How Many Times Should Abuse Be Tolerated?
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
[October 11, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
I may be mistaken — watch it yourself and see — but in the excellent “When Love Hurts” DVD series by Radio Bible Class that we commended in another blog post, it seems to me that the host made a statement about not tolerating physical abuse more than one time. As I said, check me on that if you watch the series, which I hope you do. Whether that statement was made or not, it poses a good question.
Let’s limit a hypothetical example to physical abuse. Slapping across the face, knocking the victim down, that kind of thing. I may be wrong here in not considering all kinds of abuse — which are equally evil — but I am just trying to clarify our illustration. Here is the question then: How many times should a woman (for example) forgive her husband for slapping her across the face? By “forgive,” I mean, he says he is sorry and she says “ok”, and she stays with him….end of story.
I have a suspicion that the idea of “letting bygones be bygones once” is not going to sit very well with many of you. I mean, what does it say when a husband, let’s say one month into the marriage, slaps his wife in the face? Immediately questions about the context start to arise, right? What was she doing? What was he doing? Was it a mutual argument? Was she verbally abusing him and he just lost it? Could be. But as we know, slapping someone in the face just isn’t justified (well, unless like in the movies someone is losing their mind and endangering the whole mission to save the world so you slap them back into their senses and they say “thank you”). Let’s say it is a slap delivered as a true abusive power-control punishment to instill fear. How many times should the victim let that happen before taking action?
Some people say once. I have heard other victims, in hindsight, say: “The first time it happens, get out of there. It will only get worse.”
What do you think?
Joe gives encouragement:
Hindsight’s 20 / 20, isn’t it? It is so easy to look back and say, “I should have seen….I should have known….I should have handled things differently….”
I look back, now, and see so many warning signs that I “should have” heeded. So many things that I would not, now, tolerate….
And yet, I can honestly say I was doing the best I knew at the time, based on what I knew and my level of understanding and maturity.
And so, I have grace for that young man who truly loved unconditionally….who truly gave his full heart in living out his marriage vows….who made 1 Corinthians 13 his constant companion through a myriad of difficulties….
Would I counsel someone else to do the same? No, I would not. I would try to help them see the inevitability of unnecessary pain in that path.
Would I change anything I did, if I could? No, I would not; for it was through this path that my Father walked beside me, drew me closer to Himself, and taught me a deeper understanding of His love!
You are all heroes, as far as I’m concerned! Well done!
Ida Mae gives this answer:
The estranged only hit me once. About two years into the marriage, he backhanded me across the face during an argument. As my ears rang, he apologized profusely, and said “you know I’d never hurt you, right?” Then proceeded to inform me not to cross him because “if I pushed him, he wouldn’t be accountable for his actions” and “once he started, he would not stop”.
I should have walked out the door. I did not and I never told anyone. Now he says it never happened.
He never hit me like that again but he pushed me into corners and refused to let me out, pinned me against the kitchen counter while he groped me, pushed me backwards across the room while calling me his servant or his concubine. He climbed on me when I tried to nap and held me down beneath the covers until I screamed all “in fun” and refusing to stop while I pleaded. He grabbed my leg above the knee and called it “the horse eating the apple” — when he didn’t like something I said. He poked me with one finger in the side, over and over until I bruised. And I’m just getting started.
We lived under the threat of violence at all times, every day. He said we had “no right” to be afraid of him.
I see that first backhand now as a cold, calculated maneuver to put me in my place and instill fear. Once is too much.
And Now Free After 42 Years says:
I still amaze myself when I think of how, 2 years into my 42 year marriage, my husband slapped and beat me in the face, hitting me so hard and leaving so many swellings and bruises that I didn’t leave the house for almost 2 weeks. I didn’t want anyone to know. It was decades before I told anyone about this abuse, and it was in confidence, to a counsellor. This is going to be hard to read further so please be warned.
We were arguing about his lack of affection towards me. I said he was a cold fish. I don’t remember much about what happened next, the actual beating. It was 40 years ago and my mind must have blocked out a lot of the painful details. I do remember crying myself to sleep. Next morning when I looked into the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself….my face was so bruised and swollen. Nothing was said….life went on as usual. It was like it never happened. He never beat me again, but the verbal and emotional abuse continued.
All this from a man I thought truly loved me, as I did him. I truly loved this man. I blocked this abuse for a very long time. Well it’s hard for me to continue so will leave it at that for now. If anyone does have any questions though I will try to answer. I want to be able to help people in any way possible, and what it can do to the heart and soul of a wife and mother.
P.S. from Now Free After 42 Years:
What I meant to convey in my first paragraph was how did I ever let him get away with the physical abuse and pretend it never happened. I would never stand for anything like it now. I think it was my desire to keep things as normal as possible. I believe a woman should leave after the first attack.
Sometimes I feel really angry at him. Myself too, for letting it happen. There’s less anger now….God is helping me let it go. There’s better use for that energy now. I want to help others.
About 15 years after the beating, to try and ease the anxiety, I started taking a tranquilizer (Lorazepam). I took it for 25+ years, and decided to wean myself off September 2010. It took me 11 months, but with God’s help, I was drug-free. Instead of being proud of me, he angrily said, “YOU CHANGED AND I DON’T LIKE IT!!!”
In October 2011, I was free of him. THANK GOD.
Lisa gives this advice:
My husband attacked me for the first time one month into the marriage.
I believe the first time is a test as well as a statement. He wants to know just exactly what he can do and get away with, how the victim will respond, how “well” she’ll take it. It also sets a precedent for the relationship. It draws a line in the sand and let’s her know who the boss is going to be. Yes, a woman should run the very first time.
Also, important to note, the legal system is set up so that staying brings everything into question….I’ve been asked, “If it was really that bad, why didn’t you leave earlier?” And, I’ve been told that past abuse doesn’t count, only current abuse. So, if he beats you for, say, ten years and then stops but remains so emotionally and verbally abusive that you finally seek help, you won’t find justice in the courts.
Get out while that first iron is hot!!!
My counselor told me in no uncertain terms that physical violence was not a reason to leave. He said there was no option, but to stay and work it out. He claimed to have helped a couple — where the husband used to beat the wife — go from the brink of divorce to turning their marriage around. He also insisted we go in for joint counselling, and eventually I stopped going. I think he continued to counsel my ex for a while, and probably gave him a lot of information or advice that he twisted and used against me.
Some of my friends also cornered me to tell me that it was wrong to leave for physical abuse. They cited their own experience of having been beaten and yet having God’s strength to remain faithful to their vows, or someone else they knew.
So, yes, indeed, Now Free After 42 Years, give yourself compassion as you were doing the best you could. Many are still being told the same thing right now, so why would they do anything different? We were condemned for leaving, we should not accept any condemnation for not having left sooner. I mean, get real, that’s ridiculous — either way, we get condemned!
And still another Anonymous says:
I know now that my situation was strongly affected by one incident in about the 7th year of our marriage. Until that time I was aware that my husband used verbal and emotional bullying tactics sometimes and never apologized, but I made excuses because he had grown up in a home where there was a lot of religious hypocrisy. I had grown up around hypocrisy as well, but I thought we were both committed to learning and growing as believers, so I accepted his selfish behavior as just part of the growing process.
One day his discipline of our two small children went too far, and in his anger he injured them. He left the scene immediately and I took care of them. I was sure it was an accident, but I struggled with what to do about it. He would not talk about it or apologize.
Aside from this one incident he never physically hurt them again. But I knew he could not control his anger and it could happen again. I felt responsible to see that he never lost his temper like that again. Whenever I tried to talk with him about our disagreements and how we handled them, it just resulted in the verbal and emotional abuse escalating. I never could call it “abuse”, because he never hit me. There were times that I wished he would hit me so that I could then get help. I thought I was “protecting” our children because most of the abuse was directed at me, but I now know it hurt them terribly. It was because of them that I finally separated from him.
I did not think I had the strength or self-confidence to be able to leave, but a mother will find the strength when she needs to protect her children. The Lord showed me that I was “protecting” them in the wrong way. He provided for every step, when I did not think I could, because my church leaders refused to get involved.
[October 11, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to October 11, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to October 11, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to October 11, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (October 11, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]