[September 13, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
On my wedding night, I knew that I had made a mistake and I sensed fear and danger within me but did not have the understanding for it.
I was new in the Lord and did not know that I would be facing someone who would go into demonic manifestation three times in that short-lived marriage, and then once more into a manifestation when I was talking to him on the phone. At that time I did not know that it was even possible for a voice to change. That voice that said he was going to commit adultery on me (which he did) and then speak such sexual filth towards me to tear me down.
I did not know that he would pray death over me — which he confessed to, along with telling me that he committed adultery with his prayer partner. I don’t know if she took part in praying death over me. (I don’t think that she did; I think that she knew that was over the line.) He did not stay with her very long, he moved on to other women in his church.
One of his favorite forms of abuse was to heap shame onto me. His mouth spewed forth such vile degradation of who I was as a person and as a child of God. In one of his verbal rages he kept coming after me with his venom for what seemed like hours. It was getting close to midnight and I asked him to just stop and let the neighbors sleep. He escalated into more rage, saying he wanted everyone to know what he thought about me. He told me that he was going to open the front and back door so that everyone could listen — which he proceeded to do. I went to bed that night with such shame and a feeling of unworthiness. It took several weeks for me to even leave the house except for going to the grocery store. I just could not face seeing anyone and having to look into their eyes knowing that they may have heard all that had been said to me. We did have a 24-hour grocery store by us but I would wait until 3 o’clock in the morning to go, praying that the neighbors would all be sleeping at that time.
Only through hindsight can I see that he never thought of what people would think of him. He refused to see that he was in the wrong. In his thinking, it was I who deserved his hatred of me.
His cycle of abuse towards me was mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual.
What was so confusing for me was that he could hear the voice of the Lord. During the last part of our marriage he had wanted to come over. I told him that before he could come over he would have to agree to spend time in prayer before the Lord alone in my bedroom before we could talk about ourselves. He agreed to do so. I had already spent several hours of prayer in my bedroom earlier, before he had called. I asked the Lord for His Holy Spirit to reveal truth to H about his treatment towards me and all that he was doing to me. H came over and spent time praying in my bedroom. I was sitting in the living room and was lifting my heart up to rejoice before the Lord when the Lord Jesus spoke so plainly to me that “it was not yet time to rejoice”, so I just sat on the floor and wept quietly.
After the weeping was over, I got up and sat in the chair. H came into the living room a short time later. He said that the Holy Spirit had told him that he had used me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My heart was thundering inside of me and I was thanking the Lord for the truth that He had revealed. And then the next thing I heard coming out of H’s mouth were the words “No, I do not believe that I ever used you this way.” He denied everything that God had spoken to him.
My heart just fell before the Lord.
During our marriage I had asked H if he wanted to keep a prayer journal — one that he could write down any verses that come to him in his prayer time. At that time, I did not know if he did use a prayer journal or not. It wasn’t until months after our divorce that I opened several boxes that H had packed and given to me. At the very bottom of one box was the prayer journal that H had kept. It wasn’t more than a few pages long but I could see the verses that H had written down and his responses to them. I read the verses where the Word says to be tenderhearted to your wife and other verses that talked about not sitting in judgement — and H’s comment that he felt that the Lord was speaking to him concerning me.
I wasn’t shocked that H had discarded the journal. But I was shocked that he could hear from God through His Word and through prayer, but yet throw such a precious gift of hearing from God away. The very real and living God.
It has taken more then 20 years for me to even write about any of this, much less to even talk about it. I have shared just a little of what happened during that time.
(Psalm 63:7 [NASB1977]) For Thou hast been my help, and in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy.
(Psalm 91:4 [NASB1977]) He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
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This post is by Milinda, who has recently started commenting on ACFJ. Many thanks to her!
[September 13, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to September 13, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to September 13, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to September 13, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (September 13, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]
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A Cry For Justice 
How interesting this is posted on September 28, which is the date I was married. And I also felt fear and confusion on my wedding night!
Recently divorced now from a narcissistic sociopath and yet, looking back requires continued effort toward healing from all the abuse.
What I do celebrate today is not a wedding anniversary; I am celebrating God’s amazing protective care of me while I was in a very dangerous ‘marriage.’ He brought me out of that horror and into safety and security. HE really is faithful! Milinda, may the Scriptures you quoted today touch the hearts of many; they certainly have touched mine.
Oh my goodness! Do they all pray for their wives with the woman they are committing adultery with?
Pure EVIL.
Do they all tell their wives they are going to commit adultery and describe their exploits? Dear Milinda, big ((hugs)). The shame takes so long to come out from under, and some things hurt in places we can hardly bear to go to. It never was your shame. You are so brave. And your Abba was crying with you all along.
Thank you for this post. I believe it.
The voice change is a common occurrence for those who belong to their father the devil and ever since this has been made known to me, I see it quite often. If you start to pay attention, you’ll see it too. Listening to people on TV or radio who are monologuing or reality TV stars, talk shows, etc. It happens quite often with my husband as well.
The shame you felt after the night of his abuse is horrible! And I’m sorry the neighbors didn’t reach out to you with love and kindness! This shaming and degradation are usually prevalent with evil ones. My husband (as all psychopaths) hates me and everyone else. When he degrades me he really believes that he is God and that since I am not worshiping him the way he desires (nobody ever could because these people are shifting sands of moods and evil) I am not worthy of his “good” will.
For a time my husband belonged to a “suicide club” of sorts. He and a few others had spouses that they’d been able to manipulate mentally and emotionally in the past and they’d gotten together to pray against us. They agreed to some kind of compensation from the others if any of them were successful. This all fell through when one of the men got his wife to kill herself but instead of turning to help the rest of the group, he kept the money for himself and refused to even talk to them any longer.
My husband too went through a period of time where he read the Bible and prayed. The night he asked Jesus into his heart he told me the next day that he didn’t think it had “worked” because he still hated everyone. (I had NO IDEA at the time that my husband was a psychopath or what this even meant and that he hated me as much as he hated everyone else.)
I missed all these red flags to look for at all the marriage seminars, books and counseling I’ve been to and read. It’s all time and money wasted without the truth that some people belong to their father the devil and love what they are. Thank you for sharing your heart and your life with us. You are NOT alone!
Anonymous,
GAAAAAASP! That “suicide club” is a whole new level of pure evil!
Just glad that you survived and are still with us.
Avid Reader,
Yes, at the time it was taking place and while God was revealing this to me and my daughter (my husband was trying to get both of us to commit suicide) I can’t begin to describe the heartbreak, fear, hopelessness, worthlessness and depression that I (we) felt. And as with most of the trials God has me go through, this was not the only thing happening in my life and I truly felt like it would be better just to end it.
God was with us and He loved us so much, I can now see. But He had to show me the total depravity of my husband’s heart and soul — and the horror of this. And I learned.
I’d like to take the opportunity to say thank you, Avid Reader, for your comments and the insights you glean from the many things you read. I no longer venture far from God’s word for reading purposes unless it is recommended from a trusted source simply because I don’t have the time or brain cells to waste. So I appreciate when you use the many things you’ve read and highlight the good stuff for us here. Barb and Jeff do this as well and it’s a God-send! Thank you all!
Anonymous,
Thank you for the encouragement. To be honest — I feel lucky to be involved with the ACFJ community. 🙂
I used to read all these biographies of heroes of the faith and then wish that I could do big things for God like they did.
Now I’m starting to realize that sometimes the biggest thing we can do for God is to simply hold onto the Lord when it feels like everything is falling apart around us and nothing makes sense. While I can’t imagine having to face the level of evil that you’ve lived through, it seems like all of us believers are getting hammered from all sides with pressure that tries to break us down and wear us out — trying to get us to turn away from the Lord.
Just wanted you to know that I admire your courage and the courage of Milinda and so many other people reading this right now who are still walking with the Lord after having to withstand very strong evil.
Yet even after everything that the devil and his agents tried to do to you — in the end they totally lost because not only are you still walking with the Lord, God has plans for your future. Only He knows how many other lives you and your daughter will be able to touch. Only He knows the difference that you will be able to make in the lives of other people who maybe have given up on our faith but even though they’ve gotten to where they never want to go to a church or read a Christian book they will listen to your experience because you understand their experience better than anyone else.
There are so many supposedly Christian seminars, books and counselors out there. But almost none of them ever, ever mention the possibility of a spouse who intentionally chooses evil. They therefore refuse to deal with the most serious and dangerous of all problems that can happen in a marriage. In my opinion, those courses, books and counselling are completely worthless. Because of their omission of this issue of evil, they don’t represent a Christian perspective at all, just a moralistic view of life which is actually spiritually bankrupt.
It’s so true, KayE! So many precious brain cells wasted on fluff and stuff. I can joke about it now but as you know, at the time when I was seeking help from supposed “Godly” resources, it was soul-destroying!
As you stated, without the knowledge of evil people, it’s all COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.
Milinda, rejoicing in the Lord that you were able to escape from your former H. He loved darkness because his deeds were evil. I too understand how hard it is to talk about abuse. For my whole life I kept almost everything inside because I always felt tainted after talking to someone even a little bit about it. But it’s not our shame. The shame belongs to the abuser. Thanks for sharing.
This really helped me tonight.
You can’t fix a psychopath. Every time I read something like this I never want to marry.
The devil poses as angel of light and quotes Scripture (Jesus and Satan on the mountain). Devils and Satan talk plainly to God and accuse us before Him (Job). As well as the demons who wheeled-and-dealed to be driven into the pigs by Jesus.
Cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh were masters of Scripture. It’s not God they hear but their father the devil who is liar, murderer and thief. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing having the appearance of godliness but denying His power.
Hi, Surviver,
Welcome to the blog! Thank you for your comment! We like to encourage new commenters to visit our New Users’ information page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.
Also, I saw your first identical comment and trashed it as the screen name was identifying – which I suspect is why you resubmitted the comment using the screen name Surviver. 🙂
Again, welcome!
You’re a smart cookie. 😀
My first h sometimes would say, “God told me to….”, all good stuff. Then, as few days later, when he was doing the opposite, I would ask him about it, and he would get angry, “I never said that!!” I quit asking.
On the other hand, I believe God told me to get out of Dodge for a long time and I didn’t listen, either. I just pray that I do what He asks more often.
Somewhere here in the last few weeks, Barbara wrote that with some of the men’s ministries, the wives have said that their husbands didn’t change, but they sure were eager to teach other men how to change. What’s with that? I’ve seen that over and over. H number 1 read, “Do Yourself a Favour, Love Your Wife” and promptly bought a stack for every man in the church. Since the book wasn’t addressed to me, I didn’t read it for years, but when I did, I was surprised to see that it was pretty good, but I don’t think he heeded one thing in it. Whenever he learned a new thing about God or the Bible, he would be really agitated until he could tell someone else about it, and then it was GONE. If I wanted to talk about it more, he would look really puzzled, as if he’d never heard it before.
We went to a marriage ‘intensive’ several years ago. The couple leading it were very strange and had no concept of boundaries. Lots of pretty good information, but he didn’t seem to live by it all that much, and he was so full of himself and even nasty at times. When his wife wanted to say something, he would usually say, “No, honey, we don’t have time for a story right now”, and then tell a few stories himself. Again, some of the ‘reformed’ men from this ministry were teaching others. And then we would hear later that there was yet another divorce. Some did seem to change, though, so maybe it was worth it for the few. Jesus did talk about many being called but few chosen. Perhaps they have counted the cost and found it too high, yet the attention from sharing the new knowledge is somehow invigorating?
Awesome insight into this subject! Thank you for sharing it! I’m grateful that God allows us to gain wisdom through our brethren….it’s one of the blessings we receive when we share the truth of our lives with each other. God is glorified and His children are blessed when we do this.
This Bible verse came to mind: James 1:22-25 [NIV] —
Thank you for keeping this website up and strong — everyone who works for ACFJ. We so badly need this website — and each other!
I think that’s a very astute suggestion. And a concise way of putting it. Thanks! 🙂
Oh my goodness! Yes, I can say that too about my H. When he first had it pointed out to him by a Christian psychologist that he was controlling me and needed to let me go, he did a series of sermons on it (lay preaching in our church). But, a few months later it got much worse and the struggle to hang on to control got more desperate. And he admitted he was being rebellious and stubborn. I could see it was a real spiritual struggle. We’ve been separated since earlier this year and it seems he thinks he has changed and talks about ‘history’ and patterns of the past. But, I can still see those patterns. They are not left in the past.
Psalm 5:9
I also felt fear and confusion, even before my wedding night. In hindsight, I’m sure I was being warned, but at 19 I was so smitten, and not sure in the Lord enough to understand what I was sensing. I spent 34 years staying and praying, believing that it was his right to abuse me even to the point of his trying to take my life. Every time I reached out to church Elders I was blamed for the abuse I suffered.
I’ll never forget the day that he wrapped his hands around my throat screaming at me to die, telling me he had made a pact with the devil. He even went so far as to tell me that I no longer belonged to God because he as my husband had dissolved that covenant.
Praise God I’m free now, living and thriving through grace and mercy. Walking the path of healing that God is taking me on, while being a light to others who have survived or are looking to escape.
Hi, Angelsforhorses,
Welcome to the blog! So glad you are free and safe!!
We like to encourage new commenters to read our New Users’ Information page as it gives tips for staying safe when commenting on the blog.
Again, Welcome!
Just….wow.
Yeah….wow, that is my reaction now Barbara R.. But back then I was so “gaslit” that I questioned the validity of the claim. He of course used Old Testament Scripture to back up his abuse, as I have found through research and counseling with other victims and survivors, that many do. Thankfully, in searching for marriage counseling, we had found a true church body, with a knowledgeable pastor. He had a Doctorate in counseling and we were going to him for marriage counseling. He knew what he was seeing and kept me safe, as well as being there for me answering all the questions I had, as well as bring me into the body when my ex discarded me. It was a very long 34-year odyssey I lost myself only to find my way back stronger than ever. God sure is amazing, especially in what He allows to happen for our good, and OH what beauty He makes of our ashes!
One thing I never experienced was spiritual abuse. My husband didn’t grow up in the church, and he knew almost nothing about the Bible. He went to church to monitor my thinking; but he never became involved, and I always knew the Bible far better than he did. What I am reading in these posts astounds me. The fact that this nonsense goes on in churches and under the guise of Christianity is such a disgrace to the name of Jesus. I remember telling my first pastor once that my husband was a Christian, but the Holy Spirit, operating through my pastor, convicted me of lying to myself. When the Holy Spirit is truly operating, there is no doubt whatsoever. Also, I have witnessed several times that when the Holy Spirit is operating, it causes extreme agitation in unrepentant persons.
Pharaoh was a murderous and unrepentant man. He set himself up as god in the hearts of the Israelites, but God is greater even than Pharaoh. The plagues of Egypt were necessary for God to reveal Himself to the Israelites as Lord even over Pharaoh. Pharaoh ruled over them with the same fear and oppression that an abuser uses to rule his victim. When they finally fled into the wilderness to get away from him, he came after them with murderous intent in his heart. He was willing that his whole kingdom be destroyed rather than give up his ownership over them. An abuser has the same mindset, but Jesus is our Moses, and Jesus is able to deliver us and lead us into the wilderness where we can learn to trust Him.
The miracle that I am reading in these posts is that God does indeed deliver from the hand of the abuser. And it takes a miracle.
I think that the classic Scripture passage on this kind of person is this one —
Consider that description. Enlightened. Tasted. Shared in. Then fallen away. That is how much a person can experience and still never be regenerate. And once they know the truth, experience its powers, taste of God’s goodness and know full well the Gospel of Jesus Christ is totally true, THEN reject it, there comes a point when there is no coming back. Knowing, willful, unbelief. And sooooo deceitful.
I am so grateful for this post! It is good to hear other people share similar experiences about this topic of hearing from God. I was married for a very long time before my ex told me he had never been faithful to me….even before we were married. He told me that God had told him very clearly one day that he HAD to tell me and that he felt compelled to do so — like he had no other choice. He had no motive to confess (I knew NOTHING), as he knew it could potentially end in divorce. After that confession, he appeared to legitimately transform and became radically different for a substantial period of time. I truly believed it was authentic and had hope for the first time for our marriage, family, and future. And then that change slowly started to fade. It was so subtle at first that I hardly noticed. Within a few years he was 1000x worse than he had ever been before his confession and “conversion.” I spent years in agony about this, wondering how this could’ve happened and thinking that I’d been so deceived. Did he really hear from God? Was that apparent change of heart even real? How does this happen? I’ll never forget the day I read Hebrews 6:4-8 and realized this actually CAN happen. Devastating.
The abuse escalated to epic proportions and after we had been separated for a long time, I told my now ex that our ‘marriage’ was over and he responded with anger (of course) and began lecturing me about how it wasn’t biblical (because he wasn’t technically committing adultery at that precise moment??). He told me he was going to fight and that he wouldn’t allow it to happen (as though he was the gatekeeper and could prevent me from filing). He said, “The only way I will EVER change my mind is if God tells me directly, because I believe this is wrong.” We were in a public place, so I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and cried out to God that He would intervene. I came back and he continued ranting about how this was wrong, that I had no biblical grounds, and that he was refusing to agree to divorce. We parted ways and a few hours later he called me — sobbing. He told me he had gone home immediately, spent time in prayer, and that God had told him to “let me go.” He then said, “So, I’ll give you the divorce.” (Interesting that even though it was a direct word from the Lord, he immediately reframed it as something he was granting me — control.) His explanation for God telling him this was that due to my “hardness of heart,” he had to let me go. See how twisted that is?? I became the Pharaoh whose heart was hardened and my abuser ex now needed to be freed from the bondage of being married to a woman whose heart was so far from God…. There are no words to describe this sort of twisted evil.
During the entire separation, divorce, and now post-divorce, he has never treated me so abusively. He spews venomous, hateful things about me to others, lies to everyone, and is more manipulative and controlling than ever. There is no doubt that the evil in his heart has taken root like I never imagined it could a few years ago. Watching this has turned my world upside down. I believe my ex really did hear from God and tasted the heavenly gift and shared in the Holy Sprit for a period of time and then fell away. I don’t think I would’ve believed this could have actually happened if I hadn’t watched it unfold right in front of me. It is a very confusing and devastating thing to behold.
God spoke into my ex’s evil heart to allow me the exodus and freedom that I needed and had prayed specifically for. He is sovereign and uses, and even speaks directly to, the hearts of the wicked to achieve His purposes. If God had never told my ex to confess to his infidelity, I would not have seen the truth of the evil I was actually living with — or it would have drug on for much, much longer. Simultaneously, my ex was given the opportunity to turn his heart fully toward God, which he has chosen not to do (but is MORE involved in church than EVER). I am so grateful that through this, God has taught me to have a more discerning heart and to trust that He will always reveal truth, as difficult and as unbelievable as it might seem.