correcting his opponents with gentleness, God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, (2 Timothy 2:25 ESV)
True repentance is very rare. In fact, it is a gift from God (2 Timothy 2:25). In dealing with abusers, it is very important that we understand what repentance looks like and what it does not look like. Repentance does not use the language of blame or qualification. It does not insist upon conditions. Abusers who tell their victim that they are sorry and that they are changing and if only the victim could do _____, then they could do better, are not repentant. There is no room for excuses in true repentance. [Emphasis original.] (From A Cry For Justice [Affiliate link], by Ps. Crippen, p 193.)
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UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
A Cry For Justice 
….something for all of us to ponder. Thank you for this post.
Amen. Very well-stated.
Thank you for your gentle, firm reminder. It helps to keep us grounded, and moving forward. You speak truth.
(Airbrushing through the fog….)
From the original post:
Apologies from my “dad” were always in the form of some kind of “gift”. Even while a child, I recognized the “buying forgiveness” pattern.
I just did not know what it meant.
I thought it meant he wasn’t able to express an apology.
His “background”, you know. “Men don’t show emotion.”
(“Funny”. He sure knew how to express anger.)
Apologies from my anti-x were the simple word, “Sorry.” No emotion. No sincerity. Tossed out “off the cuff”.
Finally, I said, “Stop. If you’re going to keep ____________, don’t bother apologizing.”
He stopped.
Apologizing. Not the behaviour.
(Now he didn’t even have to “acknowledge” the behaviour.)
He was now like my “dad”. Except there was no “gift”.
They had “trained” me to forgive sinful behaviour. No acknowledgement. No repentance.
I did not know how to apologize. No one taught me the words.
But then, I was invisible. I had no voice.
Yet when the circumstances arose, I found the words.
When someone genuinely expressed hurt, I apologized and changed my behaviour.
(Now I know to call it repentance.)
Now I know something else….
I was able to apologize and repent if someone was not an abuser.