These non-negotiables are my criteria by which I evaluate books, speakers, advocates, ministries, organizations, etc. If such entities do not adhere to these non-negotiables, I will not recommend them to my readers. Occasionally I partially recommend a book, speaker, organisation, etc., and give a caveat.
For those ministering in abuse situations, please read this list carefully. If you find that you do not concur with all points in this list, I encourage you to prayerfully re-evaluate your beliefs and your practice.
1) A clear definition of abuse and of the nature of the abuser is vital for proper ministry to abuse victims.
My definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control. (Occasionally the perpetrator is female. For stories from male survivors of domestic abuse, go here.)
Key phrases:
-
- mentality of entitlement
- pattern of coercive control
- power and control
The pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just the person’s bodily integrity which is violated (and some abusers never lay a finger on their victims), but also their human rights.
Traditionally, domestic violence (domestic abuse) has been understood to be an incident or series of incidents of physical violence perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner. Sometimes it is understood to be a fight or a conflict between partners. These are grave misconceptions. Learn more here: What is coercive control?
Definition of a domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one(s) he chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he or she is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
2) Christians should encourage and support a victim of domestic abuse to make her own decisions as to when and how to set boundaries against the abuser and distance herself from him emotionally, physically and legally. True Christians ought to help (but never pressure) victims of abuse to get free from the abuser’s oppression to the greatest extent possible, recognizing that leaving an abuser is not a simple or easy step for many abuse victims, and that society and the church often compound the difficulties victims face. Christians should also be aware that some victims choose to stay with the abuser. For example, an abused wife might stay in the marriage to be a buffer between the children and the abuser, because she knows that he is likely to severely harm the children if he has unsupervised access to the kids, and she knows that the Family Court often doesn’t protect kids from abusive fathers.
3) Divorce for abuse is not only permitted by God, but blessed by Him. Learn more here: What does the Bible say about divorce? The institution of marriage must not be prioritized over the safety of the individuals within it. This means emotional safety, not just physical safety!
4) Any counselling of the abuser must begin with the threatening of the Law of God, not with the promises of the Gospel, and it must remain Law as long as the abuser remains unrepentant.
5) The abuser is to be dealt with as an unbeliever, not as a Christian. If he has been passing himself off as a believer, the church ought to discipline him as per 1 Corinthians 5:11-13. Learn more here: Church Discipline.
6) It is a myth that the abusive man does not know he is hurting and harming his targets. He knows he is doing wrong. That’s why he conceals his abusive tactics and attitudes from the vast majority of the public.
7) Therefore, the abuser cannot be “educated” into a becoming a non-abuser. The only means by which an abuser can become a non-abuser is through the thundering of God hammering on his conscience — and renouncing his habitual life of lies. This is not just a verbal change, it is a heart-change, a mind-change, and a deep-in-the-belly change. Pastors and counselors can confront an abusive husband (after the wife has given her informed consent to such a confrontation, and is not at risk of the abuser’s retaliation). But pastors and counsellors cannot change the heart of an abusive man. Only God can soften and regenerate the stony heart, and most abusive men are well-practised at resisting God’s pricks on their conscience. They have been suppressing the truth in unrighteousness and are searing or (more likely) have fully seared their conscience.
8) I hold to an informed pessimism regarding the potential for an abuser to change into a non-abuser, recognizing that abusers typically feign repentance and live a lie. Genuine heart-change in an abuser is very rare, and therefore we must take great care to not give victims a false hope that their abuser is going to change for the better.
9) While all human beings are born into this world in a fallen condition as sinners, not all humans are abusers. This means that statements such as “we are all sinners, same as the abuser” are unscriptural, false, and lay unjust burdens on abuse victims by what I call sin-levelling. Sin-levelling is done by falsely attributing blame to the victim, misjudging the victim’s resistance to the abuse as “sin that needs to be reprimanded”, unjustly magnifying the victim’s guilt, and minimizing the evil of the abuser and his guilt. The abuse victim is not to be blamed in any way for the abuse suffered. Learn more here: Sin-levelling.
10) Couple counselling must be ruled out for an abuse scenario. Any mention of counselling which could be interpreted by the hearers as endorsing couple counselling, marital counselling, or “marital intensives” is dangerous because it tends to mutualize the blame: it conveys that “the couple” or “the marriage” is the problem, rather than the abuser being the problem. Learn more here: Couple Counselling.
11) The many ways the victim has responded to and resisted the abuse need to be elucidated and honored. The victim must not be pathologised for the ways she has responded to the abuse. Depicting the victim’s responses as “her pathology” dishonors her, and it does not acknowledge all the creative and brilliant ways she has been resisting the abuse. Nor does it rightly ascribe blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator’s deliberate intent to cause harm.
12) Victim-blaming is wrong. There are many ways in which victims are blamed. There are many victim-blaming concepts and terms which are commonly used by counselors, “abuse ministries”, “advocates for the abused”, and the general public. Learn more here: Stockholm Syndrome, codependency and other labels used to pathologize, blame and discredit victims.
13) Biblical forgiveness does not require reconciliation of relationship with the offender. Reconciliation of relationship with those who abused us is not required by God, and it usually ends up being unsafe for the victim. Scripture instructs believers not to take personal vengeance on those who abused them. But seeking justice is not the same thing as taking vengeance! Scripture endorses the seeking of justice, and the deliverance of proper worldly consequences to those who have perpetrated abuse. Perpetrators who evade or escape worldly justice, and maintain their stiff necks and hard hearts, will face God’s Justice on the Day of Judgement.
14) As the church strives to help and protect the victim, we must ensure the victim’s right to Christian liberty of conscience, and resist the temptation to dictate and enforce church decisions upon the victim. For example, I maintain that the decision to separate from and divorce an abuser is a matter of conscience for the victim and does not come within the jurisdiction of the church to dictate. Church leaders can offer counsel, but they must not order or command a victim what she should do. They must not penalise her if she decides to divorce the abuser against their counsel. (The SBC [Southern Baptist Convention] is infamous for mistreating victims of abuse, but even the SBC’s ChurchCares curriculum (!) said Leave the choice to divorce to the victim.)
15) The artificial divide between clergy and laity, and its hot-house flower of “celebrity pastors”, is perpetuating abuse. Church leaders, advocates, counselors, coaches, and content creators would be wise to reflect on whether they are operating from The Colonial Code of Relationship.
16) Complementarianism as it’s currently understood leads to abuse. Those who claim that complementarianism is good for women are doing a lousy job of protecting women from abuse, so they are morally bankrupt.
17) The Bible’s teaching about men and women does not endorse abuse or oppression, or slavish submission by women to men. The patriocentrism of the Old Testament, and the New Testament passages which describe the biblical responsibilities given to husbands / men and wives / women, do not endorse the idea that simply because she is female, a woman’s opinions and preferences are of less worth than a man’s. The idea that your opinions and preferences don’t count simply because you are a woman (or are darker skinned) is an abuser-enabling idea. Men who treat women as “less than” are not in line with Christ. The qualifications for church leaders are more to do with their character and behaviour, than their educational qualifications. Articles and posts on the New Testament passages which describe the biblical responsibilities given to husbands / men, and wives / women: Ephesians 5 here, here and here; 1 Corinthians 7:3-4; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:8-15 here1 and here1; 1 Timothy 3; 2 Timothy 3; Titus 1-21; 1 Peter 2-3 here, here and here1.
18) With the “women must be silent” passage, there is a strong possibility that 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 is not inspired Scripture, but was added as a marginal note by a scribal copyist, and later that marginal note was imported into the text — see Philip Payne, Man and Woman, One in Christ: An Exegetical and Theological Study of Paul’s Letters [Affiliate link] (Zondervan Academic, 2009).
19) Egalitarianism as currently practiced has not prevented men from abusing women, or husbands abusing their wives. But some egalitarians are laying good theological foundations that can help reduce the incidence of abuse. For example, the brilliant essay by Marissa Franks Burt that in my view irrefutably proves that women can be church Elders: Lost in Translation: Female Elders in Titus 1-21.
20) It is simplistic and naive to think that abuse can be prevented or reduced simply by adopting egalitarianism. Advocates who see the problem of abuse simply and only through the lens of gender are missing important pieces of the picture. Women can be abusers; women can abuse their husbands, and their children. Women can abuse church congregants and church leaders. However, those who maintain that men suffer similar rates of abuse as women, are just plain wrong.
21) The ideology of the LGBTQI movement is not in accord with Scripture. We can care for and respect the individuality of people who are living out those lifestyles, without endorsing or showing approval of their sinful practices.
22) All pornography, and all consumption of pornography, is sinful. There are no exceptions. When a husband uses pornography he is betraying his wife, and he is objectifying human beings made in the image of God. Pornography is a form of idolatry. Sobriety from porn addiction means a) not viewing porn, and b) not seeking experiences to stimulate sexual arousal outside of a committed partner relationship.
23) One day, this may not be a “non-negotiable” but at present it is. The visible church at large must be indicted for the way it has been enabling abusers. Those doing abuse ministry need to call the church to explicit reforms, and to indict those who have been enabling abusers. This needs to be done with a spirit of outrage such as Jesus Christ, the Prophets and the Apostles demonstrated when confronting injustice and false teachers. Anything less is a failure of justice and truth.
24) It is right and proper to expose, by name, influential leaders and so-called “advocates” who have been swindling people by disseminating false teachings which enable predators and pathologise or blame victims. It is also right to expose influential leaders who know better but fail to take a stand publicly against those false teachings. This exposure can be done when the influential leaders have their false teachings in the public domain, and / or when credible whistleblowers come forward telling their stories of being abused and harmed by these false teachers. Credible evidence from survivors and whistleblowers is often and ideally corroborated by other witnesses. Witnesses can include: other people who have observed things that the leader did, or things the victim said or did in resistance and response to the abuse; financial, audio, visual, and digital records; diary entries, etc.
1 If these links are broken, a new Internet Archive copy was made August 31, 2025. If you’d like to look them up in the Internet Archive, click here.
***
This page was originally written by Barbara Roberts and Jeff Crippen. Barbara Roberts did a major update of it in March, 2025. In August, 2025, Barbara updated it again. Some of the comments at this page have been edited or removed by Barbara Roberts, to erase things that were applicable when Jeff and Barb co-led this blog, but are no longer applicable.
I didn’t do nuthin!
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I would like to hear some explanation of the responsibility to God as to the wedding vow. Mainly because it is not just a vow to each other but a vow to God. I know the answers but would like to hear your discussion. Thank you…
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Nathan, I suggest you read my book, as it has a whole chapter on Numbers 30 and how it can be applied to the wife’s wedding vow in cases of domestic abuse.
Also, I suggest you look at our posts tagged marriage vows.
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I’m lost, tired, alone and hopeless….
Tried two different churches?? Pastor at first seemed willing to be my Christ brother and reach out to my abusive husband to help him and our marriage. The abuse started the week we married??? When I’d run away and sleep in my car to get away from the relentless brow-beating and eggshells I lived in, I’d call my pastor! I wanted to be transparent and accountable, like God’s word says! He seemed to love us and I loved him and his pastor wife. I loved this church and was so willing to give anything to love and serve my God in this facility to the best I could….
As I was sharing often with both Senior Pastor and his wife, predominantly him, because his wife worked, I spoke via phone to him. I told pastor the truth of what was happening, the two seemed willing to help? His wife even has experience in restoring relationships.
Something went wrong? As I shared with my Senior Pastor the extremities of abuses I just couldn’t take, while I was freezing in my van many nights, and why I left and how desperately I needed his help….He seemed at first, very willing to hear and help….He even made comments of support for help and involvement like, me and my wife are here….Just give me more time to get to know and build relationship with my brother, That’s just wrong!, I’m here for you, you’re not alone, perhaps it’s time for me to get in my brothers face!
Then he has turned against me? 😢
[Eds. note: Comment edited for identity safety.]
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Dear Feeling Hopeless, first of all, welcome to the blog and thank you so much for sharing. 😊
It certainly does sound like “something went wrong” — but it was not you that made it go wrong. I can make a guess, from what you wrote above, that the pastor went wrong. This is what makes me think that:
See how he assumed that your abuser is a brother in Christ? That is a presumption, a dangerous presumption. It opens the gate wide to the abuser spinning his lies (his twisted version of what is happening in the marriage) to the pastor. And it would seem that the pastor may have naively succumbed to these lies.
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An abuser cannot be educated into a non-abuser. I totally agree. A healthy person wants to improve themselves. Sadly some people have no intention to improve themselves. I just walked by 2 Elders from the largest church here, they live close by. He is a lawyer knowing that abuse is unacceptable, she a psychiatric nurse. Both accepted the abusive situation in my marriage, wanted to nurse it and keep in installed, feed it and water it. Also these Christians were very happy to help my daughter back into an unhealthy abusive situation. It took me years to see the facts that there are people who abuse and have no intention of stopping. I am very glad not to have these people as friends anymore. Luckily the majority of other Christian friends helped me divorce. For which I am very happy. I hope this is of some help.
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Absolutely wonderful to read. I wish I had this to read and be encouraged by ten years ago, but through leaving a “Pharaoh”-type husband, I agree with all you have written above. I sure did not ever have a problem divorcing, as I was almost proud of myself for standing up for what is right, and leaving. A few years before leaving, it was almost a revelation to me that I could say no. Crazy.
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Wish I could use number 10 on myself. To somehow heal the guilt I feel for reacting the way I do.
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Hello All, I saw something pop up. Thought I’d leave a note. Of course you have all read about Jezebel in the Bible, read also the story of Nehemiah and Sanballat. Read also how Jehu spoke to or rather not spoke to his adversary. The same for Nehemiah. Wise teachings that us Christians get to use.
This year I was able to help two ladies. One from a church who endorsed the abuser. I now saw it full in the face how a church helped an abuser. Not my church, thank you. This lady had already recognised the domestic abuse and was decided to not put up with it. She was feeling lonesome, was recognised in a house group and helped, it’s a joy to help her. It was his second marriage, his parents covered up his bad background. A second a lady in a bad court case. She came to be prepared and advised, she came out of the case heavily in her favour. It is nice to help others and it helps me too. I wished I knew all I know now then; I would have ended my bad marriage sooner.
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I’m sorry what does number 14 means? I can’t think clearly right now but I’d like to know. Thanks for the help.
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14) says —
The visible church is composed of the people who attend church and say they are Christians. Not all people in the visible church are in fact Christians. Some are wicked deceivers who are passing themselves off as Christians because they figure it will help them achieve their wicked lustful power-hungry agendas. Some are people who think they have been born-again and are not intentionally malicious with evil agendas but they have not actually been born-again: they only know the propositions of the faith, they have not been regenerated (born-again) so they are not in Christ and Christ is not in them.
In our observation, the visible church sometimes “says” it takes a righteous stand against domestic abuse, but in fact the stand it takes is wishy-washy. It fails to show outrage. It fails to FULLY stand with the victims. It fails to properly discipline the abusers. Those in the visible church who say they are taking a stand against domestic abuse are not credible to us (and we do not consider them our allies) unless they take the same kind of position we do — calling for the church to explicitly and profoundly REFORM the way it understands and deals with abuse.
I hope that makes it more clear. I can be too wordy, I know.
The visible church is not the same as the invisible church. The invisible church consists of all the believers of all time who have been born again — regenerated. (John 3). The terms came from Augustine of Hippo, I think. One of the early church fathers.
Sometimes when I sit in a church service I wonder whether I am the only member of the invisible church who is present there!
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[Sorry for the typo! I wrote “visible” in that last sentence but have now corrected it to INvisible.]
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How do I know if I’m “born-again”. What if I think I am but am not?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on 14. Also what did you mean by one day 14 may not be a “non-negotiable”?
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Fisher’s Catechism gives pretty a good definition of saving faith.1 (That link takes you to Question 86 of Fisher’s Catechism.) [The link to Fisher’s Catechism is broken, and no replacement could be found. Editors.]
I suggest you click on the link I gave and read the whole thing. Bear in mind that Fisher’s Catechism was written in the 1600s as an amplification of the Westminster Confession documents, and the way they wrote English is a little different from how we do today. But Scripture references are given to back up each point, so you can look them up to check what the Catechism says to see if it accords with the Bible. Happy studying!
1 [August 31, 2025. Question 86 and its answer can also be found in the Westminster Shorter Catechism. For an Internet Archive copy of the Westminster Shorter Catechism, click here [Internet Archive link]. Editors.]
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Also, I suggest you read Are You Regenerate? by J. C. Ryle [Internet Archive link]. It is easy to read and digest.
In the third section of his article, Ryle discusses the MARKS of being Regenerate, or born again.
I shall quote that section in full:
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IF the institutional (visible) church sets about intentionally and intelligently reforming how it responds to victims of domestic abuse, so that victims are no longer disbelieved, discounted, blamed, falsely accused, shunned etc, but rather, are fully supported and the abusers cast out, then 14 will no longer be “non-negotiable” — because it will be more or less redundant.
Does that explain what I meant? If not, keep asking me till I’ve explained it to your satisfaction. 😊
love
Barb
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Thank you, Barb, for each response. This was through a very thick patch of fog. Yes, I understand your answers. Thank you for your patience and care with me.
I’m very outraged as you can hear from my voice on here. I resist abuse to survive. I’m beaten down at times and have become very poor and at times I’m very scared since I left the abuser.
I don’t love anybody more than doing what is right by God. And those who do evil I hate and I run from. I’m very cautious and realistic and decisive now. I love doing what is right and good and I fight anything that tries to prevent it pervert that.
I find comfort in the truth and I love knowing that I don’t ever have to excuse sin and abuse again because of “grace” like the church teaches. They even commanded me to show grace and just pray and wait on the The Lord. Those people heard my desperate cry and they literally laughed. I was crushed and in tears as they chastised me for my anger and hurt. They ignored my begging for help to call evil evil. I fought hard to tell them the truth and they turned away in disgust and loved themselves and the abuser more than the truth.
Happy studying indeed. Thank you.
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What do you do when all churches try to keep the marriage at all cost?
My husband is a porn addict for 30 years and 22 of those years he has been married to me. He has lied to me and deceived me our whole marriage. He has emotionally abused me and our 4 children. He is now claiming I am a terrible person who he cannot stand because I am demanding change or divorce. He is the complete victim in this whole thing. All Christian counseling says to stay together and preserve the marriage. My non-Christian counselor says to leave him because I should not allow anyone to treat me like he has. I am concerned that divorce will be viewed as sin by God. I really do not know what to do. My husband claims to have stopped viewing porn so he says he is recovered, but his abusive behaviors still continue. Do you know of any counsellors that support your viewpoint?
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Welcome to the blog, What to do,
You asked:
It is far too common that churches elevate the status of marriage above the persons. What they are essentially doing is making an idol out of marriage, and yes, they do want you to keep it (marriage) at all costs. Sadly, that cost includes the victim’s sanity and safety. Unfortunately, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to educate the vast majority of church leaders and Christian counsellors about the true nature of abuse, the abuser’s mentality and tactics, and the biblical response to abuse. But that doesn’t mean you can’t educate yourself. Might I suggest that you continue reading here on the blog. You can also search the blog by using the search bar on the right side and look through the TAGS found on top menu bar.
To give you a place to start I have suggested some posts below based on your comment. We encourage you to keep reading, learning, and commenting here.
Again, Welcome!!
The idolatry of marriage the church is putting marriage on a pedestal
Is there biblical grounds for divorcing an abuser? – Eternity magazine
Divorce is Sin…Says Who! – Guest Article by Joe Pote
The Bible DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse
God hates divorce? Not always.
Stop Saying “God Hates Divorce”
An Ugly Topic: Pornography as a Fuel for Abuse
Signs Your husband May Be Addicted to Pornography – By Wendell
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So many people I’ve found here — the leaders in the church, the police, the courts, advocates, and community, etc. do not actually help. They don’t want to hear about the abuse. They want to tell you what to think, say and do. They say things you didn’t say and go on and on. I have to stop people sometimes and say “this is what I mean….not that.” If people would just LISTEN!
I’m not some auto-abused victim. I’m a person with thoughts and concerns and information! Even well-meaning people. It’s like you have to find out who you really can talk to and shut up immediately when there’s people you know aren’t fully for you.
I am not doing that well right now. Finding too many who get offended by my emotions. If you find ones who’ve been through it AND see it clearly, they do help. They don’t get offended — they actually listen and help. Even the hotlines have volunteers that condemn and get frustrated with you at times. I’m sick of my life. Very angry. Seems like most in my life are super sensitive. “Don’t get mad at me” they say when I speak. It’s like people don’t really hear me at all. They get offended when I speak and I get nowhere. It’s like this is how my STBX should be treated, NOT me! Instead he’s calm and collected and people support him and love him so much.
I cannot wait to be face-to-face with God and be away from this awful world that’s so saturated in injustice. I hate my life. I hate that so many people are disrespectful and blind. “Christians” who have so much “love” for others but won’t see the truth or stand up for the truth. They just have fun with each other and if you make waves you’re out. Adios. Well, better to be a hate outcast at than dead inside. DISGUSTING. I think God has to be so angry at the filth here. It’s wretched.
And you know what? I think I have a better picture of Him now than ever. Sick of the Christian culture. Sick of people talking about how God answers their prayers like this or that. You know what? I talk to Him and He doesn’t answer. And I’m done looking for signs. I know He’s there. I know in Christ I’m born-again and totally forgiven. So why didn’t I hear Him? I believed the lies! The abuse and those who manipulate and accuse me weighed in on me. I still don’t “hear” Him but at least I’m not mad at Him about it or trying to appeal to Him some how and then gathering “signs” as proof that He’s answering. He’s there and I’m here and He sees and I believe He wants me far away from the deceit and lies. Because that is what’s right. And I believe some churches are acting as if they are God and completely missing reality. Sure have seen it here.
[Paragraph breaks were added to enhance readability. Editors.]
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To Lost,
Oh boy! I love what you say. I love the tone and the venting. You don’t surprise me or offend me with your words. I read what you say and am happy you can, and are able to put your feelings into words.
I think whatever form you can get it out of your system it is positive for your well-being.
My husband was verbally abusive, and he was controlling and angry all the time with me. It paled in comparison to dealing with [the] child abuse that I experienced, but dealing with both things was tormenting to the soul. I would literally pull chunks of hair out of my head in pure frustration and feeling like I had no other options, because my husband was so unresponsive to my despair. That same night I drove myself off to the hospital after hiding in the bathroom trying to gouge my arm with a fork. My husband just watched me walk out the door like I was invisible. I told him I was afraid I would kill myself. No response.
Anyhow, a very kind doctor counselled me and gave me Ativan.
I came home and it was as if nothing had happened. It was so emotionally painful to the point my body was feeling waves of pain running up and down from head to toe.
I used to drive for long periods of time and shout, scream, swear, and cry to the Lord until I could no longer drive. I tell you He (God) can bear all anger and sorrow. All pain and rejection. He listened to me and comforted me in my rage. He will do the same for you. He can take every emotion you throw at Him. And He will reveal His love to you in ways that speak to you the best.
That is my prayer for you. Even though people who profess Christianity may fail you, and prove to you they are not what they say they are, God will never leave you or forsake you. Even when you feel unloved, rejected and torn to shreds inside, God is with you, and I pray He reveals His love and kindness to you.
I know this though, I was so distressed I could not recognise His love and affection for me at the time. It is not until I looked back and could see where He intervened on my behalf. Where His kindness showed through the devastation. I want to assure you during this distressing period of time, men and women in your life may fail you but God will never. He will sustain you and give you little bits of hope to keep going.
These people here are good, read the words of truth, let it sink in, let God restore you in the midst of your frustration and despair as you read.
Thank you for your candor. I find it refreshing in an odd sense. I guess because you are able to let it out.
I’m glad you found this page. There are many of us like you, you are not alone.
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These are a fantastic list. 14 is so necessary in a social media society that has permeated the church where sadly image is more important than safety. What are some ways to engage churches that are promoting and enabling abusers?
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I think abuse of power, not power itself, is to blame here. Nobody can deny that there is such a sad thing as police brutality, but does that mean that we should not have any police anymore because a few spoil it for the rest? That would not make any sense. And should parents feel that their children are entitled to grow up without a sense of accountability to them because there have been parents in times past that have abused their authoritarian roles?
Do we have to re-define the headship / leadership in order to have a safe home or society? ….I would not resist any kind of spiritual leader in any capacity, whether home or church, if He was self-sacrificing like my High Priest. But it doesn’t make sense to say, do away with the entire Biblical model of a father being the spiritual leader in the home, just because of an abuse of that role by others. That is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I just want to take God at His clear word. Otherwise, I am adding to His word, and am at risk for a man-made reversing of the order, which could create more evils than the one we already have on account of sin. There are good men out there who love the Lord with all their heart and will not abuse their power of leadership.
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Number 10!!!! I tried to express this to my counselor this week. Sometimes it makes me angry. Anyone try living in my abuse for 40 years and see what effects it has on you! To label me in ways I’ve been labeled hurts me even more and by people who are supposed to be helping me heal.
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Welcome to the blog. 😊 I’m glad you are finding it helpful.
I changed your screen name to ResistingTheLabels as a precaution. It looked like you had given your real name, which isn’t often a good idea on this blog because your abuser might read your comment.
We like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
And after reading the New Users’ Info page, I suggest you look at our FAQ page.
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Do you think that these non-negotiables include financial abuse?
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Definitely yes! Abusers can use all kinds of tactics to oppress and control and “punish” their victims. Financial abuse is one of those tactics, and it is devastating. It has VERY long-term consequences for the victim.
Do you think we need to modify this post to mention financial abuse? We’re happy to hear your feedback.
You might like to look at our tag for Financial Abuse. There are currently 17 posts on this blog which have that tag. Perhaps the most useful one is this:
Financial abuse from intimate partners — a lament, stories and tips to protect oneself
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….Jane, welcome to the blog!
We like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
And after reading the New Users’ Info page, you might like to look at our FAQ page.
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Hi there! I am just someone who has been reading your blog. I come from a normal, loving home, am single, and have never had history of abuse. But I found your blog a useful resource so I know what to look out for in the future (warning signs, etc.).
Is it just me, or do some believers make marriage look so unappealing because of the whole, “God made marriage to make us holy, not happy” or “Even if he abuses you / cheats on you it’s still not grounds for divorce because God can work in him”?
I was browsing the web and this came up on my feed [Link removed by ACFJ Eds; we don’t publish links to other stuff unless we think there is real benefit for our readers in us doing so, and it was a dead link anyway.].
Would you say her views line up with yours here? Because she says:
Now, from what I could see from her content overall, she’s a lovely person. But for this answer in particular, I wondered what you thought. Thanks!
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Hi, the woman who wrote the quote you gave in your comment is obviously pretty clueless about the dynamics of domestic abuse and what the Bible says about domestic abuse.
She might seem like a “nice woman” — but nice is not always safe!
I encourage you to dig into our FAQ page where you will find sections on divorce and remarriage and lots of other stuff too. That will help you discern the flaws and shortfalls in so-called “Christian teachers” who are spouting their stuff.
And welcome to the blog! 😊
We like to encourage new readers to check out our New Users’ Info page as it gives tips for how to guard your safety while commenting on the blog.
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