You don’t know me . . . but I read about your story online. First, let me express my sadness over how your story and your own personal life have been plastered all over the internet. I am pretty open with my story, but I was not the wife of a mega-movement, claiming to have all the answers on godly and “biblical” living. I cannot imagine your sadness.
Second, I am sure you are handling this quietly. You may have not even gotten angry! (I don’t know) I am sure you are doing all you have learned to do . . . to quietly forgive and even pretend it did not happen. In fact, you may not even allow yourself to talk about it again. I cannot be sure. But, I feel like I understand where you are coming from. I remember “forgiving” (I am putting that in quotes because what it really meant in my circles is that I put it aside, did not bring it up again, did not get angry, did not struggle, and continued to cover for my husband . . . especially when he was in the ministry). But, I can tell you right now, it will re-surface. All the doubt, all the pain, all the anger will come bubbling up again. And then, when you try to talk about it . . . because the hurt is just so great . . . you will be hushed. Because they tell you it is ungodly to bring up another person’s sin. I would like to offer you this different concept of forgiveness: Forgiveness is not being quiet and not being angry. Forgiveness is refraining from paying a person back for what they have done to you — it is the decision not to take revenge.
You will not be permitted to heal. Maybe you will be given a week or two . . . and then the expectation that you return to your normal wifely duties will be pressed in on you again . . . and you will go about them, because you want to serve God. And you will be in pain. Silently.
It will be hard for you to touch him but he will expect you to touch him, anyway.
It will be hard for you to have joy, but he will expect you to show joy, anyway.
He may even put pressure on you to make sure you do not talk about him or your pain to anyone, so you will deal with it alone.
He should have released you. And he should have made that known in his letter to the public. He should have stated that you are free to go . . . but he did not, which will make you feel a little empty inside. Just a little. Because, had he released you and you chose to stay with him and work things out, you would feel the joy and satisfaction over a choice that you made with Christ — one that was not made for you. And, had he released you and you chose not to stay, you would feel the same joy and satisfaction over a choice you made with Christ. But, you were not given that freedom. In fact, I bet that, had divorce EVER been an option for adultery, he may have thought twice before he did it. It would have made your marriage stronger. But, he knew you would never, ever leave. You have all these children to think about . . .
I want you to know that, whatever choice you have made . . . it is your choice. You do not have to do anything. You can take time to heal. Take a year . . . or two. Get counseling, if you want. Be separate, if you want.
He may try to smother you; he may try to “nurture” you to death so you cannot even think. Do not allow that to happen. You are a child of God . . . You can pull away. Pray. Think. Deal with things. You mean SO MUCH MORE than you have been told. You deserved so much more than you were shown. I am praying for you. There are so many, many Believers on the “other side” of abuse and adultery who have come through with flying colors. You will get there.
Love, Meg
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Megan, this is beautiful! Just beautiful!
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Thank you, Joe. :)
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This is a great letter, Megan. My favorite parts:
I would like to offer you this different concept of forgiveness: Forgiveness is not being quiet and not being angry. Forgiveness is refraining from paying a person back for what they have done to you — it is the decision not to take revenge.
The only thing I don’t like about this is the necessary use of the word “different” for a people who are supposed to know what Biblical forgiveness is already. What you said should not be “different.” It should be expected orthodoxy. But alas you are reduced to using words like “different” because what you are saying is different. It’s a shame it’s so because what you say is also right.
And:
He should have released you. And he should have made that known in his letter to the public. He should have stated that you are free to go . . . but he did not, which will make you feel a little empty inside. Just a little. Because, had he released you and you chose to stay with him and work things out, you would feel the joy and satisfaction over a choice that you made with Christ — one that was not made for you. And, had he released you and you chose not to stay, you would feel the same joy and satisfaction over a choice you made with Christ. But, you were not given that freedom. In fact, I bet that, had divorce EVER been an option for adultery, he may have thought twice before he did it. It would have made your marriage stronger. But, he knew you would never, ever leave. You have all these children to think about . . .
Just so much good here.
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Thank you, dear BIT. I agree with you . . . I wish there were a better word than “different” . . . It should be the norm. We are Christians . . . we do not exact revenge. We try not to. We say, “I will not do to you what you did to me . . . I will erase the penalty . . . but the consequences are there, and that is between you and God.”
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Wonderfully said Megan. I am not sure if this letter is to one individual or not, but it could be said to many women in ministry along side an abusive husband. Your definition of “forgiving” was mine for many years. Now it is the latter. As much as I want to go to the home we shared and put a sign with the large red letter “A” on it this morning. I will not do it even though he did find another woman before we were even legally separated. I will not retaliate. I may have to ask for strength and pray forgiveness for my thoughts many times throughout today, but I am no longer silent and the anger will subside. Almost completely X is no where near in Ministry, but the part about forgiveness real hit home for me. Thank you for this post. I hope many who are in abusive situations within ministry read this and get free.
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It will take time, Brenda. I am so sad over the hurt you have experienced. I understand those feelings. My ex husband did not have an affair (as far as I know) . . . but the pornography felt like an affair every single time. The pain was unbearable. I cannot imagine all you have gone through.
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So well said and beautifully written.
“He may try to smother you; he may try to “nurture” you to death so you cannot even think. Do not allow that to happen. You are a child of God . . . You can pull away. Pray. Think. Deal with things. You mean SO MUCH MORE than you have been told. You deserved so much more than you were shown.”
Love this. That nurturing is to ease his guilt not to heal your heart. It is temporary.
“He should have released you. And he should have made that known in his letter to the public. He should have stated that you are free to go . . . but he did not, which will make you feel a little empty inside. Just a little. Because, had he released you and you chose to stay with him and work things out, you would feel the joy and satisfaction over a choice that you made with Christ — one that was not made for you. And, had he released you and you chose not to stay, you would feel the same joy and satisfaction over a choice you made with Christ. But, you were not given that freedom. In fact, I bet that, had divorce EVER been an option for adultery, he may have thought twice before he did it. It would have made your marriage stronger. But, he knew you would never, ever leave. You have all these children to think about . . .”
So much truth here. Feeling free to make the choice is paramount to making a real start in healing whichever way we chose to go. But it needs to be our choice not something we feel forced into. Being forced is just more abuse and a pathway to a slow emotional and spiritual death.
But our choices and needs are not always listened to. I asked my husband to move out because I need physical space to heal. He agreed but now he is starting to hedge and back track. Even though his counselor told him it was a good idea. It did make me sad that he needed to have the validity of my need affirmed by a third party, my stating what I needed was not enough…never was. At least I was finally getting my needs met. As usual my husbands needs are more important than mine and he is doing a fantastic job of playing the victim and gaining allies through this. I am being portrayed as the hard hearted wife that won’t accept her husbands “repentance” and just forgive him already. I foolishly started to have some hope that maybe just maybe he will respect my need for this physical boundary and grant me what I need to heal. Then we would have something to build on, maybe. I am grateful that God is keeping my eyes open to the truth and not allowing me to fall into false hope. But it still stings.
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BeginHealing — I like what you wrote here:
That is such truth. If we are not released from the marriage, we know that there has been no change . . . we know that only more slavery and condemnation await. My ex never released me until I was remarried. I wondered if he would ever do it . . . if he would ever recognize that I am free, in Christ, to make a decision on my own.
I know what you mean about your husband needing to hear it from a third party. This happened to me on, almost a daily, basis. I could tell my husband what I needed (I need to be listened to . . . or I just need to feel like I am more important than school or seminary or his “calling” of whatever . . . ) and he would absolutely blow me off. Then, when things got SO BAD, someone else would tell him, “You need to love your wife and listen to her” and it would be like he had never heard it before. That NEVER impressed me. It just showed me over and over again that he did not believe I was a whole person — someone worth listening to!
I have heard the stage you are describing called “hearts and flowers”. It is where he shows a modicum of repentance . . . but you know it will end soon, so you try to enjoy it while it will last. But, you can always tell, as a wife, when that stage is up and you will no longer be allowed to heal. :(
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Yes, nothing I said was true unless he heard it somewhere else. Did anyone else experience your spouse interrupting and completely change subjects every time you spoke like you were not there at all? I went through that on a daily basis.
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uughh . . . interrupting! That is one of the most common abusive tactics I’ve experienced. I used to point out when he was interrupting me. I would make a legitimate non-whining complaint — I’d ask him respectfully to not to interrupt me, or at least to not do it so often. He rarely if ever accepted that his interrupting of me was rude or disrespectful. His ‘defence’? That when I chatted with my best female friend she and I would interrupt each other all the time, and I never complained to her about that, so why was I complaining to him? That got me bamboozled. I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t bother me when she did it, but it did bother me when he did it. So I was kinda silenced by his defence.
Now upon reflection I think it’s like this. My friend and I did have a pattern of interjecting on each other during our conversations, but when she did it, it didn’t bother me in the least because a) she did it at appropriate moments so it never jarred or created a speed bump in the conversation; b) the interjections were short; c) they always added to our conversation in positive ways, warming us empathically to each other, adding to the colour and richness of the conversation; d) if she was interjecting or interrupting to state a disagreement with me, she did it in a way that still respected my opinion.
Contrast all that with the way my husband interrupted: longer declamations, rudely disagreeing or dismissing my opinions, no empathy, and the timing of his interruptions showed no concern for how I was feeling or how his interruption might impact me.
I think me and my friend can interrupt each other a lot while still tracking together. But my husband would interrupt and not track with me at all; he’d take over and push me off the track so I had nowhere to go.
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Ditto. There is a huge difference. His way of interrupting was disrespectful and left me behind like a non person. The interjections that my daughters and I would do between us was adding to the conversation. He turned in the divorce paper to my attorney today (or so he says) so a few more days. Right now I feel like he will never go away completely. Paul had a thorn that he prayed God to take away, but he said no I think I will leave it there. I think this could be my thorn.
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Megan C
Yes the third party validation thing is very devaluing. I like how you stated it makes you feel like you are not a whole person worth listening to. Other peoples affirmations and understanding is so very healing.
Brenda R
I would be asked a direct question by another person and my husband would interrupt and change the subject to something completely different. What you stated happens all the time around here, all….the….time.
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For me too BeginHealing. He is now telling people that I left because I hated him and wanted him dead so I could have everything. (Everything doesn’t amount to all that much.) He says I took all of the money out of our bank accounts and took everything that wasn’t nailed down. He says that I didn’t have enough love to work things out. Amongst other things. He admitted this in an email tonight. I’m sure that most believe it. I haven’t seen or heard from any of his family except for my stepson. He is cool with me. We just don’t talk about his Dad.
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Congratulations Megan, for being brave enough to address this issue and for addressing it so graciously and poignantly. Beautifully done.
One thing that I can hear being said as this woman reads your post, is her saying to herself, “none of us is worthy of anything, including happiness – because we are all just so depraved and worthless and even though my husband sinned this way, I am just as much to blame – somehow, someway, because we are all equal sinners alike”. Of course, she has already been told this over the years, so it is “common knowledge” to her now. She has to excuse this, because she is so worthless herself. This false representation of how God views sin and how He views His people that are now saved, is what I believe helps keep women in particular, as easy targets in the Church, and especially in the Family integration movement. Yes, we are all fallen sinners, but once saved, we are new creations in Christ. How many times is it going to happen after this, and she will be expected to take it? Are they on a course of proving 70X7 for adultery in marriage?
The other troubling thing about this entire situation, is where the other woman and her husband play into it and how do they feel about the internet being used as this man’s confessional!
I have to say, that in some ways, I think the entire confession is a set up. A set up for all of us, in some dark way. It now can be used to say that all women everywhere should forgive their husbands for ongoing adultery, because this family did, and the husband here did not even “know” the other woman, in a physical sense. So what that means is that all these men who have enormous lust problems and are visually, emotionally or through the internet (pictures) having affairs with other women, are to be forgiven, johnny on the spot, no questions asked, because we now have a higher example of a godly, Titus 2 woman, who did it. But it is still a breaking of the covenant. This went on for a long time. I wonder if his wife will even ask him, how many other women he entertained this way.
I think this is just the beginning of a long fall, down a long slippery slope.
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IAMB — I think you are right about how women view themselves . . . I heard that over and over. A counseling professor actually told me “We don’t deserve ANYTHING!” and I do believe I shared that with others, as well (sob!). :( It was my way of surviving, I guess. When my sweet husband, David, first began to correspond with me, he would say (on the phone when we hung up), “Good night, precious child of God” . . . or he would start his letters that way. I would WEEP. I was not sure anyone had ever called me that before. I was so hungry for someone to tell me that I was of worth to Jesus. :(
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Oh, that all men were that way!!
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Forgiveness is such a complex topic. Anther topic that has been muddied by the church that seems to misunderstand so much of the Bible!!
I so agree about not taking revenge. And here is another aspect that has really helped me understand forgiveness:
Hudson believes that it can take YEARS to reach the feelings of forgiveness for the kinds of abuse we here have experienced. Of course the issue becomes even more complex when we are dealing with abusers who have INTENTIONALLY hurt us, and who’s “remorse’ is fake, but our personal process of healing our emotions still remains a long term issue.
She also talks about how people use forgiveness as a manipulation- They hurt us and feel bad about themselves and want us to forgive them before we’ve even had a chance to process the event because if we don’t feel bad about what they did, then they don’t have to feel bad about what they did. (not that abusers actually feel bad about what they did. I think they just want us to shut up and hope that “forgiveness will do that.)
The topic of forgiveness is dear to my heart since I was accused by a former best friend of not being forgiving (and in sin) because I was still in pain over my abuser’s torment of me only two months after the divorce was final and also in pain over another friends betrayal of me (siding with my abuser) six weeks after her cutting me off.
Having been betrayed by my two closest friends who just don’t get covert abuse has added huge amounts of pain and trauma to an already nearly unbearable situation. I am so grateful for the Lord, my strength Who has carried me through and who knows my heart.
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I am so sorry that you lost the support of your close friends. This is such an isolating process and we really need support from friends. I pray that God blesses you with loving people to step into the void with you.
I appreciate this post tremendously! The pressure to hurry up and forgive then never feel pain or speak of the injury again is unfair and controlling. My husband often accuses me of being unforgiving because his behaviors have forced me to put emotional and physical distance between us. Basically he wants to be able to treat me however he wants say sorry and I am supposed to just get over it and still allow him complete access to my heart and body.
I am going to look for that book that you quoted. Thanks :-)
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This book sounds incredible. I think I need to get it! I remember pleading with my ex to give me TIME to heal . . . trying to tell him that I was wounded. It was a constant cycle and he would never give adequate time. He would tell me that I was “forcing consequences on him” when I could not be what he wanted me to be. It is awful to experience that. :(
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When I left my husband 5 months ago, I begged him to give me time to heal and for him to get help. Neither one happened. I went from Legal Separation to a divorce that should be final next week. He sees the whole thing as “No matter what he does, it’s not good enough.” Well saying one nice thing and it doesn’t get my motor running and then followed by anger, yelling and accusing me of adultery doesn’t say change to me.
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The book sounds wonderful! I have to echo what everyone else said..TIME. Being given time to heal. And in that time no re-injuries. Not only does the ex-idiot not give me time he keeps re-injuring me with trumped up legal maneuverings and non-payment of child support and new accusations.
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They just don’t get it. I wanted time to heal. I got none, until he decided it was time to give me an entire 11 days. Then it started all over again. The reinjuries never stopped. I start to feel stronger and wham, here comes another one. Same stuff, different day. Cutting off communication 100% has been impossible. I still have to work and he knows the number. My boss doesn’t want to get into it, so getting an order just for my work number is about impossible. I don’t take his calls and few emails any longer. As time goes on I hope he finds another target.
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I know!! Everyone says not respond, don’t read his emails, etc. but I still have three minor kids. I have to ! So wrong! I have blocked all his calls and he doesn’t know where I work. Those who haven’t gone through it think that separating from them is easy.
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I find the book very healing because it is mostly about how to give ourselves compassion when we get triggered. Jackie says that we need to be placed in good soil to heal- and that soil is made up of God’s love, grace, mercy, truth and time. I’m not sure if that is in the book- she told me that in person.
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Gods timing is amazing. I just posted yesterday for the first time, then this topic opens. I too was a pastors wife for nearly 2 decades. The expectations and force to conform and move forward are great with much emphasis on not being able to open up to anyone because you need to keep the mystique of a leader.
I so identify with the forgiveness topic. I am baffled by the number of issues that we paste our own definitions to in the church. I saw myself as a very forgiving person and able to move past the hurts that came my way either from my husband or by the people in the church. Your definition is very true of what it should be but unfortunately the “preferred” definition is what is practiced and forced. Unless, of course, it is someone who has hurt him then we can talk about it til we are blue in the face. The discussions of what physical harm and ridicule he is capable of bringing on that person is frightening, but when you show fear of his response to your leaving him, his words are : “you make me sound like I am some violent angry person who will come after you and hurt you. I would never do that.” Yet he gave such explicit details to how he would break someone for just smearing his name. How would he respond to someone “stealing his children from him”?
Once the truth was revealed about his manipulative ways to get what he wanted in life from the church to satisfy his materialistic needs, and the truth was revealed what actually took place inside our 4 walls, he asks me in a matter of 7 months to go back into the ministry again cause he can’t find a job to care for his family. Besides ministry is all he knows. I have since discover that is code for “I can have power and control over every area of my life both home and work in this occupation.”
I enjoy serving people and see myself doing it again someday, but just not with him. Hearing his voice even pray is a trigger to what I felt every Sunday he was behind the pulpit posing as the answer to all a persons problems. I am thankful that God used people in my life to help me see that I was living In a fantasy world while reality moved forward without me. As harsh as reality can be, I want to face it with God as my guide and not relying on others telling me what it is that God wants for me, but to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and hear his voice not that of my husband.
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Desiring Healing . . . I am so glad you joined our blog community. :) I think you and I can relate to each other in lots of ways and that God will use all you have been through to truly minister FOR REAL to hurting women. I completely understand what you mean about wanting the Holy Spirit to guide you and not your husband. When your husband has stolen that bond of trust, how CAN you trust him to guide you? You are doing the right thing by listening to Christ. I pray for the minister’s wife I wrote about . . . that she can hear God’s voice through the thick thick wall of dogma that has surrounded her for years and years. It is not easy. :(
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This is a great post, Megan. I’m going to create a new tag called “pastor’s wives” for this blog, as I think it will be helpful. Hey, we have nearly 200 tags already so we can have one more!
Since the topic of forgiveness has been a big part of this thread, here is a link to our Forgiveness tag, where readers can explore all our other posts that discuss forgiveness. And don’t forget that as well as the tag cloud in the sidebar, we have a complete list of tags available in our top menu. Happy hunting!
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Thank you, Barb. :)
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Yes, please do Barb. !!! Much needed!!
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Here is a comment from another post. The comment is written by a woman whose pastor-husband abused her terribly for years. I’m putting the link here, so that other pastor’s wives can find it more easily.
How complementarianism can magnify the entitlement mentality of men, making them worse
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