Top-notch article by Neil Schori posted on Morven’s Blog. Great stuff!
Neil Schori has written a great article about enabling those that we love. We are literally loving them to death, as we make excuses for dysfunctional and very hurtful behaviors. I know that Neil would love for you to pass this on:
QUIT loving them to death!
I’ve counseled people for over 10 years for just about every kind of problem under the sun. I’ve helped people with broken marriages, eating disorders, cutting, and just about every kind of addiction there is today. There is one problem that makes me more upset than just about any other. And it isn’t even the issue that is presented to me to “fix.” It is the issue BEHIND the issue. It is enabling.
Enabling can be done in a marriage when the unfaithful spouse has excuses made for him by the very wife that he betrayed. Usually it sounds…
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Great article.
“Actions speak louder than words” is something that we need to impress upon our children as they encounter all types of manipulative and abusive people in their lives. Unfortunately, those of us who have been in the evangelical church for a long time are taught that words are everything – from saying the sinner’s prayer to confessing to one another.
I also think we need to be careful about simply saying, “Stop enabling!”. There is a reason for the enabling. Until we get to the root of our beliefs and behaviors, we won’t be able to stop them just from mantras. All my Christian life I have been told that the right thing to do is to enable. When I first asked my pastor’s wife whether I was enabling my ex’s abusive behavior, she said “No”. Looking back, I can see why she said that – the whole church was and still is enabling his behavior. They were my mentors so obviously I took my cue from them. If someone outside my circle had given me this article, I would have dismissed it because it ran counter to what my church friends and leaders were telling me. The only way I could have pushed aside what they were saying was to leave. Sounds familiar?
I’m not saying this to criticize my former church, as it was very supportive in many ways. However, we need to understand why the enabling occurs, pretty much the same way we need to understand why someone cuts themselves – it’s no good just saying, “Stop doing that!”. We need to dismantle the reasons, and if one of the reasons is connected to Stockholm Syndrome, then we need to give support for an escape, as Stockholm Syndrome only occurs when one’s survival is at stake and there is no escape. The minute I was able to escape with my life intact and find a way forward, I didn’t need to enable anymore. Before that, I HAD to enable – my leaders said I did, and if I didn’t, not only was there no support, my life would have been endangered. There simply was no choice. .
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An excellent article but also an excellent “comment” from Anonymous (aug 2-2012). I never wanted to accept the fact that I was “enabling” my spouse or others. Reading about the Stockholm Syndrome has definitely opened my eyes and shed some light “into this darkness”, however, Anonymous stated it very well, “…we need to give support for an escape, as Stockholm Syndrome only occurs when one’s survival is at stake and there is no escape…. I HAD to enable – my leaders said I did, and if I didn’t, not only was there no support,… There simply was no choice.”
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Please let me know if there is any way that I may be of further assistance to you. Email me:
neilschori@gmail.com
Peace,
Neil
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