’m still waiting for the day for mainstream Christianity — and mmany Christians who are victim advocataes — to realise what a difference the correct translation makes to victims of abuse.

      • Brenda R

        Barbara, The problem is they, meaning those not abused, have to actually read it and do what it says, instead of using the translation in their heads. Christians can add to the abuse with their snide comments.

  9. under the waterfall

    Herod seems like a close relative of King Saul, same issues.

  10. TruthSerum

    Our sacrifice does not save him, ourselves, the kids, or our families….no matter what we have told ourselves

    This is the biggest truth, yet, try figuring this out when you have been raised by a narcissistic father and a borderline mother, while being married to [a person with] Asperger’s who duped you into the relationship. Not much to be merry about, except that you finally know the truth….Oh, goody, you get to spend the rest of your life trying to get out of that box.

    • I get the black humour of “Oh, goody, you get to spend the rest of your life trying to get out of that box.” And I’m sharing in the wincing smile with you.

      But there is this too, and it’s what we can cling to when the prospect of ‘the rest of my life’ feels so grim and full of struggle:

      And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

      (Rev 21:4 KJV — see all versions of that verse here)

  11. Maddys girl

    I write today because of your comment in the email of this repost Barbara, that when you read our posts sometimes you want to hug us. After 32 years of marriage to an abuser of the most tortuous order, I find myself a lonely, unloved divorcee. The dating world has been a very cruel, heart-wrenching place to me.

    The men I’ve met have gone to great, and sometimes very sinister lenghths to fool, use and abuse any chosen prey. I am afraid I have been “had” and am so despairing that I have disappointed my dear heavenly Father and myself. I never knew my earthly father, was raped twice before my 17th birthday, and at 54 years old, I am coming head on to the conclusion that love, real love, and happiness are not in the cards for me.

    No one that I love, including my children, can possibly understand the horrific torture I have lived with. Through the love of God, I have always, always picked myself up and kept going, because I always thought tomorrow would be better. Maybe tomorrow would be the day that love and peace would come. But that was foolish, childish thinking. How can I face another day in this cruel, evil world where even the church cannot be trusted?

    God never promised anything in this world and I now know that the desires of my heart were never guaranteed.

    It hurts so much to see couples and families when I am alone. Even life with my abuser was not this agonising, once I went numb. If the church doesn’t hear you and Jeff and countless others speaking out about this horrible evil, certainly no one will hear me. I have been crying out against bullies my whole life, to no avail. I am tired, so tired, and so broken.

    Please pray for me.

    • Maddy’s Girl,
      I’m praying for you.

    • I am afraid I have been “had” and am so despairing that I have disappointed my dear heavenly Father and myself.

      Yes, you were “had” by all those abusers in your life. And I can understand you perhaps feeling disappointed in yourself for having been foolishly childish by clinging so long to the hope that perhaps tomorrow would be better (though you were probably urged to believe in Pollyanna-type thinking by the wooden and coercive teaching that abounds in the Pharisaic church).

      But may I gently suggest that probably God is not ‘disappointed’ in you nearly so much as you might think; I suggest to you that God feels deep and abiding compassion for you because of the things those abusers did to you, and all the ways the ‘C’hristian community continues to misjudge you and fails to help you recover from all that trauma. Even if God is somewhat disappointed in you, His feeling of compassion is so much greater than His disappointment.

      It is healthy to grieve when we have been hurt and wounded. And grief hurts! You’re right: it hurts a lot more than the numbness so many of us developed in response to the torture living day to day with evil family members or malignant spouses.

      These Scriptures talk about the Lord’s lovingkindness. I offer them in the hope they may encourage you. The visible church often fails us. But God’s steadfast love is great towards those who fear him.

      The LORD is merciful and gracious,
      slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
      He will not always chide,
      nor will he keep his anger forever.
      He does not deal with us according to our sins,
      nor repay us according to our iniquities.
      For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
      so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
      as far as the east is from the west,
      so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
      As a father shows compassion to his children,
      so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
      For he knows our frame;
      he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:8-14 ESV)

      So Moses cut two tablets of stone like the first. And he rose early in the morning and went up on Mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand two tablets of stone. The LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” (Exodus 34:4-7 NIV)

      Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
      for I am poor and needy.
      Preserve my life, for I am godly;
      save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.
      Be gracious to me, O Lord,
      for to you do I cry all the day.
      Gladden the soul of your servant,
      for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
      For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
      abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
      Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
      listen to my plea for grace.
      In the day of my trouble I call upon you,
      for you answer me. (Psalm 86:1-7)

      • Maddys girl

        Thank you Barbara. ❤ Those scriptures were just what I needed! And this blog is an oasis in a vast desert.

  12. bendable

    @Maddys Girl, I see your comment is to Barbara, but just want to give you a virtual hug, and say that you have the best worthwhile company of all – it’s “me, myself and I”. I relate a lot to what you shared, and it’s not arrogant to say “I am the best company in my trio of me, myself and I”. You may be tired to the bone and feel so broken, but you are not broken – you are the worthy person that is Maddys Girl. You are worthy, worthwhile, and worth it. Hugs xxxx

    • Maddys girl

      Thank you so much, Bendable ❤

  13. Heather

    I got goose bumps when I read,

    Abusers often amp up their abuse when their partner is pregnant and gives birth to the first baby. Abusers can’t abide another creature, especially a small, dependent, needy creature like a baby, taking the attention from them.

    That’s exactly when the spousal abuse of me began – when I became pregnant the first time. When I was in the throws of exhaustion and all-day morning sickness but finally catching a nap, I woke up to his yelling over me, “When I come home and throw my trash away, I expect it to hit the BOTTOM of the trash can!” He also warned me, “Don’t ask me to go and get some food you may be craving. Because I WON’T do it”. And then of course he “didn’t remember” saying those things. He also quit his job toward the end of my pregnancy, while I stood all day working as a hairstylist. He was a bit nicer during my second pregnancy, but during the third he demeaned me for spending money on prenatal vitamins, which my midwife said were a must especially due to my advanced maternal age. I always sensed that my husband was jealous of our first two children as well. His heart was not toward them, and he emotionally abused them as well. Now that we are separated, he is super nice to the third one [primary school age]. Sadly I think he’s just doing that to try to make my claims of abuse appear as lies. But the older two are teenagers and know better. They refuse to see him. And he claims to be a devout Christian of course. Has always read his Bible and prayed every day. Anyway, I’m so thankful for your ministry. It has been a Godsend to me.

    • Thank you Heather for your comment. ((hugs))

      Your abuser sounds like the type of abuser that Lundy Bancroft calls ‘The Demand Man’.

      • standsfortruth

        The Demand man… Sure rings a bell.

        On Christmas morning one year before our divorce,- my abuser knew how bad I wanted to give my children just one good Christmas without any hitches..
        Does such a thing exist with an abuser?

        My abuser carefully plotted his plan as he watched me work hard preparing gifts to try to imprint good moments for my children to remember.

        Then on Christmas morning as the children waited and waited for their dad to come out, he never came out.
        He purposely stayed waiting for me in the bedroom.

        I had a pit in my stomach as I went in to see why he wasn’t coming out since the children wanted him to be there when they unwrapped the gifts.

        Sure enough he had an ambush waiting for me…
        You see, – If I wanted my children to have a good Christmas Morning that involved him, then he had demands that I needed to fill for him first.

        Well I weighed out my options and decided this was a insidious and selfish plot and refused to comply with his covert behind the scenes demands.

        As you can guess, he commenced punishment upon the whole family for my decision by protesting in bed until the afternoon.

        The kids became sad and disillusioned with the whole thing, and decided to play video games.

        He finally came out around 3:00, making sure that everyone knew that mom could have made this Christmas better….
        As he told them just ask her why.

        I was determined that would be the last Christmas my abuser would sabotage, and started planning a way to create independence for myself.

      • Jeff Crippen

        Yep, it’s always all about him. Always. And it’s always about him setting you up.

      • He sounds like he has a few traits of the Water Torturer as well…

      • debby

        pit of my stomach

        Yep. It’s yelling at you to get out! You are brave and strong to take the necessary steps. You are of immeasurable value to God!

  14. Finding Answers

    (Extreme airbrushing…….)

    TruthSerum commented:

    ….while being married to [a person with] Asperger’s who duped you into the relationship.

    ^THIS hurt / hurts me.

    I KNOW it’s not aimed at me, but it STILL hurts.

    After over five decades of life, I add the diagnosis high-functioning Asperger’s onto the diagnosis of Complex PTSD, the C-PTSD caused by extreme abuse. And with the added lens, my vision is clearer when reviewing my life.

    Mockery. Shame. Blame. Ridicule. No one to stand up for and / or defend me. (Omitting details for my protection.)

    Each time I rip off a Band-Aid, I expose a festering wound to the light. (Omitting details for my protection.)

    Sometimes it feels like the pain never ends.

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