A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Abusers Want their Victim to Die

UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.


You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44

It happened again recently. We received another account from an abuse victim about how her abuser refused to take her to the hospital when she was seriously injured. This is a pattern. We have heard this same kind of report with frequency. A cut hand requiring stitches. “Drive yourself!”  The possibility of a miscarriage or of labor. “Drive yourself!” A back injury causing significant pain. “I’m not paying any doctor bill for that!” “You don’t need that medicine!”

All of this is nothing less than a murderous spirit. We have also seen it in family planning. Numbers of these reports necessarily lead you to conclude that this husband actually hopes his wife will die in childbirth so he can go get himself a new model, all the while presenting himself to his church as “oh, the poor, poor man. What a loss he has suffered.”

Abusers are of their father the devil. As Jesus said, children of the devil share their infernal daddy’s character. They are murderers just like him.

We read with very troubling frequency the reports of women being killed by their abusers. What I am proposing we all need to be aware of is that all abusers are murderers at heart and that abuse is murder. Sometimes it uses a gun. Probably more often it uses slower acting poisons that destroy the victim’s health.

Abuse is murder, and abusers need to be regarded as such.

Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (1 John 3:15)


  1. Still Scared but you can call me Cindy

    One Christmas I was shoveling snow (ex could lift weights but shoveling would hurt his back) and I sliced open my hand on the shovel. Obviously not a 911 call but it needed stitches. Ex got the car car stuck so neither could get out of the driveway so I walked in a snowstorm to the emergency room. (and when I walked home, my daughter had been sitting on toilet for 1 hour because he wouldn’t wipe her. She was three then). I always thought it was because he did not want attention drawn from him. Like when the kids and I were in a car accident and I broke my ankle. At the lawyer’s office he was so helpful but the day after I was expected to be doing everything as normal and off my crutches. When that did not happen he had one of his chest pain episodes in the ER that amount to nothing. Right now he has again put off paying kids’ medical bills because he has to have some minor outpatient surgery! Today I am very resentful.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Cindy – your resent is proper. His spirit is one of a murderer.

    • standsfortruth

      Cindy, my abuser did this same thing. Always holding me in contempt when i was sick, or not well. As if I did it on purpose.
      Often times he would stage his own illness simultaneously just so he would not have to cover my responsibilities.
      Of course this made matters worse, and I ended up working while I was sick or compromised most of my life.
      After a while, I developed an understanding that no matter what, I had to always cover my own responsibilities, because my abuser used my sicknesses as a reason to further attack me with his covert antics.

      • Seeing Clearly

        From time to time, he dropped this important piece of info into our conversation: when we get old it would be best if he was the one who needed to be taken care of because he had no idea how to take care of me. He was serious, appearing to express concern for our relationship in our later years. There were periods of time that I questioned whether he had a brain tumor. He certainly could not be in his right mind saying things like this. The only way I knew to slip out of this gnarly mess was death.

        When he stepped away from ministry, snow removal was a temporary occupation, taking our [child] with him early mornings. Every day, they encountered the Brinks truck. He occupied his brain with ways to rob the Brinks truck. There was nothing wrong with planning a criminal deed with our [child], as he saw it. If I had made issue of it, he would have aggrandized the robbery planning game.

        The night before I was planning to announce divorce to him, I overdosed on pills. For some time, I had told myself that I would rather die than go through a divorce with this irrational, unpredictable, inhumane person. At that point, death seemed better than life. His vindictive scene in the resulting emergency room was hateful, full of lies. The medical team looked to him for all necessary info. He lied to the children, “explaining me”, as was his custom through that period of time. He continued to posture himself as the reliable parent. He was masterful, all done in full composure, never raising his voice, a tear rolling down his cheek where necessary. The children disowned me for a period of time. I could not expect different from them with the lies and confusion and disillusionment they had to process through. As they understood, I had no credibility. I had no sanity.

        He sincerely married a commodity. He was to be the human, I was to be the extension of him. He told himself and God that he was entitled to take God’s creation (me), and use me up and toss me away when he was done with me. If he was really lucky, I would simply fade away. Fortunately for him, I divorced him and he did find and marry another commodity a few years later.

        This sounds like such a cruel way to describe him and life with him, but I have slowly been able to accept the underlying truth of what was really happening.

      • Jeff Crippen

        Seeing Clearly – it is truth, and it is therefore healing that you have been able to accept it, as you say. I suppose we should start keeping some kind of track on how many survivors like yourself had abusers who were in Christian ministry of some kind because really quite a number of their victims have written to us. Imagine going to a pastor for “marriage counseling” and in fact the reality is that the pastor is an abuser himself! But it is happening all over the place today. It’s like some horror/sci-fi genre movie where all the people a person trusts turn out to be zombies. But it isn’t sci-fiction. It’s true!

      • 7stelle

        Why do we feel guilty for merely stating the truth of what is/was done to us? Abusers commit these sins against us and they sleep like babies.

      • Why do we feel guilty? Because we have healthy consciences … tending to over-sensitive consciences because the church and society’s teaching about all this stuff has had a default to victim-blaming, and also male privilege, which makes it easier for males to develop the Entitlement Mentality which is at the core of the abusive mindset.

        Why do abusers feel no guilt? Because they have unhealthy, seared, deficient or absent consciences. Society, the church, genetics, and family upbringing all play a part in this, but those things are not the only determinants: the bottom line is that the individual person who becomes an abuser CHOOSES to ignore the pricks of their own conscience. They choose to believe that they are entitlted to ignore and resist the obligations, the reprimands and the restraints required to live in a civil society. They put themselves above those restraints and obligations. And they choose to believe that they can disregard any prick of conscience or any goad from society.

        They will be greatly dismayed on the Day of Judgement when they find that the God of the Universe will not accept their self-justifications.

  2. Struggling

    So true. So, so true. I would give examples of how this rings true with me, but I’m afraid to do so publicly. Much of it is extremely subtle and makes me question myself. Thank you for posting this.

    • June

      The subtlety is part of the abuse, and is calculated to make you question yourself. This is called “gaslighting ,” after the movie “Gaslight.” If you watch the movie, I am sure you will see what I mean. It stars Ingrid Bergman as a young wife whose husband tries to convince her she is going insane. He moves things so she thinks she is forgetting where she put them. He also dims the gas lights periodically, and when she comments on it, he tells her she is imagining things.

  3. Debbie

    My husband did those things. He refused to pay for necessary medical expenses. I would always have an extreme, debilitating anxiety anytime I had to go to the doctor for anything. I was a teacher at a private school. We took our students ice skating a hundred miles away. I fell and hit my head on the ice. It knocked me unconscious for thirty minutes. Paramedics came and took me to a hospital, but I got up and walked out because I was so afraid of my husband’s reaction. My sister was on the way to the hospital, but she hadn’t arrived yet so there was no one there. I called my husband and told him what happened. He treated me with such contempt over the phone, telling me how stupid I was and that he hoped he didn’t have to pay anything, and of course he had no intention of coming to get me. He told me to figure it out. After I got home, I realized that workman’s comp would pay the bill, so I went to the hospital to make sure all was okay. Both my husband and mother-in-law showed up. They treated me so coldly and with such contempt, I just wanted them to go away. They had this attitude that they were going to do their duty by me, but that I really wasn’t worthy of their attention. My husband has threatened my life. He put his hands around my neck and a pillow in my face and had a discussion with himself about killing me. He said, “I could kill her now and go to prison for the rest of my life,” then he threw me away from him and walked away. Yes, there is murder in the heart of the abuser. And during all of that time of abuse, the ladies in my church treated my husband like he was some kind of victim, like I didn’t properly take care of him so he needed their kind and loving attention. Once, a lady in my church, knowing about his attempts on my life said to me, “Your husband is such a nice man.” I walked away from her because I couldn’t emotionally handle what she had just said, but she followed me and repeated that phrase. Looking back on the situation, I can clearly see the murderous intent of my husband’s heart as revealed through his actions, but at the time, I thought the problem was me.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Debbie – this is a very, very dangerous abuser. Putting hands around the neck is a big warning sign to be very cautious. Those people in your church that think he is soooo wonderful, the poor man they have innocent blood on their hands before the Lord. I hope you are free of all of them.

      • Debbie

        Our church typically has been a very free thinking church. They provided shelter and support for me when I most desperately needed it, and because of the highly intellectual nature of the teaching there, I was able to change my thinking, to see the abuse for what it is. The women that supported my husband created division in the church and left, taking people with them. I was asked to teach a Sunday school class on 1 Timothy and to preach a sermon. . I was terrified of public speaking and waited for the Lord to give me a sermon. I naively thought speaking about women would be a safe subject so I began to prepare my sermon, but the Lord had different ideas. I preached a sermon on the equality and dignity and the sonship of women. Several men left the church, taking their families with them.

    • IamMyBeloved's

      This woman walking behind you is like the demon possessed woman who walked behind Paul saying, “These men are servants of the most high God…” and Paul rebuked the demon! I guess you could try that if that woman ever does that again. It shows who holds the Spirit of Truth and who does not. One actually has to have the Holy Spirit to be able to discern good from evil. I know how you feel because I had this done to me also. Please make yourself and children as safe as you possibly can.

    • UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.


      Hi Debbie
      I want to second what Jeff C said.

      Attempted strangulation — choking — is one of the things that indicates the victim is at HIGH risk from their abuser. I urge you, if you are still in any contact or potential contact with this guy, to learn about Safety Planning (click on our Resources tab to find our Safety Planning page), and also to ring you natoinal hotline and find the contact details of your nearby DV support services and talk over your situation with them, and that you seriously consider leaving him or at the very least developing a good safety plan that might help reduce your risk of him causing you serious physical harm or killing you (or you taking your own life out of desperation).

      We also have a section in our Resources for Risk Assessment. I recommend you read it.

      ((((Hugs))) from Barb

      • Debbie

        Thank you for your concern. I served a civil protective order on my husband more than six years ago for that incident. I didn’t press charges, but in the state I reside, I can press charges at any time. I so appreciate a law that puts a check on my husband’s behavior and empowers me. Since then, I have gone from strength to strength. My husband has acknowledged what he has done and continues to do so. He works hard at making it up to me. Counseling was an eye-opener for him. His mother is an abusive person, and she encouraged him in his abuse. I have confronted my mother-in-law regarding her abuse of her elderly husband. I would like to say that she has changed also, but the only thing that keeps her in check is that other family members know, and we don’t let her get by with it. I am able to identify and call my husband on inappropriate behaviors, and he has developed the ability to process his thinking.

  4. bright sunshinin' day

    The Scriptures you referenced are not often heard or preached…unless 1 John 3:15 is used against the target of abuse condemning her for not “loving” or “forgiving” or “showing mercy” if she has removed herself from an abusive situation that indeed is murderous.

    In actuality, leaving abuse can be the most loving action both for the victim and the perpetrator. For the victim, she is obeying the command to “…love your neighbor as yourself.” To love yourself includes being a good steward of one’s own life and preserving one’s own life (the opposite of murder). For the perpetrator, when the target removes herself from being the abuser’s target, perhaps it helps to lesson some of his sins as removing oneself gives him less opportunity to strike on a daily basis, and it gives him the opportunity to awaken to the destructiveness of his actions which led to the break-up and to repent and come clean before the Lord his Maker and those he has offended. Leaving can be a loving act towards both parties involved.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Bright – I once told a man to file for divorce. He was certainly not innocent and probably the prime abuser in the marriage. But he told me that tensions between he and his wife had become so heated (ongoing for a long time) that he shouted at her the night before “I ought to just go in the bedroom and get my gun and blow your &%$#* head off!” I knew how volatile he could be. So I told him (he had also committed adultery), “Your marriage is over. Someone is going to get killed. Leave the house and go file the divorce papers right away.” He did so and they separated and divorced. Needless to say, there would be plenty of pastors and professing Christians and biblical counselors who would be very critical of how I handled this because I did not work to “save the marriage.” And all that criticism in spite of the fact that I may well have saved the wife’s life.

      • lonelywife

        Jeff…Thank you for posting what you told this man…I needed it!! I’m talking to a friend who is in an extremely abusive marriage and I went with her to see an attorney on Wednesday, and I AM encouraging her towards divorce, but I felt sooo guilty afterwards!
        The old legalistic thinking raised it’s ugly head..and I found myself praying and asking God to forgive me if helping her is wrong! UGH!
        My friend played a recording she has of her husband verbally abusing her, vicious, horrible words and threats! I could only listen to a few minutes of it…it’s that vile…and all in front of her 1 yr old child!!
        She actually talked to a police officer and played the recording, and he told her that when she files separation papers and leaves…to take any guns with her, JUST IN CASE!!
        The officer was so worried, he called her a few days later and begged her to leave her husband…this was over a year ago, but she’s so scared of him and what he’ll do to her or their kids, that she never left!
        I feel God has brought me into her life to help her…and I am encouraging her to do what’s best for her and her children, and to trust God!
        Am I concerned that her husband might see me as a threat..and try to take revenge….Yes, just a bit, and believe it or not, I see him EVERY Sunday sitting on a church pew…but I carry and never leave home without it, so I know I can defend myself if the need arises, though I pray it never does…but this guy seems seriously….demented…and I know I have to be careful, as does my friend.
        He told my friend the other day that she’s changed since we’ve become friends…and he blames me….so I now have to “play nice” when it comes to my interaction with her husband, which is minimal….but I know what I’m dealing with here…Evil…pure satanic evil, this man will abuse my friend, then grab her and then start praying with her! Disgusting!!

        I’m asking you all to please pray for this situation….our pastor is of NO help, and wouldn’t listen to the recordings she has of her husband verbally abusing her.
        He’s a good man, I love him, but he’s ignorant of the evils of abuse, which is shocking, considering he grew up in an abusive home…I’m planning on having a long talk with him in the future about this situation and mine, and asking him to read your book, Jeff….I do wonder how many other women who are in our church who need help, but aren’t getting it?
        I would love to see our church become a safe haven for abused women who can come there and get the help they need….and not be told to “put on your wedding rings, and work on your marriage” which is what my friend was told….sad, the ignorance of a Pastor, isn’t it??

      • 7stelle

        Lonely wife,

        You are a breath of fresh air! I love how you are supporting this woman and children.

        He sounds dangerous. I hope your friend can start her safety plan; a little here and a little there and that it will be a boost to her confidence to get away from him.

  5. a prodigal daughter returns

    The wake up call that my therapist husband wanted me dead came from a friend. She called and said “you know I don’t believe in divorce under any circumstances, but I am convinced your husband wants you dead, please save your life and get out now”. She based this on a conversation she had with him while I was hospitalized because my PTSD had gotten so severe. That conversation was the final push to create an escape plan and sneak off in the middle of the night with a garbage bag of my possessions.

    These are hard words that women need to hear. Death is the outcome of abuse. Some women tell themselves that their husband wouldn’t ever kill them, but in a way he already is. Long before physical death occurs, if it does, many other deaths are occurring. The death of dignity, self respect, the respect of children, the economic losses and health losses, I recognize in retrospect how scarred family relationships are, what terrible irreparable damage. The denial that one’s partner is deadly is very powerful.

    Watching a relative go back to the husband that attempted to kill her twice under the guise of Christian forgiveness and giving her marriage another chance horrifies me, but I’ve done the same thing before too. The ability to tolerate extreme danger and deny risk under the guise of “relationship healing” is not something any church or friend should encourage.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Prodigal D- wisdom! You nail it here and I hope everyone listens to what you say. Thank you.

    • 7stelle

      What do you do though if an incident of physical abuse was about 12 years ago? Do I say he is changing or wonder if it could happen again?

      • KayE

        I would suspect that if you have to wonder, then it could happen again.In the early days of my marriage there were a couple of incidents of very threatening, frightening behavior. It didn’t happen again for years, so I was fooled into dismissing the importance of those demonstrations of power. Subconsciously though, I remembered and was afraid. In hindsight those early incidents were very, very significant. And very calculated.

      • 7stelle

        KayE there was an incidence of physical abuse early on too; on the honeymoon. (There has also been verbal / emotional abuse throughout the marriage; which although it wasn’t every day, week ,or even month; when he does rage it is always explosive! and almost always out of the blue.) Then it happened again 7 years later, then again twice 6 years later. He has been cruel in ways that people in a crowd wouldn’t notice, but I knew what he was doing. When confronted he minimizes or rewrites history. Now he has blocked access of the money. He pays bills, but he has ran up huge credit card debt and threaten to put all the bills on their too (which I think he has already started to do).

        Bad health, kids still home are just a few of the reasons I’m still here.

      • 7stelle

        KayE there was an incidence if physical abuse early on too. Then it happened again 7 years later

      • KayE

        7stelle that’s similar to what I experienced. Several episodes of overt violence spaced years apart, and then covert emotional, financial and spiritual abuse in between. But after I started taking back control of my own life, the overt abuse became all day, every day, and the physical threats became more and more frequent and serious. To the point where people who knew me were afraid for my safety. My health was bad too, but it’s much better now that I’m not getting abused 24 / 7.
        Abusers know just how much and what type of coercion they need to apply to get what they want. They also know what their community will let them get away with, and what will get them into too much trouble.

  6. IamMyBeloved's

    Excellent. Absolutely love how you nail it on the head and call a spade a spade.

    I had this happen to me so many times it wasn’t funny. An ambulance sitting outside the house and EMTs telling him they needed to load me and go. Short story – I ended up going to the hospital on a backboard in the back of the van. Lots of times like this. Had a temp of 105 degrees and had to call a neighbor to take me to the hospital. Had pneumonia in both lungs. From what I’ve read, abusers are worse during pregnancies and I get that too. I could go on and on about this…

  7. Anonymous

    They also try to force us to commit suicide. My husband did this to one of our children and myself by isolating us and telling us that we were worthless and that nobody cared about us and then reinforcing this belief through hundreds of relentless jabs and tactics over the course of several years. God was with us though, and we made it through and we have NEVER forgotten how this feels–how your mind can be affected and influenced by evil. Even knowing cognitively that he was doing this, the emotions and thoughts that the brain engages in still go through the process of thinking you are valueless and that the only choice you have is suicide. Did I feel loved by God at this time? Not always, but there was that kernel in my heart, that node of hope, that God did have a plan and that it was good. I have never memorized more scripture than I did at that time and these verses are the ones that always come to mind in everyday situations. It was that classic “hold onto the promises” of God’s word.

    Evil sucks. God is Great. The end.

  8. Lynn

    Wow again
    Fearfully sobering

    • Hi Lynn, welcome to the blog 🙂

      Please read our New Users Info page and if you want to change the screen name you’ve been using email TWBTC and tell her what to change it to. We want our to help our commenters stay safe on this blog, and choice of non-identifying screen name can help with this.

  9. marriedtomyself

    I felt hated by my spouse for many years even though he kept saying he loved me. His actions showed different but it was so covert that it took me a long time to get it. It was so confusing for him to keep saying it and I felt different.

    • Moving Forward

      Same thing here. He was always saying he loved me, and wanting me to echo it back. I just couldn’t. If I did, it felt so empty. And being in the fog, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t, nor why he had to repeat it so often, almost like he was trying to convince himself. I am starting to get it, now. Love had been killed years before, and I was slowly dying inside. In a surprising twist, he walked out, and what a relief that has been. I don’t know how much longer I would have endured, otherwise. The tragedy is, that, even though he walked out, thanks to visitation requirements, he will still get to effect his damage on the youngest just as he did on that oldest. That is so frustrating, but thankfully, I have a God who can carry them through, just as He has me.

      • 7stelle

        Moving forward,

        What you describe here is exactly my experience too:

        He was always saying he loved me, and wanting me to echo it back. I just couldn’t. If I did, it felt so empty. And being in the fog, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t, nor why he had to repeat it so often, almost like he was trying to convince himself. I am starting to get it, now. Love had been killed years before, and I was slowly dying inside

        —Thank you for putting into words what I could not.

        Most women thought I was nuts for not wanting his “I love you”s. But they were not being subjected to his flirtations with other women, refusing to take me to the doctor, raging outbursts, ignoring me, jealous of our babies, etc… And his words were not for me in and of themselves, they were the set up for me to say them back. He would also grab at me and say, “Come here and give me a kiss.” Oh how I hated that!!! I asked him SO many times to stop; he would say he would then never stopped.

  10. KayE

    I’m certain that my abuser wanted me to die. He doesn’t want to go to prison though, so it would have had to look like an accident or an illness. I can’t describe how terrifying that is if you are unwell.
    After all this is a man who actively prevented me from bringing my small childrens’ animals in from the bitter cold. So their beloved pets died, and he had no conscience whatsoever about that.

  11. MeganC

    “We have also seen it in family planning”. My ex husband wanted four children. It was his big dream for a family. But, my doctors warned me after the first 2 C-sections that I should not have anymore children for a lot of reasons. My husband now (David — not an abuser) told me that he would have stopped then and made sure that mama was taken care of. But, I pressed on, in an effort to please my ex (goodness. You would have thought that we would just die if we didn’t have four children) and had two more dangerous C-sections for a total of 4. During the last one, the doctors told me that they ABSOLUTELY HAD to have my tubes tied and they did it right there. The bleeding, after that, was profuse and it was a scary recovery. While I am grateful for all of my gifts, I can’t believe, now, (knowing what real love in a marriage is) that my ex allowed me to suffer like that. But, I can.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Megan – Thank you for your story. This is a touchy subject because if we bring it up people can think we are against large families, which we are not. But many, and I mean MANY of the abusers I have dealt with have been men who used a warped “Christian” theology to keep their wife bearing more children. And I have no doubt that some of these abusers would not have minded at all if their wife had died from complications from childbirth so they could be off to get a new model.

      • MeganC

        Yes. I understand. And I am ALL FOR big families. But, not if they endanger the life of the mama. 😦 Its pretty awful to feel like a baby-machine . . . as though that were your only purpose in life. I still spend time reminding myself that I am treasured, not for bearing children, but because God made me and loves me. I’m not sure that my ex would have minded if I had died. I’m pretty sure he would just have used it, like everything else, to become the great christian martyr. 😦

    • 7stelle

      We are a small family. I wanted more, but was fearful of being trapped forever with him. One time, just as I was beginning to come out of the fog he said, “I’m going to keep you barefoot and pregnant.” Me: “Oh no you’re not!”

  12. Seeing Clearly

    It is painful to recall of how little value my life had in our marriage. He nearly killed me with his great love of self. I honestly don’t think he ever saw me as a person, [he] gave me a nickname, saying he could not pronounce my name. He slowly stripped me of my personhood. In the end, I would describe myself as ‘dying inside’. A few years prior to divorce, I sat in the parking lot of our bank, asking myself how I had gotten to the place where I had access to none of our money and had no cash. He had left early for our vacation and when I called to tell him of my discovery that he had put all monies in an account accessible only to him, he expressed no remorse and continued on vacation by himself for the entire week. He explained later that I was to blame for his hiding the money. He had also robbed me of my disability income.

    On another occasion I recall the devastation being so great, having endured a marriage counseling appointment, riding home together I contemplated opening the car door and rolling under the car. I could not endure much more.

    He was destroying my mind, telling me I had a split personality. But the second person only came out at home, so no one else ever saw her, only he saw and heard her. In this way, I was prevented from asking anyone else if this was true. During the divorce process, he expressed concern for me (false concern), that one day I would wake up and ask where he was. And he would have to explain to me that the other woman had divorced him.

    • 7stelle

      Seeing Clearly,

      How horrible! His cruelty was so deep!

      I swear, there is a mold these abusers all are made from!
      A-h gave me a pet name too (I didn’t hear my name from him for 20 years), he would never move by my extended family, and for real wanted us to join some secretive organization. I’l never forget him saying how we would get new identities and I would never be able to see my family again–writing it sends anxiety through me still after all these years! When I got strong enough I told him from there on out he had to use my name. He tried many times to get me to answer to his old pet name. I finally stopped telling him to stop doing it and just wouldn’t answer him unless my name was used. And his way of trying to still be in control is to say my name with anger or in somber tones. I won’t answer to that either.

  13. standsfortruth

    One of my worst thoughts is to be stuck with my abuser when I am sick, weak or feeling compromised in any way.
    I have been trying to get free from him for some time, but delays keep happening that prevent me from doing so.
    A while back I was stung several times by a scorpion on my hand , and went into emergency and was given mega doses of an antihistamine for the swelling.
    The doctor warned both my husband and me to come back right away, if any other areas of my body went numb, or if it became difficult for me to swallow, or if it affected my eyesight in any way.
    Well by the end of the night I had all three symptoms happening to me and I told my youngest son to tell my husband about them.
    So my son described my symptoms to my husband and told him how my eyes were moving back and forth very fast. (I could not control them anymore)
    My legs were completely numb, and I could barely swallow.
    But insted of him listening to my son and showing any concern,
    he kept changing the subject, and making jokes with the older children in the same room.
    It was as if he knew I was too weak to defend or speak up for myself anymore, so he was intentionally ignoring me.
    That night in bed, I was so weak and in so much pain, all I could do was pray for the Lord would protect me, and see me through the night.
    I honestly wasent sure I would see the next day, but the Lord was gracious to me, and thankfully I did make it through the night.
    Funny thing is looking back in hindsight, we were fully covered by health insurance, so I have to wonder why he didnt take me back to the hospital. I suspect that he was secretly hoping I wouldnt have made it.
    My youngest son was the only one that showed any concern for me that night.
    If any of my children had that happen to them and shown even one symptom of those three, I surely would have taken them to the hospital without hesitation.

    • 7stelle


    • Wow!
      He certainly wanted you dead. And if you HAD died that night, he ought to have been criminally charged for it.

  14. tranquilskunk

    I’m so sorry this is common enough that you can see the pattern. However, given that it is, I’m also so thankful you aren’t afraid to say it. My abuse happened in the workplace rather than the home, but it wasn’t until I started understanding domestic abuse that I could make sense of my abuser, and it was exactly the realization that he hoped someone would die on the job that I understood I had to escape. We had constant safety issues, and he always blamed the workers for their injuries even though the equipment and working conditions were substandard, and everyone though he was just greedy. But right before I quit, we had a legitimate natural disaster in the town next to us. FEMA was involved, telling people to stay off the roads at all costs, entire neighborhoods were destroyed and bridges and sections of roads wiped out. We had a lot of our workers who commuted from that town, and most of them were terrified of calling in, to the extent that some of them spent the day driving for hours trying to find a way out of town so they could report to work. Meanwhile, our boss spent the same day driving around our unaffected town, checking in every hour or so to report how hysterical everyone was being, how it wasn’t that bad at all. That day, I concluded he was hoping someone would die on the job.

    So often with our safety issues, he’d say, “use your best judgement,” and everyone understood that was his cover, if your judgement didn’t match the “right” answer, he’d punish you, but if you got hurt, he could say, “I told them to use their judgement”. But try telling your friends or family, “My boss hopes someone will die here.” It sounds so extreme that just saying it marks you as an unreliable witness and now nothing you say can be taken seriously. My days there are over, and I left the area and that industry to get safe from him, but I’m still processing everything. It’s such a relief to have found a place where I could tell that story and express the feelings it gave me, and hope to be believed.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Tranquil- Yep, these types are everywhere, including the workplace. My dealings with them for 3 decades has been in the church. They have been deacons, elders, “pillar” church members, and pastors. That is the setting I was “schooled” in about abuse and abusers.

  15. lonelywife

    7stelle…Thank You! This is a new area for me…and I’m constantly praying and asking God if this is His plan for me! I feel that He’s leading me this way, but I’m a bit like Moses, LOL, and I really don’t want to go down this path, because it means opening up myself to others about my OWN marriage!
    I have confided in a few close friends about the true state of my marriage….but my husband is such a “nice man” outside our home, trying to explain to others how he truly is, is difficult! :/

  16. 7stelle

    Whoa! I was at a fruit stand today and this memory came to me: I was at an orchard where I had been stung by insects multiple times; I needed Benadryl. A-h drove so nonchalantly even though I was panicking (I’m allergic to them and he knew that!). Another time I was at a school event outside and got stung, but didn’t know by what; it hurt bad though. I wanted to go home. So he starts driving away and then parks in another section of the school grounds. He says, “I’ll be right back, just have something to deliver in that building”—it was way across the lot and the thing wasn’t even important! I said, “I need to leave NOW.” He walked away any way and strolled across the lot. I yelled out the window, “hurry!”—-he didn’t.”

    • That was him psychologically torturing you.

    • lonelywife

      7stelle….your husband is a cruel, cruel man and I hope you are free from him!

      • 7stelle

        I am not. But next year or thereafter, it will be over.

        He didn’t want to take me or any of our children to the hospital when we had serious emergencies. I’d say what they were, but they would identify me for sure. Some other situations not requiring the hospital were when I got hit bad on two separate occasions by objects at sporting events. He just looked and did nothing. It was other people showing their concern for me that made him exhibit phony concern. The pain was excruciating and I needed ice and he just dawdled to the concessions AFTER I had to tell him to get it for me and again had to say, “HURRY!”

        He has everyone at church fooled. He had courted all the top people there and filled their heads with his “poor me” story. The pastor actually was attacking me after I told him. I haven’t attended there for awhile.

  17. MicroGal

    What about the flip side of this …. victims wanting their abuser to die?

    I feel guilty just admitting that. :-/

    I feel like things would be so much easier if God would just strike him down. The kids wouldn’t have to spend time with an emotionally abusive, manipulative man. He wouldn’t be allowed to continue to abuse me financially like he does. He wouldn’t be allowed to enter the house we own together yet (because he feels the freedom to do that….and I cannot change the locks, by law).

    He asked me recently if I wanted to reconcile and then in the next sentence told me he had a new girlfriend. The pain is unbearable. Why is he prospering while I am left to pick up the shattered pieces? And made out to be the wicked one (according to him)? I am sick of it.

    • Jeff Crippen

      MicroGal – That’s an honest admission and an excellent question. Here is my opinion on it. The Psalms are filled with prayers from the oppressed that the Lord would wipe out, destroy, kill and annihilate from the face of the earth the wicked who oppress the righteous. The saints in heaven are praying that the Lord’s great day of wrath will come so that they will be given justice when the Lord slays their oppressors. 2 Thessalonians opens with a scathing description of the intensity of the fury of the Lord Jesus when He comes and he destroys and casts into hell the wicked, and this is given to US as encouragement! We leave vengeance to the Lord, but the fact is that it is right and proper for a Christian to pray that the Lord would destroy a wicked abuser. Thus, your thoughts about wishing God would strike him down are indeed, holy and right. No guilt necessary.

      • MicroGal

        Thank you, Jeff, for that reply.

        I recently joined a support group where I live. One woman has lived through a situation similar to mine. She said that she and her mother prayed God would strike him dead. And within a few months of their divorce and his remarrying another woman, he died. Another woman also had experienced divorce and prayed for her ex to die, and he did.

        They had a lot of guilt over it and cautioned against prayer anything like that. I haven’t prayed for it, but I do wrestle with those thoughts in my heart and head. What he has done is horrid and evil, and yet he continues to parade around like a great believer.

        It does make me long for Heaven even more. I often find myself praying “Come quickly, Lord Jesus”.

      • Remedy

        MicroGal….if many of us are honest, we share these feelings and feel horrid that we could ever get to such a place. We sometimes wish for our own demise to end our suffering. Yes…Lord come quickly, even as You presently judge righteously in all these situations.

  18. savedbygrace

    That is exactly what happened to me, and I nearly died. By the time I did sneak out of the house and drive myself to the ER, I had been bleeding internally for hours. They told me I would have died within 30 minutes.
    One thing that I think many of us struggle with in these situations is that fact that we have been emotionally abused for so long that we no longer trust ourselves or our own judgment. When they start saying “Quit being so dramatic” or “Now you’re just looking for attention; it’s not that bad” we believe them – and that is a dangerous, possibly life threatening thing. I knew I was hurt, but I had no idea it was that bad. I truly do thank the Lord for enabling me to get out, and seek medical attention in time. It took two major surgeries to save my life, but I am thankful for every day I have here now.

    • Sorry, my mistake Jessica. But I did have to change your screen name as it gave your full name! Please take care to not submit comments in your full name! And your URL was showing too, which is not safe for you either. This kind of stuff can sometimes happen automatically — depending how you have set up your wordpress account and the info you give on your Gravatar. You might like to review what your set up is there. We can’t do it on your behalf. For any further queries, pls email TWBTC.

  19. Tee3

    I’ve always known that if I die today, my abuser will shed tears for only one reason: my money and my servitude

    • fiftyandfree

      Tee3, Ugh… I feel your despair. I know what it’s like to know that you mean nothing to someone other than for what you provide for them. I used to tell people that my ex would walk over my dead body and laugh about it if I ever passed away. Those kinds of words shock people who’ve never been in a twisted relationship with a sociopath, but I get it because I’ve been there.

      He used to tell me to go sleep on the couch when I was seriously ill because I was keeping him awake. He left me alone after every baby I delivered and after surgery, or during scary medical tests. I laid alone so many nights; sick, lonely, scared to death, while he played computer games, watched movies, ate, drank, or slept. I was nothing to him except a “cover” for who he really was, and servant to all of his needs. I used to tell people that if I had a roommate that person would probably treat me better than my own husband did, and I was right because most people have a conscience. He does not.

    • KayE

      I get it too. It’s a terrible place to be in, knowing that the person with most power over you wouldn’t care at all if you died. And it’s worse when the people you’ve asked for help don’t believe it could be that bad. I’m not shocked, I understand, and I believe anyone who’s in this situation.

      • Seeing Clearly

        I get it too. In the last [about one decade] of marriage, I was forewarned numerous times, of the two of us, I had better die first. The reason: while I was capable of taking care of him, he had absolutely no idea how to take care of me in old age. It was understood that he had no intention of trying to learn. I sat in sadness and loneliness after his mean comments. Numbing to such non-caring is quite deadening.

  20. June

    Wow, you are really making a lot of sense here! Thank you for your explanations. I am reminded of how my mother had to beg my father to take her to the hospital when she was in labor with me. You see, he was tired and it was snowing, and he did not feel like driving. Unbelievable!

  21. June

    It just occurred to me that the abuser, despite wanting his victim dead, actually depends on her! Why else would he try to keep her from leaving? How pathetic.

  22. sunshine

    In my case, I don’t think he consciously wants to kill me. I’ve come to believe that my husband is completely unaware that I’m a separate person from him. And since he’s learned to numb himself to pain and discomfort, he can’t relate to me feeling those things. When I went through chemo and radiation he got angry with me for having problems eating. He thought yelling at me would make me eat more. He also would “order me” to stop coughing or vomitting when those things occurred. When I tried to tell him I couldn’t he would say “Yes you can.”

    A lot of the abuse is sexual. There were times that I noticed bleeding, abdominal cramping, and other related issues. When I tell him about it he never gives a sincere apology. He just holds off a little while. Then he forcibly gets his way because he was “kind” enough to leave me alone for a while.

    I’m happy to say that I have started counseling. I do it behind his back of course. Its hard getting to these sessions because he makes me account for every minute spent away from him, but I manage to get there. They are very helpful and they’re showing me different legal options.

  23. anon

    I love the title of this section — straight to the point — abusers want their victims to die. Mine did, still does, but he doesn’t think he can get away with it right now, so I live.

    The sexual abuse you speak of, Sunshine, is disturbing. You don’t owe him anything. You get to decide what happens with your body. There is no marital duty for you to submit to being raped. And if your ‘participation’ isn’t truly voluntary, willing, enthusiastic, and so forth, it isn’t sex, but rather sexual assault. That you sustain injuries?! I feel so sad for you. The “forcibly gets his way” line disturbs me greatly. My abuser thought I was but his bought and paid for personal toilet. That my body was owned by him to do with as he pleased and it was a matter of this is going to happen, so do you want to do it the hard way or the easy way? I still can’t believe I lived. I still can’t believe all that went down.

    I hope you are doing better, Sunshine, and that counseling helps strengthen you. A marriage license is not a hitting license or a raping license. And yes, rape can happen in marriage [but it is sinful to rape one’s spouse]; rape is not part of the ‘fun’ of being married, or the husband’s entitlement and benefit for being married.

    And yes, the abuser wants you to die. Mine was always bemoaning any and all expense I caused him so going to the ER or going to the doctor for head injuries he inflicted, etc. was totally out of the question. If I died on him, he’d make himself into a martyr and saint and it would be ridiculous. UGH! I loathe the evil that is and was him. Completely evil. People kid themselves but monsters roam freely about in this world.

  24. Finding Answers

    (Extreme airbrushing….)

    Anon commented

    I love the title of this section — straight to the point — abusers want their victims to die….


    I am reminded of this in light of a recent massive trigger.

    I read through the original post and the comments generated, wanting to stop so many times and write ^THAT.

    Not long ago, I was led by the Holy Spirit to understand I had Honoured Resistance by living when my abusive family of origin wanted me dead.

    Another light bulb flares to light as the Holy Spirit leads me to accept my family of origin were not the only ones that wanted me literally dead.

    Sometimes I am SO slow on the uptake.

    I learned of Honouring Resistance when Barb provided me with the link a number of months ago in a comment on another post.

    Honouring Resistance: How Women Resist Abuse in Intimate Relationships [Internet Archive link]

    I still have a tough time wrapping my head around the mentality of abusers.

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