By Barbara Roberts
Page updated Sept, 2026.
Note: I use the male pronoun for the perpetrator because that is the most common scenario. For stories from male survivors of domestic abuse, go here. In what follows, reverse the genders if that best suits your situation, and see endnote 1.
My definition of abuse
Domestic abuse is a process of seduction, grooming, surreptitious brainwashing and subtle coercion by which an abuser establishes dominance over his target while masquerading that he loves and cares for her.
The domestic abuser has a mentality of entitlement. His core entitlement is his attitude about sex. Whatever his sexual preferences are, and irrespective of how his sexual preferences may exploit others, he believes he is entitled to get his sexual lust satisfied without having to negotiate. He selects and grooms his target with that sexual goal in mind. The skilled domestic abuser can and will hone his strategies to the particular woman he is targeting. (Learn more about this here.) He uses emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual, financial, social, physical and spiritual strategies to obtain control over his target’s thinking, thereby keeping her subordinated and under his control.
He also uses technology and social institutions such as the church, community networks, and government legal, health and welfare systems to help him subordinate the target and keep her subordinated.
When she resists his abuse, or she exposes him by reporting his evildoing to authorities or to his peers, or she escapes him, goes into hiding and seeks legal protection, he uses those same institutions to help him degrade, shame and punish her for resisting him.
The abuser has a seared conscience. He tells lies and creates smokescreens to evade having to take responsibility for his evildoing.
The domestic abuser can be an intimate partner/ husband/ dating partner (current or ex), or a family member, parent, sibling, grandparent, etc.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away her sense of self. Most people used to think domestic abuse meant an incident (or series of incidents) of physical violence perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner. Now that coercive control is being more talked about, and some countries have criminalised coercive control, people are gradually coming to have a more accurate concept of domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse always includes emotional and verbal abuse. It may also include financial abuse, social abuse (isolating the victim, restricting the victim’s contact with family and friends), sexualised abuse/violence, physical violence, and spiritual abuse, e.g., twisting scriptures to justify the abuse. Not all these elements need be present. Some abusers never touch their target in anger or use physical force; they carry out all their abuse by psychological and other means.
Abusers who never use physical violence are still very frightening and controlling to their victims. They exercise a pattern of deceit and coercive control that will be composed of many ‘little’ things but the total effect is soul destroying and very confusing to the victim — which is how it is designed to be. Confused people are easier to control. After the victim separates from the perpetrator, he usually continues abusing the victim, often with the added element of legal abuse through the Family Court and other branches of the justice system. Most often the protective parent is the mother. (I outline how Family Courts have been weaponised by abusive fathers in endnote 2.)
Defining domestic abuse by a list of behaviors in never going to capture it
Don Hennessy explains the tactics used by men who abuse their intimate female partners
Signs of an abusive relationship — where the abuse is hard to recognize
Ok, I’m being abused. So what do I do now?
Controlling Behavior Checklist
Controlling Relationship Assessment
My abuser says I am the abuser! Am I?
The abuser sees; he just disagrees. He knows he is doing wrong; he just doesn’t care.
Does the victim recognize the abusive patterns? Yes, and no. And then, by degrees, YES!
Signs Your Husband May Be Addicted to Pornography
The language of abusers who portray themselves as victims — Vagueness & Contradictions
Potentially Abusive Personalities: Some Red Flags — by Dr. George Simon, Jr.
Understanding Domestic Abuse — A Resources page at this site. It has links to resources outside this site.
Endnotes
1. In some cases of spousal abuse, the man is the victim. For wisdom in assessing the claims of a man who says he is a victim of domestic abuse, please read Marks of a pretend victim versus a true victim. Also this handout I obtained at a conference run by No To Violence in 2012: Assessing men who present as victims of family violence but who may actually be the primary aggressor.
2. Family Courts around the world are often compelling protective mothers to hand the children over to their abusive father on a regular basis, even if the father is directly abusing the children with sexualised violence, neglect, physical violence, etc. Sometimes the Family Court insists that father gets sole custody and sole parental responsibility, and prohibits the protective mother from having any contact with her children — these women are known as ‘erased mothers’. Abuse is a parenting choice. No man who abuses his intimate female partner can be described as “a good father,” but abusive men and their allies have manipulated and weaponised Family Courts to disregard the mother’s allegations of the man’s abusive pattern of conduct.