The reminders. They need to come, but they hurt. They hurt because you don’t want to see the person you loved for who they truly are. They hurt because you have to know. Your eyes have been opened, and they need to stay open, to protect you and your children. There is no going back to putting your head in the sand, once you have seen the truth. You can’t go back and take the pill that keeps you in the matrix anymore. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard.
My ex frequently reminds me why I had to leave. It often seems to happen just after he has been overly nice for a while, and I have been tempted to let my guard down and start to feel guilty. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. Maybe I exaggerated what happened. Maybe I really was the problem and I just couldn’t see it. Maybe I just thought he was abusive, but he’s just confused and not very good with people. Maybe . . .
And then it happens. Somehow, some way, he does something and I catch another glimpse of who he really is:
One of the kid’s teachers comes up to me and tells me about yet another incident where ex has lied, treated the kids like commodities to attract women and scared my child to the point of crying in front of their teachers.
My child texts me, from their dad’s house, about something they are watching that is completely inappropriate for them and then as soon as ex finds out I know, he turns it off and pretends it was all the kid’s fault.
Ex blames the children for his poor parenting, expecting my under 10 year old to let him know when they need more medicine and blaming them for not telling him when they have run out.
When he gets called out on lies, he tells more lies to cover them up. He will blame even his own children, rather than admit when he has done something wrong.
He yells at my son for being sick.
He attempts to break boundaries I have set, time and time again.
He tries to use excuses to enter my home.
He sabotages my efforts with my kids and then blames me for not getting things done for them.
He sometimes slips and tries to command me or order me around.
He has people monitoring me online and lies to my face about this.
He wants to act like nothing ever happened and then turns around and bad mouths me to as many people as will listen.
As painful as they are, I have come to see these reminders kind of like the warning sirens you hear before a tornado or a major storm hits. My reading and learning about abuse is my radar, getting stronger and more accurate as I learn more and more about his abusive tactics. I am getting better at honing in and pinpointing the danger with every book, every article, every testimony I read that helps explain his lies and fine tunes the abuse-locating equipment that I am building in my brain.
I think we, as survivors, and especially those of us who have to maintain continued contact with our abusers, need to use these reminders, as painful and frustrating as they can be, to help us remember how important our boundaries are for us and for our kids. If you knew a bad storm was near by, you wouldn’t walk out into the lightning, wind and rain without some protection. In the same way, when you see the abuser showing signs of abuse again, you are reminded to maintain the boundaries that keep you and your children safe.
What are some of the reminders for you?
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My children are all grown so this is not an issue for me any longer. This breaks my heart to hear about the abuse that is allowed by the courts to continue to the children. There should be no parental rights for such a parent as this one.
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Excellent, excellent article. I pray that God will protect you and your children from this evil abuser.
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I hate the reminders, but in some ways they are comforting because they help to alleviate the guilt, shame, and doubts that sometimes plague me. He refuses to feed them when they are in his care, unless his girlfriend is present, in which case he acts like father of the year. He’ll go through drive thru’s with them and order a load of food for himself but get them nothing, telling them “mommy has all the money” so he can’t afford to buy them anything. He keeps his home at a frigid temperature and won’t let them have a blanket. He has them for visitation only 18 hours per month even though he’s allowed to have them all weekend every other weekend.
When they are at his home they are not allowed to do anything but play computer games. They are not allowed to play with any toys because he can’t tolerate a mess of any kind. He makes them clean his apartment even though they are only their for 18 hours per month. If they receive any gifts or money from anyone in his family they are not allowed to take the toys home, or spend the money. The money must stay at his house and if they are allowed to buy anything it has to stay at his house even though he won’t let them play with it. All the toys they have over their are on a top shelf in the closet of what is supposed to be their room, but they are not allowed in there, and the toys must stay on the shelf.
He constantly attempts to bribe them to sleep over (to impress his girlfriend) with promises of expensive gifts even though he sends them home at 2 pm on Saturdays and doesn’t even see them on Sundays even though he is scheduled to have them all day Saturday and all day Sunday. He lies about his schedule all the time and passes up opportunities to be with them, like Father’s Day. He calls twice per day just because he’s allowed to and will call every 5 or 10 minutes until we answer the phone even though he has nothing to say to them and only spends about 20 secs with each child on the phone.
Still, I wonder sometimes. Why does his girlfriend think he’s such a great guy? Will he treat her and her kids better than he treated me and my kids? Could he really treat someone with love and respect?
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Refusing to feed the kids is criminal neglect! I feel so sorry for your poor children. What a horrible example of a father he is!
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F&F, I am glad that he doesn’t take the children more than he does. From the description you have given, he shouldn’t be allowed to have them at all. CPS should be involved, if they aren’t. Unsupervised visits are totally inappropriate.
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Totally agreeing that he shouldn’t have the kids as much as he does. No blankets, no toys, no food? That is pretty bad. And no, he won’t treat his GF or her kids any better. Just give it time.
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Well, right now he treats her like royalty, but that’s how he treated me when we were dating too. As far as CPS, he’s a licensed psychologist and he knows all the social workers and judges in town and he’s a psychopath who can talk his way out of anything. Somehow he’d blame it on me or the kids. For now I just make sure they are well fed before they go over there and I pack stuff for them. He has them for such a short period of time, so they’ll be okay. When he was keeping them all day (it’s been over two years since he’s done that), it was a very big problem because they were always hungry over there, but it’s not such a big problem now because it’s only four hours. It’s more an issue of being mean – going through a drive thru and getting yourself a bunch of food but nothing for the kids. What a jerk. Having to wear double or triple layer clothing and socks because the place is so cold! What a jerk. Is his girlfriend a polar bear, or does he heat the place for her?
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Hello, Deborah.
So many of the things you shared are familiar to me and my kids, as well. I know each of us had different experiences with the court system; however, based on what you shared, I could only hope that the right court mediator would see the harm that your ex is doing to your children and consider providing you with sole or at least primary custody.
When my ex saw the mediator, he pulled out all the stops, so that by the time I met with her, she was convinced that I was this horrible mother keeping our children from their adoring father. She was accusatory and wholly unobjective. So, I urged her to talk to my kids. I never coached them or even suggested what she might ask. I didn’t want to color their perspective and risk hurting them in the process. Nor did I ask what they discussed after the mediation was over. I prayed for two weeks for wisdom for that woman, and she gave me primary custody, which meant that the kids could see their dad when they wanted to, but they could cut short any visit or refuse to see him whenever they wished, and it was my job to facilitate their decisions. It gave them the power to see and decide for themselves, and gave me more authority to protect them.
I feel for you – and your kids – and hope you can get them away from that man. His poor girlfriend has been duped, and no, I don’t believe he will treat her or anyone else with love and respect. It’s only about him getting what he wants. You know better than anyone.
I wish you well. Thank you for sharing…
Cindy
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Thanks Cindy. What a blessing that you got primary custody. I did too – after praying for months like their lives depended on it. I’m actually very, very fortunate because the Order states that the children do not have to sleep over and they can come home anytime they want. That is rare in a custody Order. It was a blessing from Almighty God. He used to keep them all day until bedtime because they refused to sleep over after the hell he put them through the first few weeks, but he has dwindled his visits down to 1.5 hours to 4 hours max – which is great – and I am thankful. But I seriously wish the guy would drop dead because even in those few hours he manages to torment my kids.
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Cindy and F&F your posts really give me hope. May I ask, are you in the States? I’m not sure how long I will be able to keep supervised visitation in place and would feel so much better if visitation didn’t involve overnights, and the children had the ability to decide when / how long to visit. Is this something you requested, and your ex just didn’t fight or ? I would appreciate any thoughts / ideas you feel like sharing. I’m hoping and praying for God to move in a mighty way to keep them safe
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Anon, I read your comment and wish to explain how it all worked out for me. I do have to say that I am sure it was divine intervention. He used custody/visitation as leverage during the divorce, but he never wanted the kids. He wanted the money. I knew that deep down (very deep) but was scared to death that he would fight and prevail for custody. I felt terrified and I was convinced that my children’s only hope was the Lord. I laid my kids at the feet of Jesus and prayed daily for their safety while watching in horror as my attorney did nothing to help me but instead took every cent I had while failing to protect me and my children. I can only say that the only thing I actively DID that allowed me to end up with custody and limited visitation is that I waited on the Lord. What finally happened is that the ex got desperate thinking I was not going to give up fighting for alimony so he finally caved when I asked that the kids not have to sleep at his house. I refused to settle out of court and I think he got scared and was sure I was going to be awarded alimony, so at the 11th hour when I agreed to settle IF and only IF the kids did not have to spend the night with him, he gave in and settled because all he ever really wanted was the money . The kids were just leverage. He has proven that to be the case as he has reduced his visits with them down to about 18 hours per month. (Yes, I am in the States). You see, all that time that the divorce dragged on and I did not settle out of court, I was actually waiting on the Lord, but the ex thought I was fighting for the money ;) My waiting on the Lord did him in ;)
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FiftyandFree-thank you!! I’m not sure how I missed your earlier reply blush That gives me hope…we will be entering mediation and I’m praying I can do something similar. I don’t intend to settle out of court for anything less-but there is no alimony here, so not sure how much I’ll be able to bargain. Thank you for sharing ((((( )))))
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Cindy and FiftyandFree,
Your comments about the type of visitation you were able to get to help keep your children safe has really given me hope. I have been praying my heart out to God about the safety of my children. My attorney said I’d never get such an arrangement…yet I cant help but remember the verse “you have not because you ask not “. Are you in the States? I’m wondering if it is truly impossible….
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Anon, Don’t lose hope if mediation fails. Mediation actually made things worse for a while in my situation, but God still worked a miracle for me and my children. I will be praying that He does the same for you.
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I’ve ticked the box
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A recent one: After telling me he’d canceled the only credit card with my name on it (because finances are too tight), a new one showed up at the house in his name only. This is after I’d agonized with guilt over opening my own in the meantime.
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aargh! …feeling that bite in sympathy with you, Marah.
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It was a good reminder for when I start to feel guilty, or sorry for him, or whatever. It’s funny, because I’ve been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks about just this sort of thing: desperately wanting peace, yet knowing the Reminders are so important in keeping me focused on reality.
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Marah, Establishing your own credit is a good thing from a financial stand point and as a plan of action if you need to get safe. You should not feel guilt about it whatsoever. Now, your husband closing an account because he wants control over you and wants you to be trapped is quite another thing. Financially, it was a bad move. Closings lines of credit and establishing others could hurt his credit score, while yours is moving up. The joint credit card, depending on how it was set up may not have been helping your credit score and only being reflected on his. If the account was in his name and you were listed as an authorized signer, it would not do anything for your credit. All women should establish their own line of credit. Even those that are not in abusive situations can have life changing experiences. The death or disability of a spouse could leave her needing to carry the weight of the family. What you did was a good thing. Many years ago I found myself in the Underground Railroad wearing nothing but a thin night gown, with 2 children, no money, my driver’s license and one credit card. I didn’t have a good plan of action, but with what little I had we started a whole new life. My prayers are with you for God’s strength, a hedge around you and confidence that you are doing what is best for you.
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Wow, what a story. I’m glad you made it!
I’ve had my head in the sand for over 20 years, although I’ve begun to pull it out. I just felt so guilty, like I was betraying the marriage. I knew I was doing the right thing, but it still felt bad. It felt much better when I realized he’d already gotten his own new card.
And yes, I was only an authorized signer on the old one. No card in my name, house not in my name, cars not in my name, only two bank accounts in my name, none of which had any money – and one of those is closed now, too. I also opened a new bank account with only me and my older teen daughter.
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Ugh… that sucks. My anti-husband got paperless statements for all of our cards and then racked up $50,000 in debt without my knowledge.
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This may sound like an odd reminder, but it never fails to affirm the truth of my ex-N’s narcissisim and abuse: it is when someone says, “He just seemed so nice………..” And arsenic in small doses inside of a delicious hot fudge sundae doessn’t make the sundae appear any less appealing either, but it will still kill the one who consumes enough of it over time. Thank you for your Reminders post!
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grace, That is so true. I’ve watched that old movie and seen the play, “Arsenic and Old Lace”. It was deadly. I can’t resist Hot Fudge either.
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Keep me updated
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I have daily reminders . . . of the silent treatment. My abuser husband of 19 years suddenly filed for divorce without any warning. He didn’t offer marriage counseling or a legal separation. He went straight for divorce and informed me by email! I was blindsided. He “amputated” me.
Prior to his filing I had just recently came to the realization he was an emotional abuser. But I had no idea the extent of his disrespect and contempt for me. His typical abuse was isolation and the silent treatment. In my codependent style I would give in and break the silence which he came to depend on for relief. I had been in a recovery program and began to stop my pattern of rescuing him and his silence. That is why he filed. I believe he set out to punish me thinking I would rescue/stop his filing for divorce. I did try at first to plead with his conscience and for practical reasons. But his ego, pride, power and control are of utmost value to him so he is stubbornly going to see this through in his silent way. Even the letter from his attorney cautioned me NOT to communicate with him directly. So even if I wanted to regress to my former codependent pattern, it is now illegal! That actually helped me in
stopping my sick need to rescue him.
I realize many people reading this will see my situation as a win for me. They would welcome an “amputation” and not to have the burden of initiating a divorce. But for me, it hurts very much even though I am being rejected by a “reject”. A reject/abuser who has that
good, “Christian” side that kept me in denial and loyalty for way too many years.
What gives me comfort is reading my journals about times I was so miserable in the marriage. Those writings bring me back around to the reality of who he REALLY is. Also reading Cry for Justice, Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, etc.
Even more comfort comes from my relationship with Jesus Christ and God’s promise/word such as Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
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Dear Susan, I think you are very brave; thank you for sharing this! Some other survivor may identify greatly with what you’ve said.
You surprised your husband by changing your pattern of rescuing him. Well done! And I understand how his sudden filing of divorce has thrown you for a bit of a loop, but it sounds like you are handling it pretty well and reading, learning, making adjustments, dealing with the emotions and the fall out in a self-honoring and God-honoring way. Bless you. :)
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Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Susan, That has to be my favorite verse and most inspiring. I know his decision for divorce must be hard for you. I am on the other side of the fence and wished my X would have gone, but he was content with life as it was and his ability to do or say whatever he wished without consequence. He looked like the good guy most everywhere except within our house.
You did what you needed to do and still are. This may be God’s way of rescuing you. He helped you get stronger and on a good path. Now he is taking you to the next level. Being free from this lengthy trial. Divorce isn’t easy no matter who initiates. God will help you to come out better than you ever thought you could be. ((((HUGS))))
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It seems always to be the case that these abusers want what they want more than they want their marriages (irrespective of whether they are the ones who file).
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Very true Barnabasintraining. I remember someone once asking me after I filed for divorce if my husband had a mistress. My reply was, “Yes, his mistress is himself.” LOL. He loved himself and no one but himself.
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Ha! Good one! :)
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Fiftyandfree-Love the mistress comment! So very, very true!
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(Heavy airbrushing….)
From the original post:
After many years of driving, replacing my driver’s licence with an official picture ID card.
For many reasons, not renewing my passport.
For many reasons, not being able to obtain my childhood medical records.
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