I’m ready to pay an attorney to begin divorce proceedings against my emotionally abusive/alcoholic husband, however, it’s a struggle. My family is not going to support me based on their Christian beliefs, but I have 2 friends that do. I originally felt leaving was the right thing to do to allow God to humble my husband, in a sense tough love. There was compassion there. Now I feel anger. It seems righteous to leave in order to allow God to work in my husband, but since ul when I want to leave due to anger. I can’t separate myself from my anger anymore if I’m going to take this step. I feel so sinful that I haven’t been perfect. I’m trying to remind myself that he doesn’t attend church or willingly confess anything, but I do. It seems selfish to create such a comparison.
What I learned through the Holy Spirit — We are to Obey God first and then the husband, not the other way around. He must be treating you with the utmost respect like God commands. The husband is not obeying God when he does not treat you like he would want to be treated (the double-standard is evil). He has authority only when is in submission to God (obeying God).
I did not know this and suffered terribly for 3 decades. God does not desire for us to be mistreated, in fact, he is against it and warns us not to be unequally yoked….a true believer obeys the word of God and is gentle and loving to his wife (actions not just words). He does not oppress his wife, God’s word says a lot about those who would oppress others (and it’s not good) for their own advantage.
By staying in the marriage I have one dead son and the other is a carbon copy of his father who just married a young naïve girl who doesn’t know me and already has no interest in meeting me. (After hearing what my husband told me about his own mother, I had no interest in meeting her either, I hated her because when I was young I believed the lies he told me about her.) I now know he didn’t want anyone to help me.
I am witnessing my son do the same thing his father did to me and because I didn’t realize how staying would affect my children. Be strong and pray, God wants what is good and healthy, he says to forsake evil. Don’t listen or trust those who would twist scripture in a way to suit them. … I stayed because I listened to people who claimed to know God and His will but lied…. you do not need a middleman … Didn’t mean to preach but what I say is the truth. Peace be with you and yours.
Hi Sandra, welcome to the blog 🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I find it amazing to read and hear testimonies of others that are so similar to other families, it is true that there is nothing unique: I see that the behavior patterns are repeated over and over.
For more than two decades, I’ve been stuck in a terrible marriage. My husband abused my child and I, both verbally/emotionally and physically. Because he never committed adultery, I thought I had to stay. My now adult child has such severe personality problems because of this. I am still married to him. I am still so conflicted because; A- I put her through all that by staying. If I leave now that the grownup child has moved out, it will be like it was wasted.
The many arguments that redefine the previously understood scriptures to mean leaving is ok, they just seem like such a stretch. How can we REALLY KNOW?
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion
Can Abusers Change?
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
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Triggers Are Not a Sign of Unforgiveness
Triggering has to do with those emotions hidden away, along with memories, all stuffed by trauma in various secret compartments of the brain. Unforgiveness on the other hand is not so much emotion as it is the seeking of vengeance upon someone, rather than leaving it to God. The two are really quite different. You can have forgiven someone, but still get triggered.
I’m ready to pay an attorney to begin divorce proceedings against my emotionally abusive/alcoholic husband, however, it’s a struggle. My family is not going to support me based on their Christian beliefs, but I have 2 friends that do. I originally felt leaving was the right thing to do to allow God to humble my husband, in a sense tough love. There was compassion there. Now I feel anger. It seems righteous to leave in order to allow God to work in my husband, but since ul when I want to leave due to anger. I can’t separate myself from my anger anymore if I’m going to take this step. I feel so sinful that I haven’t been perfect. I’m trying to remind myself that he doesn’t attend church or willingly confess anything, but I do. It seems selfish to create such a comparison.
What I learned through the Holy Spirit — We are to Obey God first and then the husband, not the other way around. He must be treating you with the utmost respect like God commands. The husband is not obeying God when he does not treat you like he would want to be treated (the double-standard is evil). He has authority only when is in submission to God (obeying God).
I did not know this and suffered terribly for 3 decades. God does not desire for us to be mistreated, in fact, he is against it and warns us not to be unequally yoked….a true believer obeys the word of God and is gentle and loving to his wife (actions not just words). He does not oppress his wife, God’s word says a lot about those who would oppress others (and it’s not good) for their own advantage.
By staying in the marriage I have one dead son and the other is a carbon copy of his father who just married a young naïve girl who doesn’t know me and already has no interest in meeting me. (After hearing what my husband told me about his own mother, I had no interest in meeting her either, I hated her because when I was young I believed the lies he told me about her.) I now know he didn’t want anyone to help me.
I am witnessing my son do the same thing his father did to me and because I didn’t realize how staying would affect my children. Be strong and pray, God wants what is good and healthy, he says to forsake evil. Don’t listen or trust those who would twist scripture in a way to suit them. … I stayed because I listened to people who claimed to know God and His will but lied…. you do not need a middleman … Didn’t mean to preach but what I say is the truth. Peace be with you and yours.
Hi Sandra, welcome to the blog 🙂
We always like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
I find it amazing to read and hear testimonies of others that are so similar to other families, it is true that there is nothing unique: I see that the behavior patterns are repeated over and over.
For more than two decades, I’ve been stuck in a terrible marriage. My husband abused my child and I, both verbally/emotionally and physically. Because he never committed adultery, I thought I had to stay. My now adult child has such severe personality problems because of this. I am still married to him. I am still so conflicted because; A- I put her through all that by staying. If I leave now that the grownup child has moved out, it will be like it was wasted.
The many arguments that redefine the previously understood scriptures to mean leaving is ok, they just seem like such a stretch. How can we REALLY KNOW?
Welcome to the ACFJ blog, dear sister. 🙂
You are asking a good question. To help you find the answer, I suggest you click this link: What About Divorce?
For your safety, I changed your screen name to ‘Seeking’ because it looked like you had given a screen name that resembles your email address.
We always encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
And after reading the New Users’ Info page, I suggest you look at ourFAQ page.
Again, welcome to the blog.