An Open and Shut Case: Or is It?
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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The YouTube link to the viral video referred to below has been removed by YouTube. But here is a news report from The Blaze that pretty well fills you in on what happened. In the video, the wife is screaming and swearing and throwing a fit over her husband not taking her to a lake. News reports all portrayed her as clearly nuts, whacko, a terror to live with.
But…
From what we know about abuse, is this the only possible explanation of her behavior? She does appear to be drunk or high on something for sure, but even then is this an open and shut case that proves she is the abuser in the marriage? If you can find the actual video clip and watch it, what is your take on the husband’s tone as he talks to her while she is in her tantrum? We here at ACFJ fully acknowledge that women can be abusers, and this lady perhaps is one. But it is always a good idea when confronted with these scenarios to really think things through and not run to conclusions quickly.
Here is the report of the event (taken from The Blaze). Read it and then share your thoughts with us, please. (Actually, here is a link to the video a reader just provided. WARNING: Full of some really rough language. [Internet Archive link])
A man’s wife threw an absolute temper tantrum when her husband wouldn’t take her to the lake on a Saturday. She didn’t realize he was video recording the entire fit and planned to upload it on YouTube.
The man in the video, Jim, apparently had already planned to do household chores and car maintenance on this particular Saturday. He says this is the way his wife regularly acts when “she does not get her way.”
Sadly, this would be the married couple’s last fight.
“After dealing with her drinking problems (“she is on probation for a DUI”), trying to patch things up through marriage counseling (“she showed up 10 minutes late and left”), and suffering in silence while she repeatedly tried “to convince all of her friends that I was always yelling and cussing,” Jim decided to call it a day.”
Further, Jim reportedly later clarified about the circumstances surrounding the tantrum and whether he promised to take her to the lake previously.
“Didn’t promise anything at all. In fact, I had worked 60 hours that week and told her all week that [S]aturday was my day to get stuff done around the house,” he wrote. “But as usual she threw a fit about it. She has broken doors off the jambs at our house…That was the last day I lived in our house. I have moved out and filed a restraining order against her.”
Jim also said he realized his marriage was truly over when his wife defriended him on Facebook.
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- Posted in: Supporting victims
- Tagged: abuser's tactics, deception, identifying abusers, Jeff Crippen
A Cry For Justice 
I could not find the video clip after a quick search . . . but, I understand completely what you are saying here, Jeff. I am slowly learning that I must, must, must not judge too quickly. Only recently, I have discovered that a few people I had assumed were the victims were, indeed, the perpetrators. I believed too quickly and then saw disturbing signs later. One woman (here) was abandoned by her husband who left her with their two children. One of those children became friends with my daughter. The woman (“Jane”) lives with her parents, now. A few weeks ago, Jane’s father let me have it after over-hearing a conversation I was having with Jane in the foyer after picking up my daughter. He did not hear it right and there was a misunderstanding. He yelled at me and I left crying. The family acted like that was normal and that I was over-reacting. A week ago, Jane got upset with my daughter and took her little face in her hand and yelled at her because she was not playing with her daughter but was playing with other friends at the pool! That was IT. But, for the past year, I had thought that she was the poor, abandoned victim. Now, I am beginning to think there is something very wrong, broken and abusive in that family!
Knowing what an abusive man can do to a woman . . . I would give pause to believing that it is 100% her. When my ex drove me to crazy-ville . . . I would respond in a godly way 4 out of 5 times. Now, I never drank or did drugs or anything like that. But, that fifth time would usually put me over the edge and he knew it. I am sure that I may have looked nuts to the outside world. I really thought I was going crazy from all the gas-lighting and deceit. And he would say, “Look at yourself!!” He would drive me to my breaking point and then point his finger at me (like the Enemy). And then I was racked with guilt. 😦 I have spoken with many other women who went through this same process.
After I left, I never again experienced such a crazy cycle. I feel normal and peaceful now. I used to think there was something wrong with me and that it was ME. But, I know now, that it was not.
Thanks Megan. Great insights. I added a link to the video, but also with a warning that it is full of some really foul language, so discretion is advised.
OK . . . I just watched it. He is ridiculing her. Laughing at her. She is crying . . . that was kind of awful. I could only watch half of it. I would absolutely not judge this too quickly. He is not even affected by her at all.
I think it is incredibly abusive to post a film of your spouse on YouTube…I don’t care what they’ve done. Films can be used privately by counselors or the court. Even though I could have showed footage like this in my relationship, I can’t ever imagine trying to take vengeance like this. As the psalm says…let my enemy snare himself in his own net. I will leave justice up to the Lord.
It certainly has the “smell” of a setup, doesn’t it?
this whole thing is very odd. I know the times when my ex pushed me to the point of hysterics, it was over his neglect and abuse of me – I never threw fits over not being taken out for recreational activities. I was too scared to behave in a manner like that…
on the other hand you’ve got this guy who is clearly setting her up, in order to make an international mockery of her, and he certainly doesn’t sound like a victim in any sense. This set up really reeks.
i have a friend who just separated from her (new) husband recently, and since I had listened to her badmouth this guy’s ex wife when they were courting, I was interested to know why she was leaving him now. She said “he’s controlling!” — surprise surprise.
The thing that I’m learning here is that what is in a person’s heart will come out eventually, through their behavior. You have to really pay close attention and not judge quickly. Just because this lady was throwing a tantrum does not make this guy’s behavior sensible…
Why does he have to keep repeating, “I didn’t do anything to you”? Who is he trying to convince? Why does he have to record his wife, instead of helping her calm down? Why IS he so calm? Answer: Because he is recording it! Makes me curious as to how the conversation would have gone, had he not been recording it.
He obviously feels guilty for something, or he wouldn’t have to keep saying on tape, that he hadn’t done anything to her. I think he is purposely driving her crazy – maybe crazier than she already is, but he is pushing her into it as well. Maybe he has never been physically abusive, but my guess is that he has definitely been mentally abusive to her. If he were of sound mind himself, he would have stopped the car and worked through it, putting his camera away and helping his wife. Even if she is the abuser, how many of us as victims, take the approach that this guy takes? How many of us taunt and demean and tease our abusers when they are abusing? Maybe that’s a clue right there. Maybe his crazy-making has just driven her over the edge and if she is a drunk, maybe that’s also why she’s a drunk.
He doesn’t really sound like an abuse victim, does he? We don’t have enough facts, so we can’t know for sure. But there is plenty of reason to have serious doubts about how she is portrayed here.
Why does it say “Sadly, this would be the married couple’s last fight.” ???
Quite possibly, this could be totally different than it appears. It is called ‘crazymaking’ and is done by a manipulative sociopathic controlling person. It was a ‘set up’ since he recorded it and then ended it when he said ‘when they see this video, they will understand.” I have seen sociopaths like he appears to be.
What a heartless man to post his wife on U-Tube as Otter said.
When I think of what Jesus DID in dealing with the messed up woman at the well when she was going off on different tangents to avoid facing the realities in her life, Jesus kept bringing her back to Himself, that He is the source of living water…which, if acknowledged could help her! The woman did later bring her whole town to the SOURCE of living water and to the Man who knew everything about her (7 husbands,etc)
If this man loved his wife and IF she was indeed an abuser, he would do as the just man Joseph was going to do, that is put Mary away QUIETLY. Being that he is so fixated on how “I’ve not done anything wrong!” and using her to prove his “rightness,” I smell a rat!
Good word, BSD! xo
Video-recording it with the intention of sharing it on YouTube is never acceptable. It sounds like he set her up. We also get a one-sided “explanation” of events. Nothing to corroborate it.
Although I didn’t have these kinds of tantrums, I remember feeling this upset and crazy. If I wanted to do something my ex-fiance didn’t, he often made me feel as though I was being difficult or unreasonable. For example, one time I simply wanted to order my own food (we usually chose together and shared everything). He turned it into a big scene by acting like I had just done something selfish by wanting to choose for myself. Another time I just wanted to help with a garden project and got excited about drawing out a map/plan with the ex- based on some gardening books I bought, but he said my way of doing things wasn’t the right way (he didn’t like planning…he just wanted to put the plants in). I had no say in the project, and I felt weirdly empty inside. It was so subtle at the beginning, but I found myself getting strangely upset (instead of tantrums, I withdrew and got quiet as I tried to understand why I felt so bad). He then distracted me from the real problem (controlling behavior) by guilting me for overreacting and wanting things my own way (blaming me for his own sins). Since I tend to accept fault easily, I thought I was in the wrong, and just sat there clueless and worried. Now I realize it was my gut instincts telling me to get out!
I think this girl is probably not even aware that she’s been abused by controlling behavior that has built too high. It’s so easy to explode when you can’t have opinions, your opinions/needs are ignored, and then you are made to feel guilty for having opinions. Then the abuser sits back when your brain overloads and you snap, and then he just gloats on how messed up you are and how much he suffers.
I made it through a minute and a half of that.
He’s not acting much like a victim. He thinks her screaming is funny. And why is this on YouTube? What are the chances this is her melting down due to yet another experience of crazy making gaslighting?
If I only tried a little harder, was a little more understanding, a little more loving. What a crock. From the outside it looked just perfect, but no one saw what went on when they weren’t around. I could have shriveled up in the corner and not come back out. If this woman was drinking, she was probably doing it to excape. Not that drinking is the way to go, but for how long was she being held captive? How long was she being told she was less than adequate? Who was she before him? Some people prey on others they feel are weaker and make the problem even worse. This man fits that description in my opinion. If this was the end of this relationship I am truly happy for her. Perhaps now she can heal.
I could only watch half of it. It feels very familiar to me. I can’t believe that she is the abuser here. No way to know for sure, but I would not take his word for it.
I recently watched the movie the duchess and it was really clear how abusive the system and the husband were and he was so cold and able to appear same. She on the other hand came off as disturbed to onlookers.
Very sad. No way to tell who is victim/abuser. I think Megan is on the right trail with her story of the family that considers abusive behavior normal. She seems to come from a background of family crazymaking and he from one that lacks empathy. His wise ass comments reveal his character. No surprise he posted this on You Tube. He is way more concerned with looking good than loving his wife, or even ex-wife sacrificially. At least the woman’s apparent intoxication supplies her with a partial explanation for her behavior. He is cold sober heartless.
I did read somewhere that she was said to be drunk. I didn’t buy it. They had just been for fast food and had those type cups in the vehicle. It is only by the grace of God that I wasn’t as far gone as she appeared to be. I always had Him to lean on in my darkest hours.
It never ceases to amaze me when a woman sides with an abusive husband and looks down on his bride. Perhaps they have a great husband and can’t understand that all men aren’t the same or they’ve never been married. My only thought is let them walk in my shoes for just a few days and see if their opinions change.
Marriage was designed by God to make us “better”, not to abuse, break us down and destroy us. Whenever “marriage” is used as a tool to break and humiliate, control and destroy, it is no longer marriage, as God intends and esteems marriage to be from His own design. Anyone who says God allows abuse from one spouse in order to sanctify us, is just out of touch with the Creator.
If this man and woman were in a marriage, the way God intended marriage, first of all, we would not even have this video to watch, as the husband would have loved his wife enough to lay his life down and take her to the lake. End of story.
Amen. If this woman was an abuser it was reciprocated and obviously he has gotten the upper hand. Marriage should help us to flourish, not tear us apart. How could any “Man” and I use the term very loosely, ever degrade the person he is to put above all other human beings no matter what she had done. There was no twinge of repentance or guilt in what he did. He put himself far above her or so he thinks. No compassion whatsoever. She may not be without sin, but I think if Jesus was to come knocking on their door he would be headed for him first.
If this man tries to use this in a divorce court, assuming the Judge is a good one who does not abuse his own wife or family and who is sickened by abuse, he will most likely think less of the man who taunted his wife. He will have words and thoughts for the woman as well, but his first thought is going to be suspicion toward the one who recorded the incident without his wife’s knowing it. There’s a reason he did this and it can be nothing less, although it could be much more, than to have evidence of him saying he is an innocent man and has done nothing wrong to his wife. Innocent of what?
We need to be really careful when it comes to recordings. The law is favorable right now, to not admitting into evidence, any recordings made without the other person’s knowledge. If that law changes, abusers will take full advantage of that, set their victims up and then they will have “proof” that their victim is just plain crazy. Bad idea to try to get recordings made without the other parties’ knowledge to be made admissible into evidence in a Courtroom, for whatever type of case. So many ways it could be misconstrued. Imagine all the ways a devious mind could set a victim up.
For me-the bottom line is that this husband recorded his wife without her knowledge and posted it publically. To me-he is a very cruel person. What kind of outrage would he be in if his wife turned around and did the same thing to him while laughing the entire time? It’s not funny. For him to do this to his wife or anyone else shows me that he is not loving but a VERY controlling, cruel human being. Does he hit his wife? I don’t know. Does she deserve his abuse from antagonizing her in her state and sharing their private moment with the world?-100% not. From a survivor’s standpoint, I stand with the rest of the comments here about totally losing it and feeling crazy. I have screamed, cried, yelled and thrown things to try to ward off the words and actions of abuse by my ex. He got a high off of bringing me to the brinks if insanity and then laughed in my face to try to antagonize me.
Why does he keep saying-“I haven’t done anything????” This is a red flag.
Sometimes we abuse victims get to the numb state of looking at the abuser and saying-“Go ahead and hit me and just get it over with so I can go to bed”. Would that be considered antagonizing the abuser or just trying to stop the rage?
Did this man set up this whole scenario on that Monday? Did he get his wife all excited about going to the lake together to try to work through their marriage because he loved her so much? Maybe because he hit her, cheated on her and she was getting ready to expose him so he had to act fast? Did he promise her romance and fun at the lake while he was pouring her glasses of wine knowing that she would act this way when she got drunk? Seems like he manipulated the whole thing knowing that she would be hurt and then he antagonized her because she was drunk, video taped it, posted it and laughed about it.
To me-he is an abuser and she is a very sad young lady that needs guidance and support.
Well-said, Catherine. I completely agree.
This is sad, I started drinking very badly .that was the only time I would confront my him is when I had been drinking. I look back and see how stupid I looked and sounded.he used these times to make him self look like the one who was being treated badly. I look back now and see my reaction to him was not a Christ like one. No matter what someone does to me I have to take resresponsibility for me. That’s just another way he controled me.
I don’t like this post. I don’t know how to evaluate the motives behind either of these characters. If the woman behaved badly to him and put on a show for everyone else, I have no problem with her true self being exposed to the world. If he antagonized her, he is wrong too. They’re both wrong! How about that!
I recorded X. I have hours and hours recorded. I haven’t made the recordings public. But I have them to remind me of the truth of who he really is when he thinks no one is around and what he did. He has heard a couple of the worst ones and he claims that he only acted like he did because I was making faces at him and I was very disrespectful. I deny that. It doesn’t matter though. The counselor we saw said if I had videoed it, he would’ve found a way to make it my fault. If I had witnesses, he’d accuse them of lying. It’s like today’s ACFJ fb status:
“Abuser’s mindset does not permit him to ever be wrong. He is never the problem. With all probability, if he were confronted, even if witness after witness testified to his abusive ways, he would not admit fault. He would blame and accuse. He would rationalize (very irrationally), drawing upon his uncanny ability to make excuses.”
Ellie – I don’t think it is always wrong to record abuse. In fact, if it can be done safely, it is often a pretty good idea. The problem with what this guy did is, 1) He put it on YouTube, 2) His demeanor is not that of a victim, which makes us suspicious, 3) The media is consistently announcing that this woman IS the culprit/abuser and this poor, poor guy got tied up with such a witch. But we all know how deceitful abusers are and the whole point of this post is not necessarily to convince everyone that he is the abuser, but that it is a great error, based on this single video, to conclude that SHE is the guilty party. And that is what every news report of this thing has done – condemn her without even asking questions. If you recorded in your case, good for you.
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
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I agree with Jeff C here. It was wrong of the husband to put the recording on YouTube for public consumption for that was actively inviting the media to judge and convict the woman. And it was very very wrong for the public and the news media to speak as if they know the truth about who is the guilty party in the marriage, on the basis of that one video.
I don’t think it is wrong to record for the reasons you did Ellie. In a way I wish I had recordings too, to use the way you have. I just don’t agree with publishing them or trying to use them in Court, if they were recorded without another’s knowledge, but you say that you made your abuser aware, so that would be different, even if you made him aware after they were made. The problem is as you say, he will always make an excuse or deny it. My counselor told me that the only thing that mattered was that God knew the truth, because there will always be people who either don’t agree or don’t believe what I say about the abuse or abuser; or who think that because my jaw wasn’t broken by my abuser, that I was not really abused. I am in a really hard time right now, and as hard as that is for me to live out, it is the truth and I need to live in that and stop worrying about whether anyone else will “get” it or not. There has to be some freedom and peace in that place, I just want and need to find it. I can see that your recordings help you stay balanced and mindful of how bad things really were. That’s good for those times when we question ourselves or minimize the abuse, to be reminded of what really happened. I think it may actually help with the crazy making times.
Ellie, I have screen shots of emails by my ex plotting with a girl friend to trick me out of residency of the family house. She denied that ever happened. I have never felt the need to show them to anyone. They did reveal to me the nature of her heart and helped me see I needed to let go of her, grieve my losses and move towards healing. That was way more valuable than any other use for the information. I hope you can use the knowledge of your recordings for healing as well.
I have been reading Hanging On By My Fingernails: surviving the new divorce gamesmanship and how a scratch can land you in jail [*Affiliate link], by Janie McQueen. On page 128 it says in regard to the USA:
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.
When I first saw this video yesterday, I thought it was not real in some way, but apparently it was…I don’t know, like the husband said lets see your biggest tantrum and then maybe we’ll go to the lake..That doesn’t really make any sense though except there was a sense of being contrived. Here is the follow up video which points out the couple had planned to go to the lake but apparently he pulled the plug and started rolling…Behind the Temper Tantrum:-RTM Gets Both Sides of the Story -Very much a planned sadistic control episode on his part.
couldn’t agree more
Why isn’t a law that she must give her consent for this to be viewed? I don’t know that she was drunk as he said. They had just gone for fast food and had cups like they had drive thru beverages. They’ve only been married a year if I heard this right. Shouldn’t they have still been honey mooning and not to that stage of control and mind games?
Based on this one video I don’t have a single doubt about who is the abuser here. I’ve heard that same script many many times, and I know it by heart.Everything is familiar – the sneering tone, the denials, the mocking laughter,the pretense of being reasonable while treating the other person with total contempt.The attempt to label her as crazy, the “it’s not my fault” and “I haven’t done anything wrong”.I feel so sorry for the woman, She seems to be an empathetic person, trying her best to deal with a ruthless and emotionless controller. It could just about be me in that video.I’m not stupid, I’m not crazy, I don’t drink or take drugs;but I know there are people who think I’m blameworthy and pathetic.Just because years of mental torture have caused me to very occasionally break down.
I think there are times when it is right and necessary to make a judgement about what’s going on.No-one should be fooled by this man’s attempt to vilify his wife in public.
His intention was to damage his wife’s reputation – – to show the world how ridiculous she was. That was wrong as has previously been discussed.
But how would a loving husband respond to a woman seemingly out of control in anger?
Perhaps, pulling over, finding a place to talk to his wife face to face, validating her disappointment, remaining quiet until she could calm down would have been ideas to diffuse her anger. Does he try to meet her halfway or find a resolution?
We don’t see any attempt to calm her down. Yes, he doesn’t raise his voice, but come on, he knows he is videotaping himself. He’s not going to sabotage his reputation. But in his quietness, we see some of his true colors: he laughs at her. His quiet laughing only added fuel to the fire. He is no innocent party in this marriage.
I can’t speak to her particular reaction, but I will tell you my first big argument with my husband was very similar. We had moved very close to Virginia beach and for the first summer we went almost every day. I was pregnant and there were plenty of days I just wanted to stay home, but he wanted to be at the beach. By fall I was truly sick of the beach. Fast forward a year to when we have a six month old baby. We had not been to the beach much at all, and had not much family time so I asked if we could go to the beach. He said he didn’t want to and I asked why. To him it was not worth the trip because of all of the extra stuff and effort involved when a baby comes along. This had been a trend, he was tired of unloading strollers all the time. I decided to put my foot down, I had been drug to the beach all during my pregnancy the man could tolerate one trip with strollers and diapers and snacks to take his wife and baby to the beach. A whole hour of tear filled pleading with him I gave up and informed him that me and our son were going to the beach and I would carry the stuff myself. He ended up coming. Looking back it seems like such a stupid argument and I got really really worked up over it. But it wasn’t about the beach, it was about the insane level of selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone’s feelings but his own. Just my thoughts.
That’s the sad part of this that people don’t recognize. They see a woman upset about something seemingly trivial, and it looks like she is the unbalanced one. People tell her that this isn’t something to divorce over…it looks like she’s just selfish. Meanwhile, the abuser is covering his tracks and gaining everyone’s sympathy. It’s their goal to confuse, undermine, and eventually utterly destroy their victim in their manipulative hatred. Then they discard the victim when she herself believes his lie that she is worthless, and he moves on to the next victim to tear down.
Exactly, and I will say that while working through my anger during my healing process I found myself wishing I could find an isolated place and scream exactly the way she did. I always felt like there was this woman locked inside me screaming and rattling her cage trying to escape. Keeping that rage down is part of what killed my spirit. So I get it. There are so many things that I may not consider wise, and I wouldn’t recommend doing it, but I sooooo get it, and I absolutely cannot look down on or judge it. When I saw that woman, I saw an outward expression of my inward self, and according to Jesus it’s the inward self that counts, so they could put me up on that same platform.
I don’t see any evidence at all that the woman is crazy or an abuser.But there is a lot of evidence that the husband wants everyone to believe those things.He clearly shows himself to be controlling, manipulative and sadistic. Her reaction could be seen as a form of healthy resistance – and as a result it appears she might get away from him.That is far far better than if she had been “nicely” behaved and submitted to him.
I would of liked to of been a fly on the wall to see what happened to get her to this breaking point. It’s just like when my husband would be so mean behind closed doors and then when the cops showed up he would make me out to be the bad guy. Of course this man looks like the victim…they are great at playing the victim. So frustrating! If you ask me they truly are wolves in sheeps clothing.
I saw him interviewed on a news channel yesterday and the host, a judge, and a psychologist all told him that what he did was the lowest of low by posting that on YouTube of his wife. He said he wanted to preserve it so he wouldn’t loose it and he was told he could have created a private YouTube channel if his goal was to keep it. They all agreed he needed to get serious help before he started a relationship with another woman.
AGREED!!!
Amen. I am so glad that the wolf was found out. Now that should be on YouTube.
Good for them!
I am sick to my stomach. I clicked through and watched this video from the Facebook page of a man I used to go to church with. Several other men from the same church made comments including, “That’s why the ball gag was invented.”
I smell a rat in this video and it is not the woman. To me, this looks like a setup to convince others she is off-balance and crazy. There was a period of time when the Ball and Chain would bait and provoke me and the children into fights and arguments. When it reached the level that made him look like he was being attacked and we were all angry, he would push “record” on the recorder concealed in his pocket. The whole time he would use a calm tone and ask things like, “Why are you attacking me?” His calm tone became the alert he might be recording.
As others have stated, this man does not have the demeanor of a victim. He is doing nothing to calm her down but rather pushing her further over the edge. He has no empathy or compassion. He is laughing at her in her distress. He is belittling her.
1:28 she asks, “Why can’t you just do it for me?” (go to the lake)
1:54 She says, “I’m having an anxiety attack.” He says, “It’s not my fault. I haven’t done anything, Whitney.” (laughs) “I just sat here.” Whitney: “Pleeease”
2:24 him: “This is my day to get ***** done too. And you’re acting like an eleven year old that didn’t get the toy from WalMart.”
Is this comment the smoking gun?
2:56 Whitney: “You’re not taking your wife out on the lake that we spent money for.”
She is stroking her hair trying to calm herself. When he says he’s gotta get his truck maintained, she says her car is long over due. He says, “It’s not my fault” and tells her to keep asking people for help until she gets it. Why hasn’t he taken care of her car? Whitney: 3:35 “That’s why everyone makes comments at work about you.” He then turns the camera on himself and says, “When they see this video they’ll understand.”
I stumbled across this video on FB last night and without reading this intro came to the same conclusion most of you did after being horrible triggered by the video. Here is the response I posted on the FB link: This is triggering and disturbing… Two questions 1. Why is she freaking out about something so small? (is it because she is immature and wants everything her way or is it because he is constantly promising her things and then ripping them away from her and making her feel like she is going crazy?) and 2. What kind of messed up husband posts disrespectful crap like this about the woman he is supposed to love and cherish? Now everyone gets to see her act like this without context and render judgment. I couldn’t even finish watching this.
I think that honestly it is a case of two abusive non-believers destroying each other.
Bethany, I think it’s easy to be alarmed at her behavior because it’s so abnormal for an adult, but I try to tell myself that abuse is an an abnormal thing, and brings out abnormal reactions. I may be wrong, but I think that an immature person who wants her own way will sound less frustrated and more controlling. Controlling rage is not the same as helpless crying. She doesn’t sound like she wants to punish him as much as she is expressing utter frustration. She is having a meltdown.
Your second question hits the nail on the head, though. If he wanted to use that moment to communicate something to her and to improve their marriage, he would not have posted it that way. That smacks of disregard. It some states, it is illegal. So at least we know one person has done something totally unacceptable. Whether she is a controlling abusive spouse depends on whether she routinely displays a pattern of controlling, coercive behavior.
I wanted to more or less sum up the discussion here regarding recording someone who does not know they are being recorded. It is not always wrong, and sometimes it is a good thing. We need to take care that laws are obeyed, and that our motives are right. But we also don’t want to say “guilty” to any or all abuse victims who have recorded the evil Mr. Hyde for honest and just reasons. What this guy did on this video, in recording it and putting it on YouTube, condemns HIM however. His tone, his words all scream of a set up. And it is one thing to show such a recording to certain significant people who can make a difference. It is quite another to laughingly put it out to the world.
I only made it halfway through the video so my comment is based on that part of it.
The husband is torturing her, enjoying it, acting like he is so reasonable and framing it up so that she seems crazy. Lived it.
How she’s BEGGING him to just let her get cigarettes, to go home, to HEAR her, and all he does is continue to torture her and continue to state that he hasn’t done anything wrong and that he forewarned her that he was gonna do this or that and that she shouldn’t expect anything from him. All classic stuff from Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Should I Stay of Should I Go?” which I’m currently reading. (Please review Barb and Jeff’s warning regarding Lundy.)
In the early days of God waking me up, we had lost our home but God provided us with a good and safe place to live, but my husband STILL fought all the time and created dissention. I remember this day very clearly because I actually got down on my knees and BEGGED him to hear me; to hear my heart, to see reality, to realize all the horror that he had caused. His response? I was acting like a Pharisee…just look at me, on my knees like I was so holy. He, like the man in this video, only cared about keeping the game in play (while he appears so calm and rational), about making me feel that I was overacting or a phony or insane. He didn’t internalize that HE had destroyed our family due to his selfish choices….nope, keep all the focus on me and my supposedly inappropriate behavior.
And once the video panned to her and I saw her rocking, trying to get out of the horror of what she was clearly forced to deal with all the time, she appeared like a little girl to me. A little girl begging her parent who was supposed to love her, to HEAR her and HELP her and all she got was more abuse.
Yep. That people would criticize her when HE was the one video taping, so he KNEW he was being recorded and thus acted like he was reasonable. I’m guessing he knew VERY WELL that she would act like this because he’d probably driven her to this sheer painful-to-witness response, many times before. I hope she’s left him and gotten help and moved on.