You Are My Sunshine: An Abuser’s Theme Song
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
***
There is more than one variation of You Are My Sunshine, but this one will do for our purposes here. Every time I hear this song (as I did this evening, sung by Johnny Cash – who wrote more than one very abuser friendly song by the way), it makes me cringe. Why? Because though the words are supposedly those of a poor, heartsick man who truly loved his sunshine gal, I now recognize them as the classic words and tactics and mind games of a power and control seeking individual. There is nothing in these lyrics that has not been heard many times by abuse victims. When you realize that, you will even spot a veiled threat or two in them.
So please read through these and then in your comments, point out to us the mentality and tactics of abuse used in these words. Here we go:
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
[Chorus]
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away
I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:
[Chorus]
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But now you’ve left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
[Chorus]
In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away
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- Posted in: Abusers
- Tagged: abuser's tactics, emotional abuse, identifying abusers, Jeff Crippen
A Cry For Justice 
While I can definitely see an abuser using these words and expressions, they are not abusive or indicative of abusive tendencies by default. I’ve known good people who were sincere and loyal in their marriages, expressing similar things to spouses who’d left them through purely selfish motives. I will readily concede that abusers have used these words in the past — but they are only abusive in the context of someone trying to manipulate their victim, not in the context of someone suffering from betrayal and a genuinely broken heart. Let’s try to be fairly objective here or we’re going to end up seeing abusers behind every bush. We don’t want to fall into the same trap as the folks who scream “racism” or “sexism” every time a white male sneezes.
HFT – Thanks for your input here. We aren’t denying that these words could not be sung out of an injured heart, but we are not unduly exaggerating the fact that these are indeed the very kinds of words that abusers use, and the fact that such words and phrases contain a “plausible deniability” element make them all the more insidious. “Hey, I only meant that you are my sunshine” — When in fact such things were said by an abuser to cast blame, to instill false guilt, and even to threaten – “You’ll regret it all someday.”
I would rather people all come to the point of seeing abusers behind every bush that I would to be content with the present state of affairs that denies abuse and claims it is rare. In fact, I do not agree with your statement that there is a danger here of OVER-emphasizing abuse. In reality, the problem is not that at all, but quite the opposite. People don’t see abuse at all, but deny it. Do you see my point? What is the whole issue we are dealing with here on this blog? Over-reaction to abuse? Paranoia about abuse where it doesn’t exist? No. It is that abuse is being denied, hidden, and enabled. That is the problem. Paranoia? Well, I say bring it on. That would be better than what we are seeing in our churches now.
I see what you’re saying… but our “sexism” and “racism”- sensitive culture has reached a point where people are being persecuted for things they’ve never felt or believed simply because someone decided something was “bigoted”. (For example, the Spanish teacher who was fired recently for teaching her students the Spanish word for “black”.) It’s a societal tendency to go from the extreme of ignoring an issue to such high paranoia that everyone’s walking on eggshells and bending over backward for fear of being labeled an evil person. It could become the same with abuse. I’ve been labeled “abusive” by people who knew my abusive father and simply assume I abuse my wife and kids because I’m his son. I’ve been slandered and maligned as an abuser by people who simply didn’t like me. I’ve been a victim of abuse paranoia, and abuse paranoia can be just as unjust as abuse itself. I’m trying to speak a word of caution from my own experiences. I like what you’re doing here on your blog and often refer people to it — but please don’t go running to the opposite extreme! Abuse awareness and understanding the nature of it is excellent. Running to paranoia is just plain wrong and asking for a whole new set of problems.
HFT- I disagree that ultra-sensitivity to sexism or racism is transferrable to some kind of ultra-sensitivity to abuse. First, what is the problem in regard to racism today? Racism or hyper-sensitivity to it? Similarly, what is the fundamental problem in respect to sexism today? Sexism or hyper-sensitivity to sexism? The substance of the problem is the thing itself – racism. Sexism. Do away with those and you also solve the hyper-reaction issues. Similarly, the problem in respect to abuse is not hyper-abuse sensitivity, but abuse itself. Deal with abuse and you deal with the rest as well.
In addition, what we see as hyper-sensitivity to racism and sexism may well be, in many cases, not a hyper-reaction at all, but simply a failure on our part to do some real honest soul-searching about our attitudes toward other races and the opposite sex. Is my problem that I am going to be wrongly accused of being racist or sexist? Is that my fundamental problem? Or could it just be that my real problem is that I AM racist or sexist to a much greater degree than I even realize?
But to return. The fundamental problem with abuse right now in our churches (and in society as well, though worse in our churches) is certainly not the threat that we are going to become too hyper-sensitive and paranoid about it, but quite the opposite. Just as we tend to turn away and deny racism or sexism, so our natural tendency is to do the very same with abuse. That is the our bent. That is the danger, not running to paranoia or extremism. In fact we need to be a lot more “paranoid” about abuse, because it is a fear based upon sound fact – not upon imagined conspiracies. Abuse is epidemic. And its coverup is epidemic. Abuse IS behind every tree.
Let me also state my theory in regard to the lyrics of You Are My Sunshine – just my theory. Namely, that the person who wrote those lyrics had an abuser mindset at least to one degree or another. Much of what we have accepted in popular songs and literature is in reality the entitlement-to-power-and-control mentality and tactics of abuse. Does the poor man appear to be sooooo heartsick and forlorn that his love has left him? Well, so does your average abuser appear that way and these words in these lyrics are indeed the very kind that such abusers use to work their evil upon their victims.
So…. guilty until proven innocent…. if given the chance to be proven innocent?
Guilty based upon sound observation. Abuserese can be recognized. Abuser tactics can be known. When the fruit is bad, so is the root. By the way, read up on Jimmie Davis of Louisiana, the singer most associated with this song. You will find that he is a product of segregationist southern culture and that he once wrote a paper discussing the races. Here is the Wikipedia description –
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not necessarily defending the song or it’s author. I wholeheartedly agree that it contains phraseology very reminiscent of things abusers say. My point is that we should try to make sure we don’t swing too far in either extreme.
When you advocated “paranoia”, I assumed we were handling the word with the same definition in mind. I thought we were discussing it as “irrational fear”. But above you mention “sound observation”. I’m 100% for sound observation based on facts and understanding. Simply assuming someone is abusive is as unfair as assuming the abuse victim is a whiney nutcase or an attention hound. If we’re seeking justice, let’s seek it straight across the board.
Hungeringfortruth
I see at your blog [Internet Archive link] that you have written no posts at all, which suggests you have no truth to share. I also see that on your About [Internet Archive link] page this is your self-description:
This gives me the impression that you like to fight and argue while pretending that fighting and arguing is not your real agenda. I think you have outed yourself quite enough and we are going to block you from making any further comments on this blog.
See, just give us enough time and we can recognize abuserese! You may leave us now, and love another:)
Thank you, Jeff C and Barbara, for your response to HFT – I was very disturbed by the initial comment and moreso by the following ones, and very relieved to see you guys spot the issues and ban him. Hearing someone complain about ‘hypersensitity’ and ‘paranoia’ in that way is a big trigger for me, as my dad loves that line.
‘No, there’s no racism/sexism/abuse problem today, no people are being marginalised or suppressed in any way, people are just looking for things to be offended about! Reverse racism! Feminazis! False accusations!’ Ugh. He sounded exactly like my dad in general, tbh.
I was reading through these and thought how much Hungeringfortruth sounded like my ex-idiot. And then I saw Jeff pushing back and Barbara’s boundary setting. Thank you both for protecting us , showing us how it’s done and side note of how typical abusers are!!
Hugs to you, Jeff and Barbara!!! Well done!
Yikes! I only ever paid attention to the chorus.
Also see “Delia’s Gone” and “I Shot my Woman Down” and “Tear Stained Letter” sung by Johnny Cash as well. And often when he would sing songs like these at concerts, the crowd was cheering. Imagine him singing this stuff to the inmates at Folsom Prison. It’s like hearing someone throw red meat to pack of wolves. I hope that Cash truly came to Christ in later years, but as far as I know he never renounced songs like these and, as D. James Kennedy used to say of some of the people in his church, I would not want to be handcuffed to Cash on the Day of Judgment!
This doesn’t make sense:
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.
Why would he take more blame than is warranted? If there is grounds for him to take the blame, why should she regret leaving him and what is there for him to forgive? And why is his taking blame conditioned on her returning and making him happy?
Lundy talked in his book about how in touch with his own feelings and pain the abuser is and how out of touch he is with his victim’s pain and how little regard he1 has for that. We are hearing all about the pain this singer is in at losing his sunshine and how this pain is the sunshine’s fault for leaving him. The only concern he has for his sunshine’s feelings is that she regret leaving him someday, and it doesn’t come of as him being concerned about that for her sake but for his satisfaction in it.
To which I say let the clouds roll in and the rain pour in torrents while his sunshine goes to the Bahamas, gets a tan, and drinks mai tais all day.
So there.
1She, when the abuser is female.
Knowing the mindset of the abuser who wrote the song Sunshine had good reason to leave. Davis may have worded it for plausible deniability but Sunshine knows what that threat of regret is all about.
The lyrics portray co-dependency, projection, self-victimization, blame shifting, guilt tripping, and the double sweet-talk / manipulation of an abuser. The subtly of the lyrics make them more dangerous. Some songs played on the radio currently are flat out blatantly abusive. At least you know what you’re dealing with when it’s blatant.
Sail!
This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby
This is how an angel dies
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby
CHORUS
Sail! (Repeat 4 x’s)
Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby
Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my A.D.D. baby
CHORUS
Sail with me into the dark
Sail! (Repeat 4 x’s)
UUHG!
Good share, Friend of the Oppressed. Very clear example of the abuser mentality.
A lot of the verses could be taken either way until you get to the verse that gives the game away. Taking all the blame and forgiving is conditional upon the other person coming back and making him happy. This is abusive behaviour. People tend to be consistent, so the whole song needs to be understood in accordance with the insight given in that last verse.
Spot on, Forrest. You nailed it.
is the first major hint of abuserese, but as some or our readers have pointed out, that line could have been written by a heartbroken person whose treacherous spouse who had simply upped and left for no good reason. So after the red flag of that line, we need to keep our antennae fully out and watch for any other marks of abuserese which might confirm (or dis-confirm) our suspicions. . .
And here is the confirmation:
WHEN you come back and make me happy. . . hello? Is he so sure she will come back? And she will make him happy when she comes back? Is it all a fait accompli? Why is he so sure? The only reason he could be sure is because he knows his threats will bear fruit and she will be intimidated and buckle under.
Now admittedly, when you come back and make me happy could be mere wishful dreaming, uttered with poetic license as if it were a certainty. But the clincher is the line I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take the blame. He recognises that he IS the one to blame for her leaving. He is masquerading repentance and contrition in order to suck her back in. He’s promising to take the blame rather than dump blame on her, so that she will come back unafraid and grateful for his contrition, hoping that it will all be rosy from now on because he’s recognised his sin and taken full responsibility. 🙂 But as we know, words are cheap. Words are pretty much worthless. The only way to test repentance is to look for actions and behaviour over an extensive time. 😦
To make it really stark, compare these two lines and ask yourself do you not feel the cognitive dissonance between them?
Threat. . . lots of mushy stuff in between to confuse and beguile the listener . . then the sweet promise. How can this not be abuserese?
So that, dear friends, is proof positive that the lyrics ARE abuserese, not just the words of a broken-hearted lover who didn’t deserve to be abandoned.
Which is a long-winded way of saying that Jeff Crippen is right: Guilty based upon sound observation. Abuserese can be recognized. Abuser tactics can be known.
Hungeringfortruth seems to be more Trollingforafight.
Wikipedia
Internet troll
In Internet slang, a troll (/ˈtroʊl/, /ˈtrɒl/) is someone who posts inflammatory,[1] extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as a forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response[2] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.[3] The noun troll may also refer to the provocative message itself, as in: “That was an excellent troll you posted.”
“the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response”
A troll delights in power and control over another’s emotions.
Trolls turn to stone in the daylight.
I’ll remember that. 🙂
“But if you leave me and love another, You’ll regret it all some day.” The writer could be saying that she will regret it because he’s such a great guy and she’ll never find another fantastic dude like him again (Narcissistic? Grandiose? Superiority complex? My ex used to tell me this all the time, that he’s such a great guy and any other woman would be happy with him). Or, the writer could be saying that she’ll regret leaving him because he’ll do something to harm her and make her regret it (dangerous, potentially abusive man).
“So when you come back and make me happy, I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take the blame.” He could either be truly in love and willing to admit fault, or he’s so possessive/dependent/infatuated/obsessed with her and dependent on her that he feels he can’t live without her. The “I’ll take all the blame” part could be insinuating that he feels that she will blame him for everything, not that he’s willing to accept fault.
I don’t know if the writer of this song, or its singer were abusive or not. What I do see here is a theme common with abusers or what I would call proto-abusers. That is, the typical classic country theme of the man is in charge and “owns” his wife/girlfriend, or at least owns the rights to their thoughts and feelings. In this culture, a woman is something to be “bagged”, much as one would hunt a deer or other wildlife….
Much of classic country is such a downer, and always focuses on failed relationships and infidelity, which is why I have trouble listening to it. The guy always seems to be the one hurt by the woman (I know, there are exceptions), without any regard for why his woman left him, or how he treated her. There is definitely an attitudinal problem in much of the genre, whether or not this song was meant as a description or promotion of abuse.
Riddle:
What do you get when you play a country music song backwards?
Answer:
He gets his job back, his woman back and his dog back.
Sorry, old joke, but couldn’t resist. LOL.
Hahahaha! Maybe it’s an old joke, but it’s a new one on me. Thanks, Song 🙂
So his employer, his woman, and his dog all get the short end of the deal:)
Ha! 😀
LOVE IT :)!
I think so many love songs are written by stalkers. I’m thinking of. Aretha’s Until You Come Back To Me. All that phone ringing, door rapping, window tapping. .. makes me want a restraining order.
And then there’s “Every Breath You Take”, but I do believe that was intentionally about a stalker. It creeps me out when people use it at weddings, though. The fact that people can confuse it as a love song says a lot.
The other song I know is about a stalker is “Possession” by Sarah McLachlan, which she wrote after she was the target of a stalker (she wrote it from his perspective). It’s really powerful, but i could see it definitely being triggering for some folks.
There is a song by Mariah Carey that creeps me out as well. Some of the lyrics:
You’ll always be a part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me
Ooh darling ’cause you’ll always be my baby
And we’ll linger on
Time can’t erase a feeling this strong
No way you’re never gonna shake me
Ooh darling ’cause you’ll always be my baby
Always sounded very “stalkery” to me.
I was always really partial to that Dixie Chicks song though…what was it… “Earl Had to Die” or something…
😉
Goodbye Earl 🙂
“Those black-eyed peas . . . . they taste alright to me . … Earl.”
let’s go out to the lake… “we’ll pack a lunch!” LOL 😉
Haha, Katy!! 😉
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away”
The first hint that catches my attention is the word my, which may speak of an ownership mentality. Then the phrase “you make me happy”, which puts the responsibility of the singer’s happiness on to the one being sung about. Then, the “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you”, may point to how withholding love, affection, etc. is used by abusers.
I used to sing the chorus to my first son as a lullaby because he had a toy that played it and seemed to like it. I once tried to learn the rest of the song but realized I didn’t like it so I just stuck to the part I knew, and would change those words for my own entertainment. I didn’t realize quite why – I just thought it was a kind of sad.
There’s the one song out now – “Just give me a reason” that so many people think is really romantic – like the couple in the song is fighting for their love. All I hear is that she says he’s talking in his sleep and he says she’s dreaming it all up, completely denying her reality. I really like the sound of the song, but I can’t listen to it because it’s pretty brutal on me.
My sister played that song for me because she likes it and I hated it. She’s begging him to convince her to stay in a broken relationship. It was so triggering, I couldn’t stand it. There’s also a Christian song called “I’m only human” that sounds like an abuser’s script, I don’t know anything about the singer or his intentions, but the song makes me cringe.
I would probably know that song if I heard it but I can’t think how it goes.
I don’t get why people seem to like songs like that. I also don’t get why people like to watch soap operas. It’s like they want to be hurt or something. Most “love” songs are anything but. There was some guy who was popular a few years ago that wrote a song about some chick I guess he had been with before but he was now with someone else, who happened to be in the next room as he’s breathing his impassioned words of unfaithfulness to this other woman. All I could think of whenever I heard that song is I’d deck anyone who ever spoke to me that way. But they are all like that. If it isn’t totally dysfunctional, it isn’t “love.” And don’t even get me started on Rhianna and Eminem’s song. Lundy tackled that one in his video series on abuse in entertainment. I think that series is on here somewhere.
On the other hand, there was that really good Gloria Gaynor song, I Will Survive. Love that one! 😀
I also like “I Will Survive.”. Always have. But it never truly resonated with me until I finally recognized his abuse.
“You are My Sunshine” is a song I heard a lot, and it never really gave me positive feelings. It was more of a dreadful feeling. Usually whoever sang it sounded really whiney, which is not surprising as the song itself…the melody and words, are self-serving and hypocritical. I can imagine my to be ex embracing that song. It really does typify an abusive mindset.
If you like “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor you might also like “So Help Me God” by Fireflight, the Christian alternative rock band. This song gave me great strength in the days leading up to separating from my Ball & Chain. I cranked it up and sang it loud while he was at work.
Yes- we posted that one here a while back! Also the song “Unbreakable” by Fireflight is very encouraging to those who’ve decided to stand up against their accusers.
Interesting! Has anyone seen Leah McFall’s version of I Will Survive from the UK singing show “the Voice”? I have been watching it over and over the last few days, loving what she did with it, but DUH!!! How did I not see the abuse in there?
Answer: the same reason I have stayed with my HB for so long. Really I am only just lately putting the right labels on things, it makes me feel so stupid, looking back.
But it got me thinking, this is tricky, looking at “you are my sunshine” none of us can be certain of the writer’s intention, although there are some really big light bulbs happening with potentially abusive lines in the song.
I remember years ago when my son used to be set upon by a horrible kid, if he said “I will see you outside school” it filled him with fear and dread, because he was already successfully bullied and expected the worst. If a friend had said exactly the same words, it would have meant something entirely different, something to look forward to, with no implicit threat.
So what am I saying, that it is only abuse if you hear it as such? That can’t be right. I am an example of someone who has been abused for years without knowing what it was, without identifying it properly as abuse. It doesn’t make the abuse any less than it was, in fact it is more worrying….I have phobias, behaviours, sensitivities, illnesses and anxieties that relate directly to this long-term, subtle kind of abuse I have suffered, the implicit threats in certain comments; the covert threats and behaviours that make me fearful and compliant, and unlikely to rock the boat and leave.
So it is back to the intention part. I now believe my HB has INTENDED to keep me in line by subtly abusing me all these years because I am his source of narcissistic supply. See, I am learning stuff, hurray, LOL. I see it was deliberate what he did; he knew exactly what he was doing. It wasn’t accidental intermittant thoughtlessness, but predatory deliberate control tactics. And all this without once laying a finger on me.
One of the effects is worst case scenario thinking, this I identify in myself. Yes there IS an abuser behind every bush, because as I now know, all of the bushes in my psychological landscape have been put there by my husband one way or another. Wow. No wonder I am fearful even walking the dog.
Well guess what buddy, no more.
I also used to sing bits of “you are my sunshine” to my son when he was little. But there is something wrong with the grammar seemingly, as though there are two people he is singing about: “sunshine” and the force/person who has the power to take “his” sunshine away. It only makes sense if “sunshine” is seen as an object. This to me is the nub of the problem. We are not objects: we are thinking feeling human beings. If someone treats us physically, psychologically, intellectually, verbally or emotionally as though we are “objects” i.e., with less than normal human entitlement and expectation, then it has to be labelled as abuse.
But there is something wrong with the grammar seemingly, as though there are two people he is singing about: “sunshine” and the force / person who has the power to take “his” sunshine away. It only makes sense if “sunshine” is seen as an object. This to me is the nub of the problem. We are not objects: we are thinking feeling human beings. If someone treats us physically, psychologically, intellectually, verbally or emotionally as though we are “objects” i.e., with less than normal human entitlement and expectation, then it has to be labelled as abuse.
That’s a really good point!
I know where you’re coming from Mary. I denied my “husband’s” abuse for 4 decades. It was painful but incredibly freeing when I finally saw the light. I was no longer to blame for this ongoing sickness in the marriage.
Returning to “You are My Sunshine”. For the past 2 years or so, whenever I would think of the song, I would think it it as being sung very plaintively and slowly, like an otherworldly, echoing chant. I heard this song a lot in my childhood and never particularly liked it. It has been on my mind quite often. Another layer of recovery to deal with.
so much wisdom and insight in this comment of yours, Mary!
singing Hooray with you across the oceans!
Amen, amen, and amen. The determination and victory in your words are so empowering, they make me want to jump up and down and cheer. I love it.
Hey folks, please don’t submit posts that include full or substantial lyrics of a song, just mention the title of the song you want to talk about. Let readers look up the lyrics online themselves if they wish to, but I don’t want our blog to be getting into hot water over breaching copyright.
I think that this You Are My Sunshine post can be construed as fair review and criticism (and therefore not a breach of copyright) but we can’t justify re-publishing endless numbers of lyrics from songs.
Actually, I think the first red flag might come even before the line about regret:
I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
He’ll only love her and make her happy if she does it to him first. Corollary: if she doesn’t, he won’t love her and won’t make her happy – i.e., he won’t treat her very well!