‘Niceness’ to the victim is almost always a sign of false repentance. It is a bribe offered to dupe and buy off the victim’s insistence upon fruits of real repentance. It is a facade. It is a kind of inappropriate ‘payment’ made, but it is not graciously given. It expects and demands something in return — usually, forgiveness or denial or dropping demands for real consequences. ‘Niceness’ really means nothing. What is required is REAL fruit, REAL repentance that is appropriate and fitting to the nature of the abuse suffered.
(Ps Crippen, Sermon — The Deception of the Abuser, August 22, 2010)
***
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
A Cry For Justice 
During my Bible study this morning I read the following quote.
“It is only the penitent soul that God will accept, the heart that is broken, not the head that is bowed down like a bulrush only for a day, David’s repentance, not Ahab’s.”
Matthew Henry Commentary on Ecclesiasties
[Editors note: Readers, please note taht this comment is not by Barbara Roberts but by ‘Abideinhim’. We are not sure why Barb’s photo is showing up with this reader’s screen name.]
Someone close to my situation had an interesting insight. He looked at my stbx as having multiple personas – the spiritual, the sugary sweet, the enraged. Until they all meld into one person with a consistent personality, there is no true repentance. The spiritual side may have made a confession of faith, but how real is it if he won’t let each persona be controlled by the spirit? He just chooses which persona to be in whatever situation he is in. I saw this in him years ago, and could never understand (and still can’t) how one head could be behave in so many different opposing ways. I’m me wherever I go, and I can’t put on another “me” just because I am somewhere else. I had better leave this thought before I get a “splitting” headache.
a double (or triple) minded man is unstable in all his ways
It is not sufficient to confess, to stop behaving badly, or even to start behaving well. True repentance must also include restitution. While the evildoer may have satisfied his moral obligations once he has rendered eye for eye and tooth for tooth, as it were, he is not thereby entitled to demand restoration of relationship (or anything else). The predator’s target gets to decide to what extent and on what terms relationship is to be restored, if at all. In most instances, I suggest, it will be best not to risk being fooled again.
I was fooled for the second time. My stbx manipulated me into dropping everything only to re-file everything within weeks of me dropping everything. He twisted everything to say he is the victim. He still continues to harrass me through his attorney! This is the man I FORGAVE / FORGIVE…come to think of it. He has never said he has forgiven me.
I could go on and on for days!! But, Pastor Jeff is right, “It expects and demands something in return — usually, forgiveness or denial or dropping demands for real consequences.” This fits my stbx to a ‘T’!
I second that motion!
Ugh. My “father” has been overbearingly nice to us kids throughout the divorce– sending us expensive presents, lovey-dovey-spiritual letters, etc. frankly, I would rather have the satisfaction of his hatred. If only I could make him hate me as much as I hate him!
The “nice” is super traumatizing. I am about to turn 18, and am dreading his response. He’s really good at Christianese, so it will be something about what a wonderful young lady God has made me, how proud my ever-sacrificing “dad” is of me, etc. shudder. The waiting is brining back nightmares that I haven’t had since we moved out of his house.
I hate this. I wish he would devolve into an iguana or something.
Harlequin Tabby,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Most likely your dad’s actions are to gain your allegiance, which it appears you are opposed to. I don’t know what happened in your family, but it must have been unpleasant for you to have nightmares. I know what that is like. Turning 18 is a big hurdle for a young woman and you should be allowed to enjoy it without the drama. You have come to a good place for support. I hope that you also have friends and family that you can talk to?
Brenda
Dear HT: I am so sorry for your trauma, yet I am struck by your clarity about what he is doing. I am sorry you are having nightmares. Since you will soon be 18, will you then be able to refuse his attempts to contact you? Will you legally be able to erect boundaries that will protect your heart & life (and even your sleep?) I will pray for you. This is terribly hard for any of us, but especially at your age.
Harlequin Tabby – I am the mother of a daughter not much older than you who has gone through the exact same thing (along with all her siblings). It is heart-breaking. Our law allows a child to make the decision to go no contact after the age of 12, so she has done that, but every time he comes to the house to pick up a younger sibling, just knowing he is there has her stomach in knots.
Ex likes to pet the younger ones on the head like they were a puppy while waiting for them to agree (like they have a choice) to whatever he wants (more time with them), spends hundreds on dates while we don’t even have enough money for groceries, and always refers to himself as “daddy” even to the adults, who find it very condescending, and yes, some also get the lovey-dovey spiritual letters and forwards of devotionals he gets. He talks to all of them, even the 23 year old, in a sickening sugary sweet voice like they were toddlers. And he “loves” them all so very, very, very much and doesn’t understand why mommy is doing this, (even though he’s the one who left) and believe me, he has the Christianese perfected, as you know they can do.
I wish I could help, but I hurt with you, and pray you can find a way through this difficult time. I can only get through all the pain I feel personally and for my children by keeping my eyes on Christ, who will make all things right some day. The verse God gave me was from Psalm 23 – Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Also, He does set us at a table in the midst of our enemies, but though they can yap and howl and snap all around us, they cannot have a seat at that table, and we are perfectly safe in His care.
Talking down seems like a staple of these guys. They all do it, but only to those they are controlling. My “dad” has his own business teaching companies how to do webinars, and be assured that he does NOT talk down to his clients. They know exactly what they are doing.
Yes! I know! We would be living in a shelter if a very kind friend of Mom’s weren’t paying our rent. “Dad” is also getting away with paying way less support than he should– claiming he earned less than half of what he did. This from an internationally recognized expert in his field, who always insisted that he would deliver pizzas to help us stay afloat. Even if the family split up. So much for “I’m taking care of you.”
Being married to a “nice” abuser is, imo, the most difficult of marriages. What they present to anyone not actually living in the home is a complete falsehood — a facade they are patently aware of and diligently work to maintain to others, all the while seeking to discredit the one person — you — who can unmask them.
Thank you to all, this post and these comments could not have been more timely. This type of “kindness” is being given but I have had suspicions of its genuineness. Without all of your amazing wisdom and love that is poured into this blog I would be cycled back into the abuse and not breaking free.
This is becoming a very meaningful Easter!
Discerning whether said repentance by my h is true or real is right where I’m at now.. so forgive me if I seem contrary but I need to get it sorted!! Jeff said
‘Niceness’ to the victim is almost always a sign of false repentance.
It seems like we are saying damned if you do / damned if you don’t… if my h was making genuine signs of repentance wouldn’t I want nice or good / kind behaviour?..it’s unrealistic to think that anyone will be repentant and not be behaving ‘nice’.
I agree ‘niceness’ on it’s own does not prove anything…
Jeff wrote
Can anyone give e.g.s of this fruit? because eg my husband constantly criticised me.. now he is saying positive things.. but that could be a sham too.. how is one ever to know? Is it simply the passage of time? and how much time would be enough?
e.g. my husband was obsessed with sex and oversexualised me and everything… what would the fruit of repentance look like there? Intimacy requires getting close, when would one feel safe enough or feel like there had actually been genuine repentance/change to even risk finding out?
Is there ever a place for a ‘leap of faith’ in trusting that repentance is genuine? Under what circumstances?
also
I’d love to hear if anyone has had a ‘success’ story, where you found out repentance is genuine.. does it happen?
Hi SavedbyGrace, you may find this post helpful:
Checklist for Repentance
Regarding ‘success stories’ I have heard or read a few stories from women who say their husband really changed. A few, very few, but they do seem to exist. Of those I have heard, I guess my personal opinion is that some of the husbands seemed to change for a while but then backslid and stayed backslidden (and became even more entrenched in abuse than before); and some have changed but have to keep working on it for the rest of their lives (some of these accounts involve the man attending a mens’ behaviour change group long term).
And some changed in that they quit using physical violence but didn’t quit the emotional and psychological abuse and didn’t quit being selfish in the marriage. In one case I know personally the man quit being violent but years later he realised (because his second wife complained about it) that he was still being very selfish overall. So of his own free will he undertook heaps more counseling which eventually took him back to the trauma of his childhood. Point being: it was a VERY LONG and ARDUOUS work for him, and took years to uncover all the roots of it.
Note: I do not mean any of our readers to infer that all abusers were traumatised in their childhoods, because that is not the case; furthermore, being traumatized in childhood doesn’t cause a boy to become an abuser in adulthood. According to Lundy Bancroft, the research shows that what DOES relate to becoming an abuser is if a boy witnessed his father abusing his mother and TOOK ON his father’s belief system — that ‘women have less rights than men’ that ‘women are here to serve men’ etc.
Thanks Barbara- yes I have read the checklist and also the links on this post are helpful too.. I appreciate your thoughtful reply.. I guess one of the things I could take from your comment is that if repentance is quick and easy that could be a red flag?
knowing it in my head and applying it in my life are 2 different things..
another point: for men to truly change they must decide they want to be non-abusive even though that means they will be giving up their privileges. According to Lundy Bancroft (see link in my commment above) most men who start changing backslide when they realise that being non-abusive means they have to give up their privileges.
SavedbyGrace,
I used to ask the same questions.
Because of my experience, I can now say that I would not want “nice” behavior. Anyone who is repentant may behave well, but someone can also behave nicely without being repentant. Put another way, if you’re a police officer, you will be wearing a uniform but you can also be wearing a uniform without being a police officer. You could be someone wanting to impersonate a police officer.
In my opinion, only time will tell if behaviors match words. The longer the duration of time, the better. Lundy Bancroft says that true repentance is marked by an undemanding attitude that restrains from pressuring the victim for forgiveness and reconciliation. A repentant person would not be concerned about whether his/her new behaviors are noticed and acknowledged. In fact, he/she would understand if others are suspicious and would be concerned if victims started trusting again too quickly.
Niceness usually lasts about a minute and then they’re onto the next abusive thing. When one thing doesn’t work something else just might. The closest thing that I saw that was close to real fruit was the waxed kind in the fake fruit bowl.
Amen to Thursday’s Thought.
— There’s the ugly truth behind the beautiful lie!
I’ve experienced his “niceness” as being forced with an undercurrent of anger.
Such a good post. Thank you.
Brenda R,
I talk to my mom, mostly. Talking to my friends is worse than useless; they are apparently incapable of understanding what it’s like to be gaslighted for the first 17 years of one’s life. Not that that’s really their fault, but they act like they get it, and talk down to me accordingly. But my mom gets it (!), and she and I have always been extremely close.
StandsWithAFist,
I fully intend to tell him to back off. I have been waiting until my birthday so that Mom can’t be held responsible for “turning me against him.” As if he needed any help. But until the divorce is settled, she can’t do anything that might look “vindictive.” So we’ve tried our best to ignore him. I won’t have to see him at all if the divorce isn’t settled before my birthday.
I do have clarity about him. About ten months ago Mom and I read Lundy Bancroft’s book on abusers in tandem. It cleared up a lot of things. I was also gifted with extreme objectivity, logic and observational skills, and the ability to draw parallels and make extrapolations. Combined, my abilities and experiences allow (or force!) me to recognize narcissists and abusers almost instantaneously, follow their trains of thought accurately, predict their behavior, decode their subliminal messages, etc. I even learned, by accident, how to manipulate people quite masterfully.
I guess all that is just a very long way of saying that the narcissist is not unpredictable to me anymore, and therefore a lot less frightening. I thank God every day for making me autistic. It saved me from a lot of pain. My nightmares now are mostly about trying desperately to inflict pain on some evil person, and failing. But I always get chased by the police anyways.
HT,
You are a very mature young woman. I have no doubt that you have all of your ducks in a row and are capable of handling the situation well with your dad. I doubt he knows who he is dealing with, an informed, competent woman. You already know all of the red flags. Most girls your age don’t have a clue or they think what they have lived through is “normal”. That was me. I pray the best for both you and your mom. God is on your side.
Harlequin Tabby, maybe one day you will start a blog for Christian children, teens and young adults who grew up under an abusive parent.
I think that would be a vauable ministry. 🙂
I have actually thought about that. I have seen lots of support for the wives / mothers, but no one seems to think about the children much. I wish there was something like that right now, but I definitely don’t have the stamina to start a blog currently.
It’s so hard knowing that there are other young people out there with similar experiences, and having no way of talking with them. Maybe someday!
Harlequin Tabby, I fully get that you don’t have the energy at the moment to embark on a project like that. I think that’s a wise assessment. Tucking it in your back pocket as an idea (and letting God show you when and how to pull it out again) is the way to go, I think. 🙂
Before starting a project of that nature, it’s sometimes a good idea to research the field to see “what’s out there” — what is being done by others? I’ve not come across such sites for that age group which are specifically Christian, but there are sites for that age group which are for anyone (of no particular faith). You might like to have a look at What’s OK At Home [What’s OK At Home used to be called Bursting the Bubble. Editors.], for example, to see how they do it. But no rush! Only when you feel you have the time and energy!
I have just experienced a very bad sexual abuse episode involving my husband that triggered a very bad PTSD trigger of anxiety dizzy spells and severe heart palpitations.
After the event my husband is very nice, touchy and “loving”. I am numb. I hate is syrupy niceness. I hate it … it’s insincere and ugly.
There is no love as much as says he loves he is a liar. He is deceived.
What he has done to me in the recent situation is not lovemaking but him fulfilling his disgusting fantasies and using me like an object. He lies next to me asleep tonight … in a hotel … after treating me like a prostitute.
My husband has been waking me up iunit the early hours of the morning this past few weeks. …to talk about our relationship. He is like a tormented soul that cannot rest. Then the next day or so he is so nice.
I’m dead emotionally. I cannot cry. I am numb. I am so so so unhappy.
I know I should move out. I just have to get to that point of ENOUGH
The next time you are triggered, try something called “strong sit.” It’s typically used in counseling with severe anxiety issues. It is a body position which interrupts the anxiety pathways in the brain and helps reset everything back at normal. It might help clear your mind and consolidate your thoughts, enabling you to make healthy, rational decisions even when he is trying to scramble you.
Sit on a comfortable mat or rug, cross-legged, back straight. Make sure your chest / lungs are open, not caved in– it will disrupt the oxygen flow to the brain if you slouch.
This next part is hard to describe. If I don’t make sense, you might want to look at some pictures: search “strong sit therapy.”
Hold your arms out in front of you, palms inward, then twist them and clasp your hands together backwards, so that each palm is facing the opposite way from before. Bring your clasped hands under, towards your torso, and rotate them upwards until your hands are under your chin. Sit in this position, without moving, until your brain resets. You can use this time to plan, pray, dream, cry, or whatever.
One more thing: you should pick a location that is quiet and free from distractions. You might consider going to a park if your house feels emotionally unsafe. If your husband asks, you could tell him it’s a relaxation technique or something. May God go with you all the way.
Thank you….you made sense. I will try this. Yesterday was severe. I thought I was going to pass out. I was so scared because I wasn’t at home. Every time I thought of the event in the night my heart would start pounding.
Thanks again
This is something that seems to help with PTSD or anxiety. Taking deep breaths and praying helps a great deal.
We have had a message from a reader to alert us about the ‘strong sit’ practice.
As a caveat and in duty of care for our readers, we are sharing it here:
Harlequin Tabby, please do not take this as an admonishment of you — I’m sure you did not know the practice has those associations. I had never heard of the ‘strong sit’ before I saw your comment, and I tried the posture and could see how it might help calm intense emotions.
Bless you HT, and thanks to the reader who sent us the message about her google search. I hope I have not offended anyone.
I have seen Strong Sitting recommended to help kids relax and help the different sides of their brains process input better. I will follow up by talking to an OT, but it is my understanding that this is just a basic crossing the mid-line activity. Parents and caregivers of kids with traumatic backgrounds or who have other processing challenges utilize this often. It isn’t punishment, just a calming brain exercise.
Loves6 – I hurt for you and shall pray because what you have described is very much what I have lived through. Feeling like a prostitute while many around you think he is just the nicest and most faithful guy “in town” … it is a lie and I continue to pray for God’s strength to move on.
Dear loves6,
What you just described is so heart breaking. My heart cries out to the Lord on your behalf.
Loves6,
We understand your anguish.. My heart breaks for you! LIfting you up in prayer!
Dear Loves6,
Even if you don’t leave just yet, you can prepare to. Talk to a local Domestic Violence counselor, start putting aside some money, slowly remove clothing, and a dish here, a fork there, etc… (so you don’t have to start from scratch having to buy household items) and any items you don’t want to have leave behind, gather important documents: your birth certificate, wedding license, social security card, copies of tax returns and bills, write down every bank account #, investment account #, insurance account #, and his social security number (place all in a sealed envelope) and put in a safe deposit at the bank or ask a WELL trusted friend to hold onto them for you.
Many times when we say we are leaving they will destroy important papers and belongings to make it harder to do so.
Preparing may give you a glimpse of hope, just enough that you can see yourself saying “ENOUGH”.
Lisa thank you. I have saved $1,000 so far. I’m slowly getting things for myself I need such as personal effects.
Your advice was very helpful. I have all my papers I just have to get my passport renewed.
Dear Loves6
What point would be ‘enough’?
Are you in danger of setting it so high that you become almost unable to take action because you are so worn down?
Sorry if those questions are too confronting. I don’t mean to push you; I’m only wanting to help you think it through
And I know that when one is numb and PTSD-triggered by major recent sexual abuse it is very hard to think.
But I believe in you. And I know God is beside you and will be prompting you as He, in His wondrous compassion and omniscience, knows best. I will continue to pray. Many hugs.
I actually am at the place I think. I am exhausted and worn down. The doctor has upped my antidepressants due to my anxiety getting worse. He has been waking me up in the early hours of the morning the past few weeks to discuss our relationship.
One of my older children spoke to me during the week about how I have to start taking a stand with my husband’s behaviour. He said that my husband acts like a little boy and throws tantrums. He said a lot more but I was shocked at his insight. Some of his insight was wrong but recent counseling he has had has opened his eyes to some of his ways and he sees he is like his dad at times.
I am triggered. Today I feel sick and I feel so alone. My husband is being so nice and I’m unresponsive and hardly saying a word. We have had nights at hotels before with him but he has never ever taken things to the extreme he did yesterday …. I’m in shock and feeling like I used after the abuse I suffered as a child.
My husband is getting worse. The scripture that came to me this morning was “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” I can honestly say before God today that I would never ever say the things my husband says to me when having intimacy. I would never speak about a third person or a third and fourth person. I know I was abused yesterday and I’m afraid it is the last straw.
I’m going to have to do something about it ….. My son said to me the other day … Dad better watch it or he is going to be very alone and will lose you. My son knows nothing that’s been going on. He just knows his dad is an angry man and that no one but his family know it.
Thanks Barb… Your comment is not confronting x
Thank you Barbara, for asking the question, “what point would be ‘enough’? “.
That is a such a good tool for all of us. I learned the hard way to go even a little further with that thought & ask “how much ‘evil’ is okay?”
Obviously, the answer is “none”. None.
Yet we rarely give ourselves permission to view it that way, and those who deny abuse altogether would never call it evil.
Instead, we are told repeatedly to be loving, forgiving, blah blah blah.
Yet Jesus never excused abuse and He called it what it is: evil. We are told to expose it, to flee it, to remove it….not to accept it or call it PC names.
Just sayin’.
FWIW, the best I tell, it is a crime in all 50 U.S. states to rape one’s wife. Though laws will vary as to particulars, all non-consensual sex is rape. The extent to which this fact has practical significance likely depends on the degree to which law enforcement and prosecuting attorneys in a given jurisdiction take wife rape seriously. In my own U.S. state the law itself appears to make no distinction between rape by a husband and rape by a stranger. A domestic safety resource center should be able to provide information and guidance. Even if it is decided not to report past incidences, I suggest that it would be useful to be forearmed with information as to what could be done, and the best way of doing it, in terms of reporting future sex crimes.
As to the question of moving out, it does not seem just that it should be the target who is compelled to move. A domestic safety resource center may be able to suggest strategies on how best to compel the perpetrator to leave. Where I live, if criminal proceedings are initiated, there would be an automatic protection order, as part of the criminal proceedings, that would have the effect of compelling the perpetrator to move. It would also be possible to apply for a civil protection order. Again, results will tend to vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, and even from judge to judge.
It will be noticed that I keep referring to domestic safety resource centers. Even understanding pastors will tend to be in over their heads on these sorts of things. While there may be rare exceptions, the best rule is that one should NEVER EVER approach the perp’s pastor, even if s/he is also your own pastor.
Loves6, I feel so outraged that you have to put up with this treatment! Sending you a big hug, if you want it. As part of my ‘preparations’ list, I decided I would make police report of all major incidents. Sometimes I phoned in the moment and was able to get a police presence. This was very useful in several ways: for working toward an intervention order; for increasing my confidence in my decisions in general; for setting some strong boundaries with a person (antihusband) who typically does not respect my boundaries but does take some notice of the law; and just for a listening ear – it was very validating so have some who BELIEVED me!! Have you thought about making a police report of these terribly abusive incidents? Disturbing your sleep is also a form of physical abuse. Maybe one of your adult children could go with you for support? Or maybe you have already done so. Gary W has some good points and it may be the case that the police can act on illegal behaviour. I am happy for you to email privately if you prefer. If that’s allowed, I’m not sure? I understand that it’s very private and personal information and not expecting you to answer. Just putting it out there for what it’s worth. I admire your courage in speaking out as you have!!
Dear Loves6 my heart and prayers go out to you… our children can be very wise can’t they?.. God used the observations of my adult daughter and the freedom she still had to express outrage and defiance to help me ‘see’ things as they really were and feel legitimate outrage at my treatment by my husband. I know it is a hard step to leave, -for me I realised that staying was rapidly not becoming a safe or livable option, because of escalating behaviour. eg I am imagining your h would not respond well to a perfectly reasonable boundary around your sleep needs and when you can be available for discussions. It is not OK that he wakes you for these talks!
Another thing I’ve learned is that my body is my friend — these symptoms are distressing, but it’s a great warning system — listen to what you need — God will be with you and provide for you — I will join with others here to pray for your safety and for wisdom and peace and healing and the comfort only Jesus can bring. Know you are not alone, Take care x
I need to go through and read all the comments at another time, but did want to comment here ….
In my situation, I am so confused. My stbxh is so “nice” right now and it leaves me utterly confused. Even anxious. I am in the house and bills are being paid. I FINALLY have enough money for groceries and gas each week. However, when we separated, he told me one thing – and then went and did the opposite. He said he wouldn’t fight me but then went and got a lawyer. He is dragging his feet through this process, costing me more money. He talks about reconciling but never professes love or asks how I am doing, how the children are doing. He didn’t make amends at our church but went to a new church (probably so he could blend in and also spin his “sad tale” and elicit sympathy).
I just don’t know what to believe. As a friend reminds me, watch actions, actions, actions – do not listen to words.
It sounds to me like he is very aware of exactly how many and what kind of ‘repentance’ cards he need to play to keep you thinking that maybe just maybe he is actually changing — so that he keeps stringing you along and you remain tolerant of him because he is not being out and out bad in everything . . . so you you don’t arc up and call his duplicity and go-slow tactics for what they are: tactics of covert aggression.
Dragging his feet so that it costs you more money, not making amends at your church but going to a new church which will buy his poor-me story, employing a lawyer in direct contravention of his promise ‘not to fight you’. . . . all those are signs of duplicity and covert aggression.
His nice signs are just the other side of the covert aggression coin: he has probably carefully calculated and calibrated those ‘nice’ signs knowing that they will be just enough to keep you in doubt about what he is really doing.
Microgal,
My stbx strung me along and set me up. I was blindsided with divorce papers. This is round two! He manipulated me into dropping everything, only to TWIST every thing and made himself out to be the victim! The confusion and hurt only compounded onto the first battle! It is costing me a lot of money as far as attorney fees. I almost feel this is exactly what he had planned on doing all along . He wants me to suffer financially! It hasn’t been an easy stride but with the Lords help I’m hanging in there.
I still hurt and I still wonder why? Slowly but surely I am getting through my days. I cry out to God almost nightly to take this pain from me! I take comfort in knowing I can cry out to God because I know He hears my heart!
My prayers are with you.
My stbx is now nice, co-operative, generous etc… A repeat of past behavior when he was “repenting”. He is the victim and trying so hard to please his “crazy” wife. Perhaps it is because our state’s laws will strip him bare of wealth and property and hand it to me for what he has done. HIs consequences, they are a coming. This time I’m not backing down (therefore I’m crazy).