A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Thursday Thought — The Frustration of Explaining things to an Abuser

How many times have you tried to explain things to your abusive spouse with the hope that maybe this time he will “get it”?  Dr. George Simon explains why most of the time this effort produces no change in the abuser, only frustration for the victim:

You have to understand that character disordered persons don’t play by the regular rules, so trying to reach consensus with them and exhausting yourself trying to get them to “see” the unhealthiness of their ways is pointless.  I have a rhyme I like to use:  “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.” Character disordered people are not stupid people.  They’re contrary people.


  1. Anonymous

    “How many times have you tried to explain things to your abusive spouse with the hope that maybe this time he will “get it”?”
    Oh my, TWBTC. Have you been peeking through my window this morning?

  2. Barnabasintraining

    That’s a polite way of putting it. They “disagree.” Yep. They sure do! They disagree like their life depended on it! (It’s really just their ubber inflated sense of position and self importance.)

    • NotHeard

      Ditto to Anonymous’ comment! I try not to fall in the trap of getting him to ‘see’ now, knowing his nasty comments are just baits, and that that conversation is doomed from the start to spiral out of control, leaving me more hurt. But instead he gets frustrated that I’m not falling for his tricks, and gets ever more insistant that I ‘talk’ about issues, even following me round the house, nagging at me to draw me in, even to the point of physically restraining me. I don’t know what to do about his pestering. Except not respond. And phoning police if he pushes me around.

  3. Happy2bHere

    Trying to explain and getting him to understand how he is causing so much pain is a waste of time. It’s also a waste of time to try and reach out to his family members. He just throws a bigger pity party, they think he’s a great guy (mostly due to him telling them about all the great things he does-ha!). It’s ok, one day when I’m gone, someone will play the role of the scapegoat. How many “troubled” women will he go through before he or his family realizes the problem may just lay with him. Of course that is a wasted thought as they’ll probably sympathize with him that he just picks the wrong women.

  4. Brenda R

    I explained literally hundreds of times. Now X, still doesn’t get it. Only now he doesn’t understand why it is not ok for him to show up at my apartment. Last week it was with wind chimes from my old home, now just his, that he left out all winter. They were rusted and/or broken. He thought I might want to hang them. No. I told him there is nothing from the house that I want. I sometimes think he has turned masochistic and wants me to reject him.

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