He could hear the voice of the Lord, but he threw it away.
On my wedding night, I knew that I had made a mistake and I sensed fear and danger within me but did not have the understanding for it.
I was new in the Lord and did not know that I would be facing someone who would go into demonic manifestation three times in that short lived marriage, and then once more into a manifestation when I was talking to him on the phone. At that time I did not know that it was even possible for a voice to change. That voice that said he was going to commit adultery on me (which he did) and then speak such sexual filth towards me to tear me down.
I did not know that he would pray death over me — which he confessed to, along with telling me that he committed adultery with his prayer partner. I don’t know if she took part in praying death over me. (I don’t think that she did; I think that she knew that was over the line.) He did not stay with her very long, he moved on to other women in his church.
One of his favorite forms of abuse was to heap shame onto me. His mouth spewed forth such vile degradation of who I was as a person and as a child of God. In one of his verbal rages he kept coming after me with his venom for what seemed like hours. It was getting close to midnight and I asked him to just stop and let the neighbors sleep. He escalated into more rage, saying he wanted everyone to know what he thought about me. He told me that he was going to open the front and back door so that everyone could listen — which he proceeded to do. I went to bed that night with such shame and a feeling of unworthiness. It took several weeks for me to even leave the house except for going to the grocery store. I just could not face seeing anyone and having to look into their eyes knowing that they may have heard all that had been said to me. We did have a 24 hour grocery store by us but I would wait until 3 o’clock in the morning to go, praying that the neighbors would all be sleeping at that time.
Only through hindsight can I see that he never thought of what people would think of him. He refused to see that he was in the wrong. In his thinking, it was I who deserved his hatred of me.
His cycle of abuse towards me was mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual.
What was so confusing for me was that he could hear the voice of the Lord. During the last part of our marriage he had wanted to come over. I told him that before he could come over he would have to agree to spend time in prayer before the Lord alone in my bedroom before we could talk about ourselves. He agreed to do so. I had already spent several hours of prayer in my bedroom earlier, before he had called. I asked the Lord for His Holy Spirit to reveal truth to H about his treatment towards me and all that he was doing to me. H came over and spent time praying in my bedroom. I was sitting in the living room and was lifting my heart up to rejoice before the Lord when the Lord Jesus spoke so plainly to me that it was not yet time to rejoice, so I just sat on the floor and wept quietly.
After the weeping was over, I got up and sat in the chair. H came into the living room a short time later. He said that the Holy Spirit had told him that he had used me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My heart was thundering inside of me and I was thanking the Lord for the truth that He had revealed. And then the next thing I heard coming out of H’s mouth were the words “No, I do not believe that I ever used you this way.” He denied everything that God had spoken to him.
My heart just fell before the Lord.
During our marriage I had asked H if he wanted to keep a prayer journal — one that he could write down any verses that come to him in his prayer time. At that time, I did not know if he did used a prayer journal or not. It wasn’t until months after our divorce that I opened several boxes that H had packed and given to me. At the very bottom of one box was the prayer journal that H had kept. It wasn’t more than a few pages long but I could see the verses that H had written down and his responses to them. I read the verses where the Word says to be tenderhearted to your wife and other verses that talked about not sitting in judgement — and H’s comment that he felt that the Lord was speaking to him concerning me.
I wasn’t shocked that H had discarded the journal. But I was shocked that he could hear from God through His Word and through prayer, but yet throw such a precious gift of hearing from God away. The very real and living God.
It has taken more then 20 yrs for me to even write about any of this, much less to even talk about it. I have shared just a little of what happened during that time.
Ps.63:7 For Thou has been my help, and in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy.
Ps.91:4 He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
This post is by Milinda, who has recently started commenting on ACFJ. Many thanks to her!