“Then the lion said — but I don’t know if it spoke — You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was jut the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know — if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass, only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. CS Lewis, “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”
Eustace had been turned into a dragon by his own selfishness. And only Aslan (Jesus-type) could save him (turn him into a boy again). But, not just any boy, the boy Aslan meant for him to be. A boy who becomes different, new, changed.
But . . . . oh, the process. The pain . . . cutting so deeply it near destroys our hearts.
Many of my friends are losing friends due to their pending or past divorces. Many of these women were abused. God seems to be taking them through a time of sifting. I went through this, too. It was painful. And, not only do we lose friends, we lose family, money, time, jobs, belongings, homes, security . . . and, most importantly, our naivete. I no longer believe that everyone who goes to church knows God. I no longer believe that a man is godly simply because he is a pastor or a deacon. I no longer believe that the Bible says what “they” say it says.
What God has been doing in my life and in the lives of so many others is tearing away the blindness. Simply insisting that we see that what we believed was truth was not, indeed, truth. God, in fact, did NOT want us to stay with our abusers. He, in fact, did NOT want us to “suffer for the sake of the institution of marriage”. He, in fact, did not want us to die on the inside. He is ripping off that dragon skin that was thick and ugly . . . that dragon skin that, strangely, had become part of who we were . . . almost (dare I say?) comfortable.
At the end, it is a gift . . . all the sifting and the losses. I know that is a bold statement. Christ does not want us to be blindly living the life of a dragon . . . no voice, no sanity, no joy. He does not want dragon-ness to be our “normal”. I lost many friends; I lost tremendous support. But, those relationships I held onto with such clenched fists were unhealthy and yet I did not know it. God is merciful, always. He does not change. Could it be, that maybe the sifting and the loss are one of the ways that Christ says, “Open your eyes, child . . . Open your ears . . . He who has ears, let him hear . . . He who has eyes, let him see . . . ”
It hurts. It cuts deeply. And the only way it is tolerable is that we know — we KNOW — that there is new skin underneath. New growth. New hope. Just plain ole’ newness. We can get through the sifting because we know that God is not finished. He is making us into who He always meant us to be. A child . . . with a voice . . . with sanity . . . with hope.
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Amen!
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I never thought of it as sifting. That is an incredible mental picture. When I step back, I can see that all of my baby-Pharisee-type thinking was being completely stripped from me. I was being put into positions that caused unbearable “cognitive dissonance”. I couldn’t reconcile what I had been taught was in the Bible, with what was actually happening to me.
Instead of losing all my friends and support (because I was so isolated I had none to begin with) – I lost everything that was inside of me. All my beliefs about who God is. All my beliefs about who I am. In a sense – I lost my religion. But now I’m finding a real relationship with Jesus.
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When I just approved this comment, I wished there was a button that said, “Oh, YES! Do I EVER approve of this! In fact, I want to shout AMEN to all of cyber-world!!” Alas, the button only says “Approve”, which is an understatement. :)
Oh, yeah. And there, you have the “real” Eustace. We have just exactly what Jesus wants. :)
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Thank you, Barb. :)
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I agree totally with what Meg said. Katy, you nailed it.
And Meg, this a superlative post. :) :) :)
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Katy you said that soooo much better than I could. I said I was “RE-” born again into the truth…after I left the church, and looked back at what I was truly in the midst of, know wonder I was tossed around, I had nothing left inside of me, and i hoped I would find some hope in an equally as hositle environment as I was experiencing in my own home. I truly did as you put it, lost my religion, and THEN was actually born again into Gods truth NOT theirs….
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“…and, most importantly, our naivete. I no longer believe that everyone who goes to church knows God. I no longer believe that a man is godly simply because he is a pastor or a deacon. I no longer believe that the Bible says what “they” say it says. ”
I believe this is one of the areas that caused me the most grief, having to come to terms with the “wolves in wool” that I believed I could trust and how the Word of God had been so twisted and misused by them. My grief was not just for myself, but for all those before and after me, as well as just a profound grief at how blasphemed and misused God’s name had been.
“He, in fact, did not want us to die on the inside. He is ripping off that dragon skin that was thick and ugly . . . that dragon skin that, strangely, had become part of who we were . . . almost (dare I say?) comfortable.”
Yes, comfortable because what we know is always more comfortable than having to learn what we don’t know! That is part of the pain, coming out of our sick comfort zone and learning how to live a new life in freedom in Christ and what is “right” living, according to our blessed Savior. Paul said he counted all things as loss, in order to gain Christ. I am happy that He is taking me on the journey to count all this nonsense as loss, in order to gain the life in Christ, He meant for me to have, and not just me, but the rest of “me”, my lineage after me.
This is an excellent post, Megan. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement!
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Thank you, anonymous, for articulating my reaction: I find myself vacillating between ‘profound grief’ and indignation at the blasphemy. For so long I have felt the cry of Elijah–i alone am left. Where are the rest of us? Does Christ’s church only exist in cyberworld? I think i’ll change my name to ‘Lonely’.
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AS I SEE – We are “out there” in cyber world alright! At least that is how we connect, but we are in the real world too. This may encourage you. This week I have had contact from 1) a pastor and his wife who have awakened to abuse hiding in the church. They wrote and thanked us for this blog. 2) An abuse victim who has found a church with elders who acknowledge abuse, acknowledge abuse as a basis for divorce, and are providing genuine help. Just from what we are seeing here on this blog, the outcry is increasing. More people are visiting here, and more are going to other places that deal with abuse and also spiritual abuse. Christ’s people are saying “enough” to the big shot evangelical authors and celebrities that have been teaching and disseminating their oppressive nonsense for so long. We are starting to have difficulty just keeping up with answering our readers’ emails and reading all the comments! Nope, Elijah is not the only one left:)
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This is great new, Pastor Crippen! Encouraging to know the Lord is using all of you in this way and changes are being made! PTL!
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Anon- all of you are being used by the Lord too. Everyones comments are a huge part of this ministry.
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All very good news, Jeff!
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Awesome to hear Jeff C.
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A child . . . with a voice
Megan,
Not so sure I would call you a child, but I do love your voice. :)
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:) I almost put “His child”….but, somehow, it did not seem right. And I love your voice, too, BIT.
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I think, because, under the dragon’s skin was a child. Who could now speak. And that is where we start, I believe, once we have been so stripped. It is not a bad thing but definitely gives us room to grow.
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And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3
:)
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At A New Free Life’s blog she’s been writing about the death of her pet dog and the grief that she’s feeling, and she’s given me insight into the meaning and experience of ‘sitting in an ash pit’.
I understand that in traditional Australian aboriginal culture when the women were going to give birth, they would build a large fire in a shallow pit, let it burn itself right out, wait till it was just a cool bed of fine ashes, then lie in that bed to give birth. It was pretty much a sterile environment: no nasty micro-organisms could have survived that fire.
I know this is not following on the analogy of shedding the dragon skin, but it is another way of understanding how grief and loss can bring new life. Sitting in a bed of ashes – which looks like a place of desolation and grief – can be an environment where new life may enter safely.
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What a beautiful concept! Mind blowing!
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What a beautifully written piece!
I am glad I am not the only one to have found myself questioning the tightly-held presumptions that I used to have as a Bible-believing, church-going, Christianese-talking person. As Jeff S once put it, it’s almost like having to wash our brains and start over with some beliefs. Maybe that’s why it’s easier for believers to condone abuse – it’s easier than the hard work of stripping away at our belief system and losing much of what we hold dearly.
I recently came across refreshing words from Dr George Simon, author of In Sheeps Clothing, when he was defending or clarifying his decision to write The Judas Syndrome, which has a Christian slant to it. In replying to an objecting nonbeliever, he says, “…everyone has a set of core beliefs. And I cannot separate either my own character attributes or the principles I advocate from my core beliefs. And those beliefs actually go a lot deeper than the formal faith I practice…”
That’s it, isn’t it. You can call yourself a Christian but if all you practise is formalized, institution-sanctioned mistreatment, then your core beliefs cannot line up with God’s moral values. On the other hand, you can be rejected and marginalized for not carrying the flag of your church institution, but if your core beliefs, as reflected by actions, line up with God’s, then you are indeed one of His.
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Maybe that’s why it’s easier for believers to condone abuse – it’s easier than the hard work of stripping away at our belief system and losing much of what we hold dearly.
I think this is absolutely true.
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Anon, can you write a short review of The Judas Syndrome [Affiliate link] for us? Sounds like we might benefit from reading that book.
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Barbara, his book has only just been stocked by my favorite online bookstore, so I haven’t been able to get a copy yet, but I did find a review. Here is an excerpt from a review on ministrymatters.com:
Review: The Judas Syndrome
By Eric Van Meter
Posted on January 18th, 2013
‘With his latest book, The Judas Syndrome: Why Good People Do Awful Things, therapist and author George Simon tries to explain why people do bad things, and how to deal with the fallout of hurtful human action.
Simon, the author of 2011’s Character Disturbance and composer of the well-known patriotic anthem “America: My Home,” identifies four general types of people who might do bad things. The first category he calls simply “bad people,” although he admits the difficulty of using that term. These are people with significant character failings whose actions cause unapologetic harm to those around them. If they are broken down to the point of admitting their failures and developing faith in Christ, Simon believes, bad people may reform into a better character.
People without serious character deficiencies are not immune from doing bad things, of course. Basically good people have good intentions that cause them to do harm (a second set), as is clear in the cases of over-parenting that the author cites. On the other hand, such people may also not do enough to prevent bad things (a third set), whether through neglect, fear, or indifference. A fourth set are basically good people who fail in the face of serious temptations.
For Simon, the root of destructive action or inaction lies in the strength of someone’s faith, which in turn goes a long way to determining the character of that person. Anyone may profess Christ verbally; in fact, bad people often use religion as a shield to cover their manipulative methods. But, he argues, genuine faith can only be seen through a person’s actions.
Simon uses a fairly broad repertoire of scripture, as well as a lofty religious vocabulary. In fact, the final chapter is devoted entirely to framing character—both flawed and virtuous—according to Christology. The most important questions in regard to character, he asserts, have to do with what we believe about Jesus: who he is, what his purpose was on earth, what his teachings mean, and so forth. He asks readers to consider what it means to follow Jesus, to be reborn, and to have faith that saves.’
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I am just starting to read the Judas Syndrome [Affiliate link] by George Simon. He writes this book as a Christian and is very straightforward about Christ in the opening section. We will have to see where he goes with it. There are no reviews on Amazon yet.
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Such a beautiful, scarey, true posting, Megan. Love your writing and love Lewis. I for one still have the dragon skin disease but if I let Him, He gets it off before I completely lose sight of my real form.
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@ Jeff Crippen- would it be possible to anonymize the pastor and his wife and see what they wrote and what changed their minds? I’m just interested in why they are suddenly opening their eyes to this.
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Lynette – I already asked them. Awaiting their reply! Great minds work in….. uh, forgot the rest.
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great, thanks!
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Yes because some of us are still pussy-footing around, trying to figure out how to beat our own church leaders over the head with this stuff. I MEAN, how to gently introduce these truths.
:)
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I responded on Megan’s site and agree with everything that has been said here. I used to think I was so alone in my experience and now I find that I have sisters within Christianity who face the same monster. It’s one thing to be abused by someone who should have protected you. It’s quite another to be abused again by others in our churches. My eyes have been opened to lessons that I never dreamed I would have to learn. I am seeing American Christianity through discerning eyes now and it is not what I thought it was.
There is a phrase that I have taken to heart over the years….”But God…” God is still God. Jesus is still our Saviour who came to set the captives free. They never change. The Word of God remains the same. The Truth will always be available to us. In that we have hope and can take comfort.
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Heather – You said “I am seeing American Christianity through discerning eyes now and it is not what I thought it was.” Very same here. To some degree it is my fault and all our fault because we have become too trusting I guess. If so and so wrote a book on it then it must be right. We have learned from our earliest Sunday School days that the Bereans tested things by Scripture, but we have often not done it. There is no room in this battle for careless trusting of human beings. Man’s tradition always enslaves. Jesus’ truth always sets people free. We dare not get deceived by the one and lose the other. I find myself being much, much more careful now. Even in what I MYSELF teach.
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This post and all of you here have made a real difference in my life and perception and understanding. When the grief and hurt is present, you wonder, why is this happening? What good can possibly come of this mess, loss, misery? But there is hope, good, blessings, change coming. Later we can see a bigger picture and begin to answer those questions
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Thanks Brian! The big picture indeed!
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Katy you so right. Sometimes I think a 2×4 to the backside of the head is the only way to open the eyes of church leaders to the abuse, the evil in their midst. Yet, this is neither practical nor helpful. Their hearts are not open so their eyes and ears are closed. They just don’t get it.
I have struggled for many years with what I see and hear in churches. I feel that I am only wanted for what I can give (as a volunteer: Sunday School teacher, small group helper, etc). I have not felt wanted or valued for who I am. This is why I have walked away from the church. I long for Christian fellowship, true worship, for value and acceptance, but I have failed to find this in a church (better known as a religious institution since most of these places don’t truly do church). What “Christians” say they believe does not match their actions…….thus abuse prevails and dominates. I know that walking away does not help the situation, but I have not found a better way to deal with these issues or expose the hypocrisy and corruption in these religious institutions.
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I know that walking away does not help the situation,
I don’t know. I think that’s just what we’ve been fed. The church says that nobody is supposed to leave because that’s “forsaking the Body” – but in my cynicism I’ve come to believe that they just want their 10% tithes so they can build another huge million-dollar facility. Right now I’m just a nursery worker, a “helper”, and that’s it. Since I’m a woman I can’t do anything else. The bible study groups aren’t set up for anyone to get to know each other. We’re not supposed to talk too much, or get the leader off track, because we’re following a lesson plan and we have to sit quietly and pay attention and then maybe squeeze in a prayer request at the end. I sit through these every week and I still don’t know anyone.
And I’m tired. Just soooo tired of church. It’s not worth the battle. I think we aren’t forsaking the Body – we are actively looking for those we can fellowship with. But we tend to find them online, or one here and there..
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BIT – yes boredom. It’s so strange… it says in the Word that we all have been given gifts to use in the edification of the Body…and yet most of us never get to use them in a church scenario. I wonder why that is? For instance. I’m a horrendous teacher, have no gifting in that at ALL. And I’m not very good with young children either. (I’m better with teenagers). But I’m stuck “teaching” the 3 year olds and I feel embarrassed over what an awful job I do. (when I get to the point where I want to start yelling and slapping their backsides because a herd of 3 yr old boys won’t listen to a word I say, I take them out to the playground and ignore all the lesson plans. It feels like such a silly waste of time.)
I guess this could be a whole other topic. :) Maybe we all feel out of place, and that’s why we end up online. lol!
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I know what you mean, Katy. I’m in a situation where I have very little opportunity to serve in any meaningful way. Everything that is meaningful to me does not exist in this church and has been driven out of many churches. I am bored out of my mind, if nothing else. (And there is a lot else.) I feel like a fish on a bicycle. Utterly out of place.
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“I have not felt wanted or valued for who I am”
This is huge, and I think it isn’t just a matter of roles. I say that because I was a worship leader for 4 years in my old church, yet I never developed close ties with anyone. There were times I felt like a hired gun, that they didn’t need to know me as long as the music was getting done. I have no doubt they really appreciated my skill as a worship leader (hey told me this a lot), but I wanted t be known and loved as a brother in Christ. I spent four years sitting alone in church, and they were shocked to find out I had marital problems! In the end, I felt very used, even though it was used doing something I absolutely love.
I once heard Rich Mullins say “It is more important to be loved by God than used by God”, and that has always stuck with me. There are tons of people in scripture who God uses but does not love- but to be loved, that is the real thing. And as churches we should love people first, and use them second.
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“It is more important to be loved by God than used by God”
Love. this.
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Thank you Katy, You are so right. The religious institutions are just businesses; it is all about the money (tithes and offerings, government grants and donations), money to pay the pastors their huge salaries and pensions, money to build the large facilities in which to parade one’s wealth all in the name of worship, and money to improve the image that this business has in the community. But what does God say the church should be? The model that the early church provides us is: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” (Acts 2:42). How far from the mark we have come in the past 21 centuries.
What I have learned is that there is no room in the church for singles. Being single it means that I am left on the outside, overlooked, and ultimately rejected, neglected, misused and thus abused. I too am very sick of church. I am glad to have found this online fellowship where we can exchange thoughts, ideas, information and encouragement from the Word of God. Perhaps I have found my “church” in a non-traditional sense. May God bless you all.
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Saved –
singles in the church have to hang out together. I’ve tried to spend time with the married women and it just doesn’t click. We have nothing in common and I feel like they approach me with kid gloves for some reason. I have found a core group of 4 single moms who all came out of abuse – and surprise, they all struggle with attending church on a regular basis because it’s just so incredibly hard. We crash after a week of working, spending the weekend trying to clean and run a million errands, and then somehow drag ourselves to church on Sunday morning so we can be ignored and pay our tithe.
But I spend my weekends working on their houses and helping them in whatever way I can, and in return I have people to talk to, to share struggles, and they encourage me. We can talk about God and pray for each other, and it’s so much better than church. (and I feel a little guilty saying that. trained response. :))
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Katy, what you and your friends are doing ‘is’ Church. You are being Christ to each other.
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I agree with SBG this has been my experience in small and big churches alike, although they do have singles ministeries, it catered to 30 and below, and generally did not accept divorced or single women. Its just the cold hard facts of the matter. The men who were single parents were uplifted, babied in a sense, patted on the back for doing such an awesome job during there “parenting time”…..Mothers were ignored and the underlying tone was “you are a threat” and you
are to blame for “”being single” and the only reason this is true because there are SO MANY abusive men in the church, like somebody said on this blog single Mothers are viewed as “”welfare sucking trash” and it is the case because the church is not a supporter of them, and coming out of an abusive relationship more times than not these women have been horrible financially abused by their spouses during and after marriage, Women AND their children are in most instances excluded from the entire church structure.. Sad but unfortunately very true! I always thought if I lost all my hair, gained 300 pounds, drove up in a Rolls Royce they would be less threatened by my apparent Scarlet Letter, and yes married couples in a church environment veiw a single divorced woman as a threat to the welfare of the family. BUT i gaurantee you there are MANY abusers hanging out in church, using the whole DAD thing after the fact, to pray on their next victoms. I have seen it more times than not, I have been on the recieving end of it, the church is a breeding ground for the abuse mentality. I will never go back to a church, those walls do not define my family, nor do they define my relationship with Christ. The sad state of the church IS why this BLOG exists, so that people like Katy and SBG KNOW they did not deserve or cause the way they were neglected. Its good that some people find support, men and women alike, but those insistances for single divorced women, with children especially, is NOT the norm.
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The church should be the last place people are shamed. That is really what you all are talking about here. Shame. Being made to feel, and coming to feel, that you are worthless and more fouled up than anyone else in the world. I found high school to be an incredibly shaming place and the administration and faculty really fed that shaming. My theory is that many people just never get out of high school. They go through life, and if they were popular in high school, they continue to feed on that popularity. And other people give it to them. Well then, carry that mentality over into the church and what do you have? Jesus living and loving sacrificially for others, hangin’ with the taxgathers, scum and sinners? No way. So lots of churches, because of this worldliness – and believe me, this is far more worldly than smoking a cigarette – end up being shaming places just like high school. As JeffS said, this can play itself out big time in the worship platform every Sunday, in the pulpit, in the women’s ministry group, in the men’s retreat…and on and on it goes. Right down into the youth, training for the next generation.
Soooo, just walk into that atmosphere when you are already struggling with shame for whatever reason, and you can feel the rejection.
Isn’t it amazing that people who were real zeros in the society of Jesus’ day were drawn to Him. He could go in their homes and eat with them. So, even though He is GOD right here in front of them, the same One who terrified the Jews at Mt. Sinai, He came to seek and to save that which was lost. And they could sense it. Oh, and yes, as Paul reminds the Corinthians, there were homosexuals and transvestites and you name it around in those days too.
Down with divorce! Down with homosexuality! They are all destroying our society and bringing God’s wrath! Yes, sin does bring God’s wrath. But right now, Jesus is still seeking and saving that which is lost. And we are supposed to be Him. That doesn’t mean we wink at sin or go off on a “well, who are we to judge” craziness. It doesn’t mean we don’t practice church discipline when a professing Christian walks in unrepentant, scandalous sin. But man! We can’t go around shaming people.
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“it catered to 30 and below, and generally did not accept divorced or single women. Its just the cold hard facts of the matter. The men who were single parents were uplifted, babied in a sense, patted on the back for doing such an awesome job during there “parenting time”…..Mothers were ignored and the underlying tone was “you are a threat” and you
are to blame for “”being single” and the only reason this is true because there are SO MANY abusive men in the church, like somebody said on this blog single Mothers are viewed as “”welfare sucking trash” and it is the case because the church is not a supporter of them, ”
This is true, unfortunately. At least the part about single mothers being viewed as “welfare sucking trash.” I love my church. I am disappointed and hurt by how they dealt with the abuse when I finally had the guts to disclose, but I still love them and want to remain committed to them – though this may end up being impossible after the next few weeks. But one thing I have against them…this right here. We did the Truth Project (Focus on the Family) last year. The claim was made that welfare is not God’s design and that it has allowed women to leave the fathers of their children with impunity, leaving fathers disoriented and aimless. I conjured up all the strength I had (my spirit was yelling at me to speak up) and I plowed right through my fear of “assuming a masculine role” by having the audacity to think my opinion was equally valuable as the men, and I corrected this garbage. I told them this is a perversion, and that women don’t leave men so they could go on welfare (ha! Have they ever been on welfare?!?), but they leave and go on welfare because the men in their lives don’t assume responsibility. It is very difficult for most women to leave their husbands! I then explained that a lack of social assistance to serve as a safety net for the poor and downtrodden would only force people to live in dangerous and destructive relationships or to live on the street. The idea that the church could handle these cases is ludicrous…as I think we all know! Can you imagine it??
“Mrs.Brazeau,
After prayerful consideration, we regret to inform you that we cannot in good conscience support you in your willful disobedience to the Lord. We understand that your husband has asked for your forgiveness, and we feel that as you were forgiven by the Lord, so ought you to forgive him his sins, take responsibility for your contributions to your marital problems and work with your husband towards the restoration of your marriage. We are confident that God is faithful and will bless you as you obey Him by entrusting yourself to Him and graciously restoring your husband to his rightful position as your spiritual leader.”
Pfft.
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Desley – Title for the letter: “Go Back to Egypt.” Glad you stood up to the Focus on the Fam business about welfare. I still maintain that a Christian’s decision to divorce for grounds that they with clear conscience see as biblical, such as abuse, is their decision. The people who wrote that letter obviously believe that it is their right and duty to pronounce judgment, and in fact that they have the authority to insist that you do as they say. I deny this. The individual Christian does not need their church’s permission in this decision. The church’s job is to deal with the sin of the abuser – which of course the guys who wrote this letter have deemed a non-issue because the abuser has cried out “Ollie, Ollie, Oxen-free” by running to the safety pole of “asking for forgiveness.”
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Oh, I am sorry! That letter was just an example of something the church might say to the victim seeking support in the absence of welfare. Mrs.Brazeau, on the other hand, is a real person whose Senator husband was charged a few days ago here in Canada for domestic and sexual assault against his wife.
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That’s ok. It is exactly like letters many abuse victims have received from their churches.
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“The truth will however find them even if they did not listen, even if they STILL wont listen.”
Amen!
“HEY!!! DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? lol”
Absolutely!
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I am so so so sorry that I forgot to put your username on there, Memphis. But I guess that’s over apologizing. Sorry for over apologizing. lol
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This is hilarious! I am loving how much ya’ll are apologizing! LOL!! :)
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Delsey, I feel for you! Ugh!! What an awful letter to get! Want to go smack some snse into the ones who wrote it!
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Well my church and all of its off shoots the MIW drag us to would of never bothered to write the letter their judgement was so clear in person, and final. Im not the same person they abused, my children are not the same children they igored and shunned. I am certian however the the MIW is the same MIW and they are more than welcome to keep him.
I can picture myself sitting there waiting in the lobby, shaking, and anxious, and waiting to be heard or listen too….i feel anger for that girl….I felt like I needed them to understand, if they only understood I would be comforted in my situation, what I was trying to do was defend myself against impossible odds, but I did not see that in the moment. They never came out of their offices, probably climbed out their office windows. The truth will however find them even if they did not listen, even if they STILL wont listen. Breaks my heart and makes me angry at the same time, so many, many different versiions of the same “ME” waitng and thinking they will find comfort, we are like nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
HEY!!! DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? lol
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no it was probably me! I’m sorry that I upset you! I didn’t mean that I had to do something for people in order to make friends, I just meant that I was able to connect with other women (who had similar abuse experiences) better once I got outside the confines of the church environment. Sorry if I didn’t say that right, it’s just my personal experience.
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It could have been both of us, maybe? (I asked Jeff to remove mine. That’s why it’s not there anymore.)
Sorry, Saved By Grace!
We didn’t forget our single friends, though the dynamic did change. I have heard of that happening a lot, though and I can see how I could have come off that way.
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One comment about singles in the chruch. I mentioned this to one of my pastors because they’ve done a great job of integrating me with other married folks and I was very appreciative. I’ve not felt excluded or neglected by the church. His response was pretty insightful- he said that the size of the church (we probably have 200 members, 80 or so in attendance each week) precludes having any kind of a singles ministry. That is, they are forced to be diverse and inclusive because there is no way to shuttle people away into their own group. He said this is why he likes smaller churches and why they have intentional plans not to let this one grow too big. So perhaps there is a lot to be said for small churches in this regard.
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Perhaps that’s why my church doesn’t seem to have that problem. We have approximately 100 people attending service each week,, only 50 of those members. My best friends are single. Hmmm, never actually thought about that before. I love it though. How refreshing it is to spend time doing something for once, or talking about things that don’t have to do with homemaking and children (not that these things are bad). It reminds you that you are much more than just a wife or mommy, you are an individual with your own talents, interests, opinions, etc. Talking about recipes and milestones can get quite boring after awhile.
The funny thing is, it’s the single women in the church (well, two of them) that have been supporting me through everything. You know why? Because they have spent the time with me at my house and have witnessed the abuse firsthand. It’s just too bad nobody believes them either. :(
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It seems that married folk seem to forget what single life is like the moment they get married and thus forget about all the singles they formerly hung out with. And those who have been married for many years forget that singles have needs and struggles too. I would love to get together with a fellow singles and help them out as you suggest. I have attended some local singles groups, but I felt like an outsider. It seems that I am always the one who has to do something to be valued and appreciated. I don’t feel welcome for just showing up. Thank you for your words, but unfortunately they are also a trigger to me. Although your words encourage me they also frustrate me making me feel like I haven’t done enough to be included, that it is all my fault. And thus my insecurities come to the forefront that it I am to blame for everything, so buck up and take charge or be content in the position that you are currently in.
Saved by Grace, but feeling outside of grace
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SBG I know what it feels like to be outside of grace. The truth is if ANBODY is made to feel like an outsider in church then obviously grace does not exist inside those walls. There is no grace, mercy, or compassion in judgement, denial, excluding people due to hardships or gender, and especially no grace applied to re abusing victoms who were abandoned and abused.
Divorce excluded you, your spouse excluded you, your gender excluded you, the word ABUSE excluded you, your church excluded you for all of the above…..NOW if the church rightfully excluded ABUSERS from church, far less people would be suffering, far less people would not be so desperate, and in need of the support they SHOULD be getting.
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In regards to the letter and the part about your contributions- Boloney! Most abused women and men have done EVERYTHING in their power to try and save the marriage for years!!! There is so much ignorance about why people are abusive. You could be a perfect spouse and an abuser would still abuse. Basically it’s code for saying ‘you did something to cause it.’
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I agree Lynette. And the more you submit to the abuser’s demands, the more abusive he (or she) will get.
The letter is fictional – though I did write it based on the things I was hearing from the Christian community, including people in my own church.
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For the last several months I’ve been doing church this way: I go to a traditional-style church where I don’t know anyone and where I’m pretty sure that almost no-one in the pews is regenerate. I sit in the back, and only stay for the first three hymns (nice traditional hymns with good theological meat in them) and I leave before the sermon starts.
Because the people don’t know me, I feel that I’m not being too offensive to anyone by leaving at that stage.
I listen to Jeff Crippen’s sermons or read them in PDF. So I’m not missing out on preaching. And I don’t have to deal with the boredom and time-wasting of sitting through a sermon that irritates and frustrates me because it is all y’ought’a ( = you ought to), and is shonky or shallow theologically. And I don’t mask up and play the game of being friends with people that I just know I cannot have any real connection with because all the relationship will ever be is their mask talking to my mask.
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all the relationship will ever be is their mask talking to my mask.
hello, yup
and unfortunately, the most theologically “learned” people I know in real life are women. The elders and deacons in the church were selected because they were breathing and they were male. But if I want to know some deep truth about a particular passage of scripture, I don’t bother asking them. Our pastor is good but he’s not available when I have a crisis. lol I will say that listening to JeffC’s sermons and reading this blog has been so refreshing, in so many ways, that I wish I lived in Oregon so I could go to his church. :)
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I wish that, too, Katy.
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