At the I Will Stand page on Facebook there is a post which all parents who have to hand their kids to abusers will identify with. Why do they have to do this? Because of Family Court Orders. AARGH!
Apologies for the double postings today. I know . . . I don’t always stick to our policy. But this one is so good I thought our readers all would like to have the heads up.
We encourage you to go to the above link on FB. But for those who don’t use FB, here is the text:
This is not the Easter message I wanted to write today. But life isn’t always about crosses planted dramatically in your yard, lilies garnishing the altar with their triumphant happy songs, white splashing over everything and baskets full of chocolaty grass.
This Easter morning, I had to give my two beautiful children to our abuser. This Easter morning, my heart can not sing. Christ is risen, and I pray for His strength to get through church today. This Easter morning, I just have to get through it, as I face the reality of my daughter, sobbing in her bed last night, clinging to me and telling me she doesn’t want to go to daddy’s and my son who just keeps repeating he wants to stay with me and his step dad. This Easter morning, I have to somehow reconcile the joy that should be in this day, with the stinging pain that permeates it for me.
There are so many smiling faces around me in church today and I just want to scream and cry, why? Why do I have to rip my little ones from me every week, and give them to the man I trust least in this world. The man that plays with their minds with his narcissistic exploits all around them, not thinking about them, unless it looks good or fits in with HIM. The man who ripped me to shreds, slowly, over many years and left my heart for dead. The man that does the same daily, to the little ones God gave me to love and PROTECT. And I can’t. I can’t. Oh Lord help me, I can’t. The law is blind and can not see his his filthy lies hiding under a plastic charm. The law forces me to expose them to his poison, over and over again, and this is absolute torture to a mommy heart and soul.
This Easter is “his” Easter, as if he deserves it simply because he donated half of their DNA. He never cared for them much. He didn’t even know their doctor’s name until we divorced and he called me because he had to take one of them in on one of his custody days. He didn’t even originally want my daughter, believing her existence threatened my son’s place in the family. He finds my son a failure, wishing he had a son who would be more outdoors and for heavens sake, not so emotional. As I left the house during the divorce, he said, “I need you to help me with son. He is so much like you. I can’t understand him. He is so emotional.” As if that’s a bad thing.
There is nothing I can do but choke back the pain and guilt that I feel in knowing what they face, as they walk into that door and he drops the mask he was wearing to look good for other people. He slips and slides through social roles like jello but when they are alone and no one hears, he allows the ugliness through. The poison slowly leaks into their hearts, so slowly that they can’t even understand what is happening. They just feel bad and don’t know why. Something is wrong, but what? He helps them believe it’s because of them. Attack and blame them for inciting him to attack.
This Easter, all I can do is beg the God who didn’t allow His son to stay dead, to extend just a fraction of that measure of protection and love to my kids. Protect their hearts. Guard their souls. Please God. The pain you felt on that cross…just a little of that pain that cut into you so deeply that day, was the tortured cry of my heart, for my kids.
~Deborah
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I had to share custody with a narcissist, too. It’s truly agonizing because we feel that we are handing our little ones over to someone who will use them and destroy them.
My little children were very naive and liked their dad, so that made me doubly concerned. I told them in a factual way that he had “done many bad things.” I didn’t try to hurt their relationship with their dad. His narcissism (coming late, standing them up, disappointing them, self-centered actions) did that for me. When they complained I told them they needed to ask him about his behavior. They had to get angry with him, not to look to me to fix it.
When they got to their teen years, they figured it out on their own. (This is really important.) Now over 18, they don’t spend very much time with him. Even my youngest (the one who had wanted us to get back together) sees him as very immature and empty.
Give God time. Pray for your kids’ protection. Be courageous.
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Your comment gives me hope, but it also hurts me that my babies will have to go through growing up and eventually “see” their dad for who he is. At this point they love their dad even though they’re confused and hurt by his behavior toward them, and they accuse me of “breaking our home” because that’s what their dad tells them. I just keep thinking, “Someday they’ll understand” at the same time as I hope they can be protected from the hurt!
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Lindsey,
Years ago when my children were young and going through the visitation thing, It was court ordered that niether parent would do or say things that would influence the children. I have to wonder what happened to that.
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Deborah, My heart goes out to you and your children. I can feel the pain in your writing. This world is so warped and the systems corrupt that would allow children to remain victims in situations such as this. The courts should be choosing to rescue these children and not think of the abusers rights to continue in their folly.
I am so thankful to God that my children’s father just went away and didn’t try to contact them much at all. I pray that your children’s father would disappear from their lives as well.
Brenda (((((HUGS)))))
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“This Easter is “his” Easter, as if he deserves it simply because he donated half of their DNA. He never cared for them much. He didn’t even know their doctor’s name until we divorced and he called me because he had to take one of them in on one of his custody days. He didn’t even originally want my daughter…He finds my son a failure…”
It makes me so sick to read this because I know exactly what this feels like. My kids are teenagers, yet the idiot judge I’ve had in Family Court is all for fathers rights, even if their abusive. Seeing the kids get in the abuser’s van and drive away with him when they don’t want to see him at all anymore tears me up.
“Please God. The pain you felt on that cross…just a little of that pain that cut into you so deeply that day, was the tortured cry of my heart, for my kids.”
The last sentence of that post was achingly beautiful and moving. Would to God that He would overturn the ironclad permanence of some of our custody orders.
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My kids are teens too, taller, outweigh me and yet I get faulted for not getting one of them to his dad’s. How exactly am I supposed to do that if he refuses. No punishment would work if I even tried( don’t want him to feel like his feelings and choices don’t matter) and I literally cannot pick him up and shove him in the car. Should I handcuff him and be charged with child abuse!?!? No logic!
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I know this pain too well. Something very deep inside is broken and torn when you and your children are forced to endure this week after week.
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Heartbreaking. I cant really think of worse pain than seeing your children suffer over and over again. Her children are pleading not to go. Its like the law is teaching their voice doesnt matter. Hope she can stay strong and her children be ok. i just dont know what we’re supposed to do.
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Deborah, I have never met someone who could so accurately and eloquently put into words the sickening battle mothers are forced to “fight” in order to comply with the law. After several years of forcing my children to go, I began to give my young teenagers a voice. I would never have sent them anywhere else they didn’t feel safe, so why would I force them against their wills to go with their father, just because he felt he had a right? I spent 4 years in court, and eventually faced contempt of court and 30 days in jail (while pregnant with my new husband’s and my baby)! I was more than willing to do it if it meant freedom for my children! In the end, the judge “let me go” with a series of larger fines including paying my exes attorney’s fees, due to the fact that it would not be in the best interest of my 4 year-old daughter at home, and my unborn baby (whom my doctor had written a letter to the courts about, stating the importance of protecting my fragile condition due to the high stresses of the impending court battles) for me to “pay my consequences in jail”. My older child was just short of 18 and basically got off the hook. The other? Not so lucky. How gracious of the judge…I mean, twisted!!
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This very reason is why I stay with my husband because I don’t trust the courts to do what is best for my child and at least I am still in control and can protect her. She and I go off and enjoy our extended family and lives and activities and trust in God. I am very independent and strong and have a good career. I would be ok but it would not be fair to her so it’s a willing choice I make to stay; it’s a sacrifice I don’t mind one bit and I teach her in the midst of this about his behavior. When she gets older and can take care of herself then I’ll be more at peace. No way would I hand her over to him now. […]
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