A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

The Healing Power of Validation

UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.

***

Luther commented to Spalatin: I have seen the admirable words of our Most Illustrious Prince to our Lord the Legate of Rome. Good God, with what joy I read them and read them over again! [Here I Stand, by Roland Bainton]

Mat 10:26 “So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

One of the primary purposes of this blog ministry is to provide abuse victims with vindication. Martin Luther knew the power of it. The object of all kinds of wicked conspiracies for daring to take on the principalities and powers of the Roman church, Luther was scorned and maligned and falsely accused. So when his prince, Frederick the Wise, defended him and refused to permit Luther to be handed over to probable execution in Rome, Luther read Frederick’s words to the Pope’s emissary (Cajetan I think) with joy. And not only because Frederick was protecting him from the stake, but because Frederick was speaking up for him, protecting him, and validating him.  I suspect that many of our readers who have tasted that rare bit of affirmation can fully identify with Luther when he says “…with what joy I read them [the words of Frederick’s letter to the Pope] and read them over again!”

Abuse is the abuse of POWER. Always. Where there is abuse, there is an abuser with or craving for power, and a victim who lacks power, or has been made to think she lacks it. Abusers will often play the victim, bemoaning how little power they have, even claiming that the victim is the one with the power — but it is all a sham. If an abuser lacks power, he will still abuse by craving it, demanding it, and punishing anyone who stands in the way of his quest for it. Abuse is always about power. That is why it really illustrates so well the essence of sin. “No, God! I will be the Most High, not you! My law, not yours.”

Satan, not surprisingly then, is the great accuser. Who does he accuse? The brethren. In Christ the basis of his accusations has been shattered (the debt cancelled, nailed to the cross), but he still accuses. And so do his wicked children. Every abuse victim can tell many stories about how their abuser has accused them and lied about them. And they can tell stories about how people — even former friends — have believed those accusations and lies. How judges in family courts have believed the lies. One of the great outcries of victims is “no one will believe me.”

We at ACFJ often receive long, long emails. We listen to long, long telephone conversations. If an abuse victim phones, we know that we are going to be on the phone for at least an hour in many cases. Listening. Mostly just listening. Why? For the same reason Luther read and read those words from Frederick — the taste of validation. “You are the first one who has believed me” is the statement we hear so often. And so they spill it. Then they apologize for going on and on. But they keep going. Why? Because someone, a fellow Christian or pastor has simply said, “I believe you.”

One Day, one great Day…the most glorious announcement of validation is going to be heard by every single downtrodden, oppressed victim of evil. The Lord Jesus Christ knows every single one of His sheep intimately. He knows our every thought. He knows every single thing that happens to us. He knows every conspiracy devised against us and every injustice foisted upon us. He sees in the darkness. He is present in the innermost council rooms of evil. On that Day, everything that has been whispered in the darkness is going to be revealed. Christ’s people are going to be vindicated, validated, and rendered perfect justice. The wicked will receive justice too!

I wonder how many thousands of years we will play and replay that decree of perfect justice? Because surely we will be saying the same words Luther said — “With what joy I hear them over and over. Could you just hit replay one more time?”

Mat 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

16 Comments

  1. speakingtruthinlove
  2. Joyce

    Yes that is what you all have done for me on this blog. Thank you!

  3. Heather2

    I didn’t realize how important validation was because I suppose I took it for granted…. Until they all fled. Validation is huge!!! It is necessary for healing.

  4. Megan

    I agree with Heather2! Validation is huge!! It has healed my heart in so many ways and helped me to become more of the confident woman I knew I could be! I am so so grateful for this ministry — always. And I hope to become more of a validator, as I learn and grow. And THIS. This right here:

    “One Day, one great Day…the most glorious announcement of validation is going to be heard by every single downtrodden, oppressed victim of evil. The Lord Jesus Christ knows every single one of His sheep intimately.”

    Brings me such joy! And hope! One day, all of the truth will be revealed. I rest in these words. Thank you, Jeff C.

  5. The day I got validation from a pastor in 1999 was huge for me. Me and my separated husband were sitting at a table opposite my new pastor, to talk about the separation. My abuser parroted the line he’d heard from the elders at the church we’d attended together (I’d left that church because of the elders’ judging me for getting a protection order against my abuser.) Abuser says “The Bible says you must not take a brother to court,” and the pastor retorts right back at him, “But Romans 13 says God has ordained the secular courts for the protection of the vulnerable.” My abuser was dumbfounded. And so was I. Validation. For the first time ever from a Christian, from a man, from a pastor! You could have knocked me over with a feather.

    Who knows how much that validation gave me the confidence to eventually move into this ministry that I do now.

    • Brenda R

      Amen, Barb. That had to be a wonderful feeling. I have had a few ladies from my church tell me recently that I did the right thing. A pastor, that would have to be amazing.

      • Yeah, Brenda, when a pastor does it, the effect it electric!

  6. Forrest

    Reblogged this on Tùr Làidir [Internet Archive link] and commented:
    “We at ACFJ often receive long, long emails. We listen to long, long telephone conversations. If an abuse victim phones, we know that we are going to be on the phone for at least an hour in many cases. Listening. Mostly just listening. Why? For the same reason Luther read and read those words from Frederick — the taste of validation. “You are the first one who has believed me” is the statement we hear so often. And so they spill it. Then they apologize for going on and on. But they keep going. Why? Because someone, a fellow Christian or pastor has simply said, “I believe you.”

    This is huge. When I trained as a Samaritan, we were told that listening was the key to supporting people who were hurting. If we have our own agenda, then we are not really listening, we are too busy thinking about what we want to stay. Victims need to be heard more than anything else. When they are given the oportunity to talk through what they have experienced, withut being judged, then they are helped to process it better and are better able to see things clearly. This helps them identify a way forwrd. I cannot tell you how often I was thanked for helping a caller when really all I had done was listened.

    The other thing that happens when you are only concerned with listening is that you start to hear better. So if you really want to help somebody who is in crisis, then stop and listen.

  7. Brenda R

    Thank you all for listening and telling your stories. Both have been crucial in my healing.

  8. Robin M

    Thank you

  9. anonymous

    Thank you. for listening. for defending. for standing with the abused. So many of these posts I have read, of Jeff’s sermons I’ve listened to-have left me in tears and thinking YES someone else GETS IT. thank you from the bottom of me heart.

  10. Annie

    This site and Lundy Bancroft’s books are my validation. In the real world I expect I’ll be my own validation. For years I’ve held on to the belief that I am this wonderful person with a lot to give and not this awful person my husband tries to make me out to be. Soon I’ll have the opportunity to prove it to myself–which is scary and exciting at the same time!

    • sounds like you have a really good attitude there, Annie! 🙂

  11. Anonymous

    My daughter was the first person in my life who ever stood up for me. She did this consistently over the course of many years through much pain and suffering that was being heaped on both of us. She was the first person who noticed that the way my husband treated me was evil. When I told her the story of how my husband and I had met and married, she finally told me that this was a terrible story, not sweet or romantic or loving. I never knew this until she explained why to me.

    My husband loved couples counseling. It was a stage for him to perform from and he loved all the jargon, knew all the right things to say in order to garner sympathy for himself and to make me look like I had many problems that he was kind enough to put up with. We’d come to a point in our marriage where we’d decided that we would divorce after I completed my education. Since I thought we had agreed to these terms, it surprised me when he said he wanted to once again attend couples counseling. I was terrified because I already had severe PTSD to the point that I could barely hold two thoughts in my head trying to go to college, and now he wanted me to attend counseling. I asked my daughter if she would go with us and she agreed.

    So off we go to yet another counselor but this time I am armed with books on what my abuser is. He actually told her that we were planning on divorcing after I got my education and she asked what we needed her for. I can’t remember the reason my husband gave to her but I do remember her face when I asked her if she knew about psychopathy. She looked squarely at me and said, “Yes.” Her eyes immediately pinpointed and she stared HARD at me. (I realized later that she too was a psychopath and like many of her kind she was angry to not be the only one and she was also angry that I wasn’t impressed with her looks or charm {she was physically pretty} because I had learned long ago not to care about external appearances.) I had brought my stack of books with me in case she wasn’t aware of what being in a relationship with a psychopath did to its victims. She didn’t care about them.

    To get to the point of this story: My husband and this counselor started to gang up on me, but this time I had a witness as well as someone who had knowledge of abuse (my daughter). Being a young adult who had never been subjected to abuse by a marriage counselor before, she was outraged on my behalf and tried to stand up for me only to see as I had many times before, that there was no help to be had. After the first session I told her that she didn’t have to stand up for me if it would be easier on her because she was innocent of any of the crimes I was being accused of, but what she said next was actually a gift from God for my soul. She said, “Mom. If I don’t say anything and let them destroy you, when you are gone or out of the way, they will then turn on me and treat me the same way!” She KNEW the nature of evil and she would rather stand up with me publically, even though she could have said nothing and made her life easier, but she chose to fight for me. Can you even fathom how much this meant to me and to my heart? Me, a person who had never been loved, never been stood up for, and who had been made to feel like a worthless nothing, now had a person be so beautiful as to willingly jump into the fire with me in order to snatch me out!

    I can totally relate to how Luther felt when his friend stood up with him and how Paul felt in this passage of scripture 2 Tim 1:15-17

    “You know that everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including Phygelus and Hermogenes. May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. ON THE CONTRARY, WHEN HE WAS IN ROME, HE SEARCHED HARD FOR ME UNTIL HE FOUND ME.”

    What a beautiful example of love and validation and one we so desperately need to follow. To go out of our way to stand with God’s children.

Leave a comment. It's ok to use a made up name (e.g Anon37). For safety tips read 'New Users Info' (top menu). Tick the box if you want to be notified of new comments.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: