I have been considering positive examples of healthy marriages I notice around me.
My pastor and his wife
My pastor’s wife helps him in many subtle ways. She sits on the front row. If he forgets to take benevolence offering or says something she knows he didn’t mean to, she gives him cues that help him course correct. I sit near her and I see or hear this. She never uses a haughty posture or voice. She isn’t making suggestions to demonstrate superiority. And he responds with gratitude. Recently Pastor was teaching Sunday School and he stopped to ask her, “What is it? You look frustrated.” I didn’t hear her response, but he immediately made a correction to the plan he previously presented and thanked her for reminding him. Another abuse survivor was sitting next to me. Our minds were BLOWN. That sort of interaction is foreign to us. Not only did Pastor humbly and publicly seek his wife’s input and correction, he was grateful for it. My friend and I knew that we would have been lectured and punished for embarrassing our abusers, for being disrespectful and so on. I told my pastor and his wife how important it is for all of us to see them loving and respecting each other and how much I appreciate it.
Sue and John1
A friend, Sue, had a large project going on at her house and several people from church were helping out. We had done much of the work but there was a significant amount left. Sue’s husband John stated that we could be done because Sue could just finish the rest by herself over the next couple of weeks. We all protested. We were there. We were willing and able and it wouldn’t take long because there were so many of us. It would be a huge task for Sue to complete alone. Sue was hoping to be done that day. But John said, “I’m happy. We can be done.” A deacon responded, “If mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy.” And he encouraged John to let us all help complete the project that day. That’s just what happened. The deacon recognized that John was mistreating his wife by not respecting her time. The deacon gently, but firmly corrected John and John accepted the correction. No marriage is perfect. My friends have disagreements and make mistakes, but healthy people accept correction and change.
Here’s another important part of this story. John DID NOT punish Sue later. He didn’t blame her for his having been corrected by the deacon. John didn’t withhold affection or provision because he had been embarrassed. He accepted the correction and changed so that he would be doing right. This is another important example that I am so glad I witnessed.
Mary and Frank1
Mary, an Elder’s wife, is very sick with a chronic illness. Her husband Frank patiently prays for her. Frank takes Mary to various doctors seeking solutions and comfort for her. Frank is never hostile with Mary for being sick. In my marriage I was mocked and belittled for getting sick. I hated getting sick because I knew how angry X would get and that he wouldn’t believe me. Seeing Frank care for Mary and treat her with respect even when she’s sick, not just when she’s healthy and able give him the life he desires and deserves, is a wonderful witness to me of how healthy relationships are meant to function. It’s a sobering reminder that my marriage was unsafe. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who demonstrate healthy relationships.
1 All names have been changed.
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One of the things that reassures me that I’m still healthy and not so badly affected by being a target for so very many years (decades) is that I still take pleasure in seeing healthy relationships and couples who treat one another well. When I hear a wife laud her husband’s attention of her or good things he’s done – whether in person or on social media – it makes me happy. Likewise, hearing a husband say wonderful things about his wife – and when you can tell he’s just truly delighted by her – it warms my heart. That reassures me that I’m not angry or bitter or jealous or otherwise negatively affected by my own lack of same, but instead rejoice that such relationships still exist and that the people in them are well and truly blessed. Such love tends to spill over and warm the hearts of the rest of us.
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This was nice to read. It made me cry too. Just when I think “it’s not so bad” something like this reminds that the problems are real. And even though it made me cray, again, it was nice to read. Thank you!
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This makes me sad. I guess I’m still grieving what ‘should be’, but I know it’s good to see those examples so that I’m not blind to what ‘s happening. Today’s my birthday, and my son, knowing that I love to read (my only ‘hobby’ really), went to my husband and told him that they should get me a Kindle Fire. My husband’s response was…’no, then she’ll be wasting even more time sitting there, reading.” Nice. I’ll bet if I get anything, a new vacuum or crock pot will be in order as both of those are years old and dying. And it’s not even so much the item itself, but just to know that his heart and his thinking are so screwed up and to try to pass that thinking along to my son.
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I haven’t seen real life situations of what healthy relationships look like. Thank you for these examples. It helps me to see the differences which is so drastic than what I’m used to.
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I am living proof that healthy marriages do exist! I remarried 3 years ago after living in an abusive marriage for 20 long years.
When things ended I never, ever thought I’d get married again, mainly because I was afraid I’d choose the same sort of person. But I did still hope deep down to find someone truly kind and loving — I kind of felt like Cinderella because I dreamed of finding prince Charming but in a way wasn’t sure that kind of man even existed.
My husband is so very different from my abusive ex. When we first got married there would be little things that made me go into this panic mode because I had been so used to my ex flying off the handle over every little thing, but I learned early on that in a healthy marriage two people are able to communicate and solve issues without one raging against the other; that apologies are made sincerely and accepted without putting down the other person; and that in the midst of struggles (my husband has been out of work for a few weeks) two healthy people continue to support one another instead of bashing the other for not being more frugal or money-wise or whatever.
I love telling people my story of not only being a abuse survivor but of now having a healthy marriage.
My prayers go out to each and every person who is still in the midst of struggling with abuse…their is freedom on the other side.
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Every time I read another woman’s recollections of how she was treated in her marriage, I hear my own story. I hear of things others went through that I also went through that I didn’t even realize was typical behavior for an abusive man. Such as this from this post today: “I knew how angry X would get and that he wouldn’t believe me.” Wow, that happened to someone else? That happened to me every single time I got sick and I just thought it was how life was. Just how men are in general. It’s sad what we accept as “normal”, isn’t it?
I have never seen a healthy marriage in action but I fortunately have extremely healthy relationships with my friends. We respect one another, encourage one another, point each other to Christ, and best of all, hold each other accountable. If we call one another out on anything, it is received with love. We don’t always agree with one another, but we love each other enough to put the relationship before our pride. We give to one another and think of ourselves second to that. That is how a good marriage should work, I am guessing.
I have lost all trust in men though and I never want to be in a relationship ever again. My husband, as well as the men before him, hurt me so badly in every way possible and I feel tremendous fear as I even consider being with a man again some day. I prefer to be alone and just focus on my children from here on out.
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CHeryl,
Happy birthday! If I were you, I’d buy myself a Kindle Fire (if you can afford one). That’s what I’ve done over the years – buy what I want for holidays and birthdays.
It won’t make you feel any better, but for what it’s worth one year I told my husband that I didn’t want chocolates anymore. (Some years he’d buy nothing, other years he’d make a show of it, one year after I’d given him his gifts he said, “Gee, I feel so bad; I didn’t get you anything,” and eventually I started just getting chocolates from him, which I didn’t eat just because I’m not a big chocolate person.) So when I finally said, Thank you for the chocolates, but would you mind not buying them this year because I don’t eat them,” what did I find on my bathroom counter for my birthday? Not just a box of chocolates, but a box specially gift-wrapped by the store with a big bow on it. Very passive-aggressive. No note. Just a “gotcha” with a box of chocolates. I didn’t acknowledge receipt of them. Judas, must you betray me with a (Hershey’s) kiss?
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Thank you for the birthday wish! Yes, I plan on getting one for myself. The real kicker is that my son came home from school and said his father told him to go back into town and get the cheapest item on my Christmas list and a card from him for me and a card from his father for me. Wow. Why bother? Nice Judas reference in your story! :)
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Cheryl, I love my Kindle Fire, so I’m guessing you’ll love yours too. You can download books and read them in an instant. I read most of Pastor Jeff’s book “A Cry for Justice” that way (during church sermons, shhhhh; don’t tell anyone). Reading books about abusers is nice on the Kindle because they’re easier to keep hidden.
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This reminded me of one time I was writing an update to a friend, she was doing missionary work overseas. After I emailed her, and I went back and reread what I wrote to her. I just shook my head. If someone was telling that story, I would tell them that they just need to get out of that marriage. Yet, when you are in it, you don’t see how bad it really is.
Amy, I am so happy for you that you got your “happily ever after”!
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Becca,
How true, huh? it’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the midst of abuse. As I listen now to a dear friend going through a separation and possible divorce I just want to shout to her to run and not look back, yet what she shares is exactly what I shared so many years ago. I can now see how frustrating it must of been for those around me to listen to my struggles and yet watch me continue to stay in that destructive situation.
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I know there must be healthy marriage out there, but my fear is that I might think they are healthy and behind closed doors the truth is they are not. I see people who look happy and healthy, but think what is reality? I don’t expect that a kind and gentle man will ever look my way.
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It can be so easy to think that every version of a healthy relationship is really just a front, especially when all we’ve experienced are the lies. I definitely was stuck in that thinking for a long time, that there really is no such thing as a healthy relationship.
This is especially true because of the minimization that goes on from pastors. When I poured out my heart to my pastor’s wife, she looked at me and said “Well, this is nothing that hasn’t happened in pretty much every marriage”. I was crushed- this was every marriage? This was normal?
But I can promise you, it isn’t normal and it isn’t OK. And there are kind and gentle men out there who want kind and gentle women. There are amazing marriages where two true believers connect and keep on connecting until death do them part.
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Thank you Jeff S,
That is reassuring. I am glad you found someone that you can create that Godly marriage with.
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This is not of a marriage, but an example of how one aspect of it should be. As many know, abusers do a lot of apologizing in the nice phase, and sarcastic sorrys in the mean phase. We also know how meaningless it is to them. Not long ago at church, an usher came up and apologized for mishandling a minor situation with a couple of my children. I was in tears, as I got to see how an apology should be presented, with such humbleness and sincerity. For me, it became a piece of the healing puzzle, as I am calling it. Two pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle (a different piece occurred months earlier), but it is a start.
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Searching,
I love your use of the healing puzzle. I think I may be up to 600 or 700, but it depends on the day. I would have cried at a humble apology, as well. I have yet to see one.
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Though we aren’t married yet, I can tell you that the difference in my current relationship vs. my previous marriage is unbelievable. Truly. And my fiance says the same thing. If either of us had ever had an inkling that this is what a relationship could be like, we would have never tried to stick it out in our previous marriages. The difference would be laughable if it weren’t so tragic. To even think that what we were in before were God honoring marriages is such a skewed idea of relationships that it’s unbelievable people preach sticking it out in abusive situations as the ideal. What a seriously low view of marriage.
My fiance’s ex-husband tries to pull gaslighting on her now and she just laughs at it because it’s so unreal. That’s what happens when you get healthy. She knows she isn’t crazy and she can trust her own instincts. That’s what being in a relationship with someone who can trust who is for you can do.
My pastor did a marriage series earlier this year, and by God’s grace this is a sermon my fiance and I were able to sit through together (she normally works weekends and so we don’t get to go to church together very often). The main take away is that your spouse is someone who is for you- and that is the part missing in abusive marriages. When you have a spouse who clearly isn’t for you, you don’t have a healthy, God honoring marriage. And this I know and can bank on- we may not always get it right, and we may hurt each other. We may do the wrong thing sometimes. But I can count on my future wife to always, always be for me- my biggest fan and the one person who wants to see me grow and become the man God is working in me to become. And I am her biggest fan and will always be for her in the same ways.
This really DOES exist. It’s so unbelievable I wouldn’t have thought it could happen, but it does and it’s amazing.
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BINGO!
And that’s exactly what I think Paul was getting at when by inspiration of the Holy Ghost he chose the word ‘suneudokeo’ — that word that is translated “consents to live with” in 1 Corinthians 7:
It’s not reluctant or bitter consent.
It’s not “Yeah, I’ll live with her” said offhandedly or sarcastically.
It’s not “I LUV her and I SOOOO much want this marriage to continue! [so I can go on abusing her and slaking my narcissistic appetites at her expense]”.
It’s “I’m FOR her. Even though I don’t believe in this Jesus and Christianity that she believes in, I’m FOR my spouse.”
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Thank you for giving such clarity on this issue of showing how a true spouse will be for you, Barbara and Jeff.
It really helps to bring light to what an honorable marriage would be like.
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