The Fear of Abandonment is not Just a Childhood Fear

UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.


John 14:18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

When I was a kid, on a few occasions, I knew that my parents were angry with one another. Not just for a moment, but for quite a few hours and I recall one occasion when the tension lasted several days. Now, when you are a child, and you sense any inkling that one or both of your parents might just hit the road and leave you behind, well, the thing is pretty doggone devastating. On top of that, you know kids — they tend to put the blame for the thing on themselves. Children have a fear of abandonment.

But they aren’t the only ones. We adults carry this heavy package around with us as well. And it is no empty fear. Most of us have actually experienced the hurt of being abandoned by someone.  A parent, a close friend. Some of you have been abandoned by your own children because your abuser fed them a pack of lies about you.

Christians get abandoned. You see it in Scripture:

Do thy diligence to come shortly unto me: For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world, and is departed unto Thessalonica; Crescens to Galatia, Titus unto Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me. Take Mark, and bring him with thee: for he is profitable to me for the ministry. (2 Timothy 4:9-11)

From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? (John 6:66-67)

Abandonment is a kind of betrayal, isn’t it? Someone who vowed to love you and forsake all others for you and be with you “til death do us part” leaves you in the dust. The abuser puts his victim through a hellish and unique kind of abandonment so often — a “desertion” that really doesn’t look like a desertion because he is still physically around. But he abandoned his spouse as much as if he had left on a jet plane.

Abuse victims have been abandoned and forsaken. Not only by their abuser, but often by their church, their fellow Christians, their relatives and friends. And if you have felt the pain of all this, you know how traumatizing it is. I mean, it is serious enough to bring on a kind of PTSD. You watch yourself. You try to guard your words. Why? Because you are living in the fear that another blow of the abandonment hammer is going to fall on you any moment. You sit straight up in your bed in the middle of the night in fear because you remembered that you said. . .or did. . .or another person you know said. . .or did. . .and you are scared that another mega-dose of abandonment is about to get injected right into your veins. Most all of you know exactly what I am speaking of here.

So let’s encourage ourselves. The Lord Jesus Christ cannot, will not, will never abandon you. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee” (Jesus. Direct quote).  You aren’t going to be an orphan. In fact, Christ promises to be “with us always until the end of the age.” Christ is in you, Christian. He is there. He is leading you. He is assuring you of the Father’s love for you (see Romans 8). He is right there telling you, “not that way, go this way. There you go!” And therefore Christ’s people need not live in the fear of abandonment.  People? Oh yeah, they will leave us. But not Christ.

And I will add one more thing. There are also people who won’t abandon us. People who are genuine Christians. People who will love us and stand with us no matter what the cost. That is what the church is supposed to be, you know. Oh sure, it seems like such a church doesn’t even exist anymore. But it does. It always has and it always will. Christ always preserves His remnant. We are not alone.

I have had many, many people abandon me over the years as I have served in the Lord’s pastoral ministry. But there are some who haven’t. In fact, they have drawn closer to me and me to them. I trust them. I fully expect that we will be finishing this race and crossing the finish line together.

49 thoughts on “The Fear of Abandonment is not Just a Childhood Fear”

  1. Pastor Crippen,

    It is amazing to me that God has given you this insight that you share so boldly. The words you speak are true. May God lead all the abused and broken to His true church.

    Pastor, I visited a Reformed church this last Sunday. After services a woman came up to me to say hi. But she stood there and her face told me there was something more. God told me to speak. For lack of what to say I asked if she had children. She stumbled a bit broke into tears and our relationship formed. I asked her to sit and she spoke of her abuse and how she meet her husband in the church, an elder to be exact. Not in this church but another church. How her soon to be ex is trying to get custody. She is a beautiful woman. Please pray for her Kristen. I prayed with her. We spoke for hours. I told her of your work and your website. I told the pastor to contact you and maybe we can have a seminar or workshop or something in His area. It is sooo needed.

    [Editor’s note: comment edited for identity purposes.]

    1. Terry- thank you for taking the time to comment and encourage us. I will be glad to speak with that pastor if he calls.

  2. Thank you for this word of truth. It is much needed today.

    The absence of the word “desertion” and “abandonment” from the legal process I’ve walked through these past eight months was deafening. He left us physically and financially without one word in 2014. In the following months, the judge (a single dad with kids) didn’t require him to pay for us (his wife and child) for that time period, even though we had been 100 percent financially dependent on him until that point.

    We mediated wage garnishment (due to his poor track record with non-payment of child support in a previous marriage), but my attorneys left it in his attorney’s hands, so it didn’t get filed. I chase him down each month for the meager monthly check. I’m seeking employment, but I can’t work until August when our child enters school.

    Desertion. Abandonment. Words no longer used in the legal system. I even told my former pastor after he left us that he dropped us financially. The words fell on deaf ears. But the Lord knows I’m here. I cry out to Him to take me to a church where I can serve locally. So far, the best exegetical teaching I’ve found is on-line. But I do want to serve His people again. I do know that He has connected me to His true church in the ethernet, but I still hope for a local body of believers with whom I can worship and connect as well. All things in His time. I wait… and I trust… and I hope…

    [editors note: comment edited for identity purposes.]

  3. In the midst of the sadness and losses in our lives, it is good to spend time today, remembering those who have walked beside us, faithfully, and continue to do so. Thank you for this reminder today.

  4. Thank you, Pastor Crippen. Everything you articulated I’ve known in my heart, however, during the sad days which have attacked me again due to that feeling of abandonment by everyone; it’s comforting to have you post what I needed to hear again.
    Great words of comfort.

    1. healinginhim – These scripture promises really are comforting, aren’t they? These are promises that we all need to get a firm hold on, not only for the disappointments of life in this world, but for that day when we leave this life. There is no greater comfort on our dying day than to know that the Good Shepherd is going to walk through the valley with us.

      1. That is what keeps me going. Thank you, Pastor Crippen, for reinforcing this hope we have. Thank you also for your commitment to give us a voice. Many blessings to and your family … and may you catch an abundance of fish.

  5. I was just thinking about this this morning, how Christ said, “and lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the age.” and what that must have meant to His disciples. That doesn’t get touched on when this passage is taught, for some reason. But they were very much afraid of losing Him as He kept talking about needing to go away. And then the events of His death happened. And after that the ascension. But He was very careful to repeat Himself on this during all that, and then finally says “I am with you always.” How comforting that must have been for them. There really is no one like Him.

  6. Yes, abandoned in so many ways over the years by a-h; the raw pain of the betrayal of vows. I’ll never forget the day he choose a dinner with friends over accompanying me to the doctor which ended in immediately going to the surgeon’s office. God provided another to help (was unable to drive myself). The gentle and kind heart of God shone through that person and it was my first glimpse of God providing for me minus a-h.

    1. Anonymous100 – I have heard that same account from many, many victims. Namely that when they were injured or very ill and needed to go to the ER or Dr’s office, their abuser refused to take them. That is beyond my comprehension. Jesus said that such a person is equivalent to those who passed by the beaten and robbed man on the road to Jericho.

      1. I remember, twice during my marriage, I had an accident at home and needed stitches… he refused to take me. I had to beg and beg before he took me to the ER. I cannot forgive him for this.

        On the other hand, when my parents had such a difficult time in their life and put me and my brother into a government children school, I forgave them because they had struggles of their own. Yet, how many times did I sit at a window in a bathroom overlooking the front entrance, waiting to see one of my parents … and they never came … I had to wait one year before I got to go home again…

  7. This is exactly the message of comfort and guidance I needed to hear today. Thank you so much Jeff for your insightful words. I went through PTSD for years until it got really bad, but I praise the Lord for His miraculous healing in my heart some time ago!

    The domino effect of abandonment continues in my life and just a few hours ago I received a huge blow of the abandonment hammer with a life-time friend defecting to the first abuser in my life in spite of my friend knowing the whole story and my warning. 😦 The abuser has bewitched my ‘friend’ and whatever I can try and explain, everything is now discounted, I know.

    Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom. For the son dishonoureth the father, the daughter riseth up against her mother, the daughter in law against her mother in law; a man’s enemies are the men of his own house. Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Micah 7:5-7

    And the worst is that fleeing and going no contact with abusers is interpreted as abandoning them. No matter what victims do or say they can never win. Thank God Who knows where the truth is.

    1. Innoscent – I know that abandonment well, particularly in cases where people who were standing with you fell for the abuser’s deception and lies. I think that some of these people come to a point, like Demas who abandoned the Apostle Paul and went back to Thessalonica, simply decide that the comforts and trinkets offered by this world are not worth giving up for the victim. In numbers of cases I have experienced it has come down to plain old money. To stand for truth and justice would mean they have to give up relationships that are financially and materially beneficial to them, and they choose the world instead of Christ. Remember Lot’s wife.

      1. Jeff -I really appreciate your compassionate thoughts and the reminder about Paul’s similar trials of close friends abandoning him along the way. I’m glad this kind of things is recorded in the Bible to bring comfort to us believers down the ages.
        It is hard to be now labeled as the ‘villain’ by the closest friend I had. I am encouraged by these words of David:

        (9) Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.
        (10) But you, O Lord, be gracious to me, and raise me up, that I may repay them!
        (11) By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me.
        (12) But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.
        (13) Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting!
        Amen and Amen. Psalm 41

      2. Innoscent,

        Like you, I think I mourn the loss of people whom I thought were closer to me than they proved to actually be once my marriage fell apart. Only one person from my now former church followed up with me after I left (because he chose to stay, and they all chose to let him, in spite of some knowing the true story behind what he did and the lies he continually told and tells). Even the pastor knew what’s he’s done and accepts him there, which makes me think of an old expression “The fish stinks from the head down.”

        I think it’s particularly disconcerting because those of us in rotten marriages began to slowly recognize what was going on, but our friends and family (church family in particular) were those we thought would believe us and stand by us, yet…. many weren’t. I thank God for this blog. The blessing of being able to share what has happened with people who right away understand and believe our testimonies is priceless and of great comfort.

      3. Losing friends is difficult to overcome. As one goes through life they become fewer and fewer. I kept telling myself “I could not lose something that I never had.”

      4. NoMoreTears,

        “I could not lose something that I never had.”

        That’s very helpful at this time, as I keep revisiting in my mind recent conversations (and some lack of same) at my former church, pondering why people don’t seem to care that I left or why. No one seems particularly interested in what happened to my child and me, and among those who know, most seem more interested in justifying themselves. It niggles at me, and I wish it didn’t. It’s helpful to consider that I can’t really lose what I never had (or merely thought I had). I suppose it’s the same with respect to the marriage. Both realizations are hard, in different ways.

      5. “One cannot lose what one has never had.” This was my band aid to deal with the hurt of losing someone who, I thought, was my friend. But those are the hard knocks of life. It makes one want to build a wall around one’s heart so we won’t get hurt and let in only those who have proven to be true.

      6. StillReforming – I empathize with you! My H also remained in the church we used to both attend. You know, I’ve come to understand that those close to us we naturally expect to stand by us, well they actually profit from the situation, and the abuser just has to come and reap them. All along some of them disagreed with us on some issue, or disliked a character trait, or had a grudge, or envy, etc. but never honestly approached us each time to make things right.
        Then when our abuser comes along, observes in view of recruiting allies, he knows exactly what to say to go along with them and win their sympathy against us the victims. They then have an awakening about us, but a counterfeit one -similar to Eve regarding God supposedly withholding some good things from her and Adam- which reinforces and twists their grudge or issues towards us. The true awakening should have been about their failing in dealing with their own issues and also the abuse we suffered, the abusive tactics of the abuser. This is exactly what happened with my childhood friend. 😦

        NoMoreTears -You say “It makes one want to build a wall around one’s heart so we won’t get hurt and let in only those who have proven to be true.” This is where I am at the moment. These past weeks have brought much hurt and I’ve come to the conclusion that at this time it’s safer to be in touch with the very few true friends and leave it at that. It is a time to be closer to God ever. I find much solace on this blog and I am so grateful!

      7. Dear Innoscent! I feel your pain for I have been there many times. Yes, do draw closer to God and stay close to those whom you can trust. At times like these, we have no energy to waste on people who want to hurt us or are negative all the time. These people can take all the hope and energy away from us. We need to build up our strength, stay in the positive. Quite often I seek solitude and nature to comfort my broken heart and … of course … those few friends we may have left.

      8. Whenever the world seems too dark and you need to find your place in this life, treat yourself … whether to read, watch a movie or have a good meal … do something you enjoy. It keeps the darkness away. Then I usually go to bed early to get some rest to start the new day with replenished hope and zest. May God bless you!

  8. Innoscent – “No matter what victims do or say they can never win. Thank God Who knows where the truth is.” AMEN!
    I know the sting of betrayal from those whom at first made me feel I could confide and trust in them. Much of it is spiritual b/c although they “feel” badly for my situation; they also will not listen to sound Biblical teaching concerning some of the mystical ‘stuff’ entering the church. As soon as they sense my non-condoning stature on some of their beliefs, well, now, they know why I have marital problems.
    Meanwhile, my emotionally abusive H is considered a very nice, quiet, likeable guy and must obviously be a Christian b/c although he knows ‘the truth’ he will not speak out against heresy 😦

    1. HealinginHim -Exactly!! I’ve been experiencing the same you described so well. Isn’t it awful that whether the victim speaks up about the H abuse or other topics not necessarily related, she is denied a voice, the right to an opinion, and everything she says has no bearing, no validity. 😦 She is perceived as ‘critical’, ‘unbalanced’, ‘judgmental’… etc.

      1. Innoscent – “She is perceived as ‘critical’, ‘unbalanced’, ‘judgmental’… etc.”
        I dare say you have stated my testimony, again. Sadly, I must confess it would appear that I am unbalanced because I’m not following the crowd.
        I continue to thank God for His infallible Word and His promises even though everyone else forsakes me. My grief lies also in the fact that there are so many facing such oppression. What a wonderful Savior that we can each come humbly before Him in prayer for one another.

      2. You would not believe it, when my ex-husband and I were in a bible study and I wanted to speak up about a subject, he tried to put his hand on my mouth … I was denied to have my own opinion.

      3. when my ex-husband and I were in a bible study and I wanted to speak up about a subject, he tried to put his hand on my mouth

        That is very overt abuse! How entitled (male privileged) he must have felt to have done that in public! How did the other people in the Bible study respond?

      4. Barbara, it had happened quite a few times when my ex-husband did not want for me to verbally respond and he moved his hand towards my face. In general, people did not say anything to me. There were a few times when I asked one of the women if she had seen what had happened and the woman confirmed it without making any comments. One time, however, I had asked the wife of an elder and she told me that if her husband were to do this to her, she would have given him hell. At times, it seemed to me that the reason of his behavior was jealousy. He did not want for me to get all the attention. As a matter of fact, I strongly believe that the reason he did his bible studies so diligently was “to shine.” He usually seemed to enjoy to put me down for not having been as diligent. What a hypocrite!

        I did not find out until several years into my marriage that he was addicted to sex. What was good today, would no longer be exciting tomorrow. So you can imagine, there was never fulfillment. My 32 years of marriage was a nightmare.

        I wonder how many abusers have addictions? I believe that he was able to transfer his addictive behavior onto other subjects, like religion… obsessive-compulsive!

        He also had the audacity to tell me years after we got married that what he saw in me was just something to hang over his arm, unfortunately.

      5. I can confirm, from my own messed up life, that some addicts can transfer their addictions to other things (and then transfer back again if it seems appropriate). I was addicted to bulimia in my teens, swapped to promiscuity and illicit drugs, then, while giving up the drugs, I switched to mainly alcohol, then years later reverted to bulimia so badly I became suicidal, then the abusive marriage happened and I didn’t slip into overeating much during that time but was fearful that the bulimia would come back if I left him. When I left him I started walking as a Christian (having been born again years before) and have been on the whole free of addicitive behaviour since then, though the risk of bulimia will never be gone entirely gone for me, because I practised it so much over many years. . .

      6. Barbara, I am truly sorry for you to have experienced all this … we all have these sorrows to carry … it is great to have found this site to share and to know we are not alone. Blessings to you.

      7. One time, however, I had asked the wife of an elder and she told me that if her husband were to do this to her, she would have given him hell.

        And it is women like that (the elder’s wife) who tend to imply scathingly that victims of domestic abuse are fools for putting up with it. Just because in their marriages it is safe for them to strongly admonish their husbands if the husband does something out of line, they think it’s the same in other marriages. They have no idea.

      8. HealinginHim – “I continue to thank God for His infallible Word and His promises even though everyone else forsakes me.” Yes!! One day I told the Lord that if I were abandoned by anybody and everybody then Amen! He has never failed His faithful believers and never will. Too many follow the crowd but the Lord told us that small is the gate and narrow the road.
        Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It is a traumatic time to have just lost my childhood friend, and Jeff’s reminder is so timely. Our God keeps us in His embrace.

        NoMoreTears – It is appalling that among those who noticed your H deliberately shutting you up none intervened. 😦 That woman who witnessed it, she is confident to come up with a different scenario for herself and her H, well she should have demonstrated that for you there and then! I agree with Barbara, she was just bragging and actually putting you down by implying ‘why can’t you do that yourself’. People compare situations all the while remaining neutral and and reason wrongly when they are not educating themselves abuse and its evil dynamics.
        One particular time my H bluntly refused to go to church because at the Bible study I liked to share and expose the truth about topics discussed. He hated it that I could express myself freely and the fact that some of the things I said went against his abusive ways!

        Barbara- I thank God for healing your traumas. Your testimony is such an encouragement to me! I had severe sugar addiction early in my life and for a long time with many repercussions and played with diets and anorexia for a couple years that made things worse. The Lord healed me over many years and this whole experience actually opened a whole field of healthy living.

      9. Looking back at this particular day I commented on, there was another incident that had occurred. As I sat down next to a friend to discuss something, X pointed his finger to the chair next to him on the opposite side of the room (which seemed just like a “come command” for a dog). I remained on the opposite side for the duration of the meeting
        (… what a stubborn dog not following her master’s command).

  9. Pastor Crippen,

    Thank you for opening your heart and sharing with us your insight on “abandonment.” I had experienced it as a child when my parents were trying so hard to survive the after effects of World War II in Austria. There was no time for us children. My brother and I played on the streets among bombed-out buildings. This was our play ground.

    Growing up, I believed in the fairy tale of getting married and live happily ever after. Well, this did not happen either. There was always the threat of abandonment hanging over my head. I never knew when the ax was going to fall. Consequently, one lives in constant fear of “how to survive” when it happens. Trying to get one’s ducks in a row before it happens.

    A strange thing happened to me during these times of having no-one yo trust or speak to.
    I went to a small local zoo and talked to the animals. I did not have any pets then but I felt the loneliness of these caged animals.

    There was this little monkey who had been turned over to the zoo since his owner could no longer take care of him. He looked so forlorn in his cage. I put my hand into the cage, his little fingers closed around my hand and he placed his head into its fold. He actually fell asleep and I was afraid to move so he would not wake up. He held my hand for 1 / 2 of an hour.

    For the longest time I did not understand why I kept picking up all the stray dogs and cats, trying to help them. It finally came to me … I felt their abandonment as I had felt mine.

    I did not know then the scriptures you quoted who would have comforted me.
    I am thankful that I know them now and have Jesus in my heart. I take comfort in not being alone.

    1. NoMoreTears, thank you for sharing how you cared for the animals; it is so touching. Can’t even imagine living through a war and it’s aftermath.

    2. NoMoreTears – You probably know the Lord who is the God of all comfort better than most Christians, all for the hard experiences and years you have gone through in your life. I mentioned in the sermon today (which was on the same subject as this blog post) that we even feel the sorrow of abandonment when we see an animal abandoned. Animals, especially domestic animals, are really totally dependent upon their masters for food and shelter and care. It really shows us the extent of wickedness in an abuser’s heart in that many abusers abuse animals too. Your experience with the monkey also shows how pets can often be a source of healing for victims – this must be the explanation of what are called “service” animals used for PTSD sufferers and others. Thank you very, very much for sharing your story.

  10. I was adopted at birth…I was sexually abused as a child for many years… I have been abandoned throughout my life as I’ve struggled to deal with my past and the most recent abandonment coming to realize the abuse I have suffered in my marriage.

    My faith is not in good shape. I struggle to see God in what I have experienced, especially in recent years when I have given my everything to my husband and to God. My heart … my all.

    At this time some of my children are saying some terrible things.. they have abandoned me.. threatening to stop me from seeing my grandchild if I leave….and saying they will not be having a relationship with me anymore. Some friends have abandoned me ..

    This is one of the most difficult things to deal with… rejection, unbelief and abandonment when people that are close to me know a lot of the pain I have suffered in my lifetime.

    I’m sorry but I cannot be positive just now … I feel so alone … so damaged and so angry. I feel God hadn’t left me but I am struggling like I have never struggled before

    1. Hearing you Loves6. It’s heartbreaking all you have been through and continue to experience. I’m so sorry your children have been duped by your husband.

      I have experienced some of the most heart wrenching abandonment from family, a church, and friends. They know my situation, but have not wanted to be involved, believed the ant-husband, or are too busy with their lives. So much loneliness. I’m thankful for Pastor Crippen, Barbara, and everyone who posts here, it’s been a gift to find the group. This is where I hangout.

      Hugs to you Loves6,


    2. loves6 – Your struggling faith is something Christians experience. All we need do to know that is read the Psalms. Or Job. To put on a “positive face” would not be true to what you are living right now. 2 Cor 1 – the God of all Comfort.

  11. Jeff, This is a beautiful and spiritually profound post. I read it three times and shared it with friends who have thanked me for it. Although you write so many insightful posts, I think this one to be in the category of the best of the best.

    1. Thank you for your encouragement, persistentwidow. It really is a tremendously encouraging doctrine.

  12. I don’t think I will ever forget these Scripture verses you used to help me when I was lost in the abandonment and abuse and felt so alone. I have clung to them and for a period of time when my own words failed me, I just kept uttering thanks to God for His words, that He would never leave nor forsake me – or my children.

    Something triggered me yesterday, and I started remembering the darkness. The abandonment. The fear. The weakness. The torment. The wondering.

    I remembered way back when, getting your book and reading – slowly hanging onto every Scripture verse, word and description of my life that lay within those pages. I think sometimes it is easy to forget that those like you, who are standing for righteousness and truth and defending victims of abuse, suffer their own abuse and rejection, often by those who profess Christ but are not willing to stand for Him. So thank you for being faithful to God to feed His sheep and care for the widows and orphans. Timely post.

    1. IamMyB’s – Thank you very much! Your encouragement and story and others like yours are what keep us going. You all verify and validate that the things we have learned and write about are indeed Christ’s truth (of course we flub up sometimes too, but then you all let us know!). Think about it. If what we teach on this blog and what we have written about in our books were NOT in agreement with Christ’s Word, then it simply would not resonate with you all who know Christ, are indwelt by His Spirit, and are able to hear His voice. But we we find, as you know, is that the things we are saying about divorce and marriage and abuse and so on is so often like cool water to the oppressed and it “clicks” with them as truth. That has to be Christ leading us. There is no other explanation.

      1. Yes and amen. I once had a close Christian brother of mine say that the Spirit in us is what binds us. He said if we were all in a big room along with the abusers and false professors, wolves, etc., that at some point, all the true believers would congregate and be standing together, because the Spirit in each of us would find each other. That is what it is like here –

  13. Where are we to turn but to the Lord? He who has the Words of life and loved us enough to receive that beating, ridicule and nails in his hands. None but Jesus is a very present help in times of trouble. I would not be alive if I hadn’t looked to the Lord. Yet, the last therapist, I ever saw told me that this belief was a religious delusion and that taking God too seriously wasn’t healthy. That was the day I was done with mental health at last never to return and instead began to run hard after the Lord. He will never label me anything but loved child.

  14. These comments continue to bless and affirm me as they come in. I have really linked my fear of abandonment to a lot of issues, in my life. Not the least of which is setting boundaries. I used to NOT set boundaries because of my fear of abandonment. Just knowing that has healed this area in my life in tremendous ways!

  15. Hey yeah guess what? In a very short period of time even my close friends turned on me. Talked to others via the good ol’ prayer request avenue instead of respecting my privacy. Talk of town over here. It’s no wonder the pastor’s wife won’t speak out about his abuse. It’s fight it alone or pretend it’s your fault and stay in a fake world with fake bodies around you. But at least you can stay on top and feel good about yourself because they’ll be some church members to step on – that are being abused. You can lay guilt on them for not wanting to dish out their details to you against their best interest. But hey you’re the pastor’s wife so you’re auto-qualified to nag until someone gives in. And ask me why I confide in my mom because she’s the same she’s always been. She has character traits like XH. Same crazy-making stuff since I was a kid. Lies to cover her butt. Entitlement – it’s ok to lie if it’s to keep you out of trouble.

    So the reality is most people (all so far in my case) want to keep you down somehow. And forbid that you should have a boundary because their true colors come out fast! They may listen or empathize then in an instant turn on you when you tell them about others blaming you etc etc. You bring up blaming things or rude things they’ve said and they defend all the way.

    Apparently the intensity of the emotion I go through is extremely offensive to people or so I hear. People who can’t hear the truth, that is. I’m learning to keep my mouth shut, don’t look back, stay educated about abuse (even tho I hate the reality of it) and don’t let people see your emotions because they’ll turn on you or feel bad and try to patch it up for themselves bc you know bad vibes are too heavy to walk around with. It’s a matter of survival now. You think because someone empathizes with you and because they’ve gone through this abuse themselves and are willing to help and do help in some ways, that they’ll not turn on you. Like when you have a boundary with them or when you ask them for help and they dance around it and won’t be direct about a yes or no and instead they make excuses. Excuses that you have the answers for yet more bs reasons come out. And you’re faced with … well I just told this person everything because they were totally on board and now I’m getting lies from them and defensiveness when I have my first favor to ask or an appropriate boundary about something.

    I don’t know if there’s an honest person out there. I mean integrity, privacy, respect, non entitlement, non manipulative, non abusive, honesty, etc. Come on!

    What’s wrong is right and what’s right is wrong, so turn on them who fight for truth and reality instead.

    How about take it to God – release it all to Him – just don’t bother me with your emotions because I’m really offended by your anger at the disgusting injustice in your life . Ha! How about I haven’t even called these friends all that much. I called during the physical abuse and shortly afterward.

    I’m sick of everyone’s theory of how satan works, of how the Holy Spirit works about how prayer works, how God works but NO ONE STANDS UP FOR THE TRUTH. All this talk about how how how and I don’t care anymore! I’ve seen so much flattery and theory and hear so many words words words in the church. Everyone has an answer and everyone acts like they’re God somehow. To tell you the truth I don’t know the last time I’ve seen a humble person in church. Everybody knows everything anymore. It’s like church is its own school. Anyone can know the basics and be an expert. Anyone can be a minister now too I’ve heard.

    I’ve trusted others so naively and it’s time to take a BIG step back. My life IS important and valuable and I’m not one thing that the abuser called me. Not one of those things. It’s time NOT to be impressed by others, their words or theirs acts. Anyone can out on a show. I for one am withdrawing from the production for the rest of my life. You’re not honest, you’re entitled and attack when being confronted, you gossip, you lie steal or cheat, you hate women, you say you love God but have no consience, you know the bible like the ABCs, etc etc…no thanks. not impressed.

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