Barbara Roberts ♦ 25th May 2012 ♦ 3 Comments
I’ve been checking out the Marriage Missions International website recently and have posted a few comments there.
On one of my comments, I included a link to my Checklist for Repentance – “When Being Sorry is Genuine”
One of their administrators, Cindy, noticed my link and kindly added it into their post Signs that He or She Has Changed and Will Stop Abuse, so more people will see it.
I’ve also been commenting at the Marriage Missions post Don’t Be A Divorce Pusher. Feel free to go there and add your opinion. I would love to see generalist Christian marriage sites becoming more helpful to victim-survivors of domestic abuse, and I’m encouraged that Marriage Missions seems to be open to dialogue and suggestions.
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The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.
The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. When God punishes them, their punishment is just. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.
Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. This is the mistake most churches make. These churches have over-sentimentalized marriage and are legalists.
I find the marriage missions site very comprehensive, with many many articles on the many aspects of marriage, including abuse in marriage. In fact, I got a lot of my information from their links and resources. The sad thing about these kinds of general marriage sites is that many victims write in for answers, but either don’t get responses to their comments, or get misleading advice, or worse, belittled by abusers who pose as wise mature Christians. You can tell by the language they use but it is not overt, so most readers will not think to dismiss those words.
Dear Anon, if you haven’t already done so, you might like to submit the comment you made above to the MMI “Don’t be a divorce pusher” post as well. I think Cindy might be interested in what you have to say. I am very heartened by the way she has been responding so far.
Wonderful resources. Thanks for sharing these Barbara.