It was late at night — I was driving home. I was angry and frustrated. The road was dark and twisty, and I had to go slower than I wanted. I was mad because something that I worked hard on and made all the right decisions for hadn’t worked out right. I did my part, but God punished me instead. It made no sense. I wasn’t in sin — I was just trying to pick myself up and move on. That’s all I’d been trying to do since the divorce.
I was free; I was making healthy choices. I was doing life right again to get the things that should make me happy. But God wasn’t blessing me, he was making every opportunity for my happiness go sour. Everything I tried just failed miserably.
“I DON’T KNOW YOU” I yelled out in frustration. The words hung in the hair, and I flushed.
A small voice in my head said, “that’s right — you don’t”.
I felt shame. And release. And a strange sense of hopefulness. I just unlearned something — and I was one step closer to peace again.
You see, for a long time I had started to buy into the idea that trying to follow God wasn’t going to make me happy. I did all the things people told me following God meant, and those things crushed me. So I started to look to the world. I started to think if I had the right car, the right house, the right job, the right friends, then I could have a measure of peace. After all, I was due a little good fortune right?
No, I wasn’t. Because none of that “good fortune” was going to bring me closer to God. I didn’t need to see my strength and good work validated: that would have set me on the road to an inflated self image. I needed to see that I still depended on God, and that he DID have good things for me if I was willing to look past my own sense of accomplishment. Thus, this event was a major step of me remembering who God was. And this is the painful process of unlearning the lies.
As my pastor preached recently, many people struggle with the way they view themselves because they either place themselves too high or too low in their own estimation. The truth is, both a too high or too low of a view of self come from the same place: measuring our worth by those we see around us and the trappings of this world. For the average Christian, the struggle is to view self not the way the world does, but as God does: as ones not condemned, but lovable beyond measure. Not as those proud to be the best, but joyful to be children of a king.
But for most abuse victims, this is not the struggle. It is deeper and requires something much more than a change in perspective. It requires a process of unlearning that does not happen overnight, but only with a lot of work and time. Because the problem isn’t that they measure themselves against the world, it’s that their understanding of how God views them has been fatally distorted.
Abuse victims are taught that their worth is as ones to be twisted and destroyed. That they exist to be punching bags for abusers, and by extension God. After prolonged time hearing this message and learning this non-truth about God, is it any wonder that abuse victims can’t see themselves in a positive light? They cannot look through the lens of a loving God because they no longer see him that way. To tell them to look to God is to tell them to look to the one they think is disgusted with them.
And so we journey to unlearn the lies. The lie that the world would treat us better than God. The lie that God doesn’t want good things for us. The lie that he looks upon us and turns away.
I think sometimes we feel the pressure that we need to “snap out of it”. People can suggest we are dwelling in bitterness when we just aren’t “there yet”. But the truth is, unlearning a distorted view of God takes time and a lot of effort. We should not compare where we are now to where we think we should be, but rather where we’ve been. And understand that the steps can be REALLY painful.
As I look back, and I do think I’m in a pretty healthy place today, I can see steps along that journey that were very hard for me. That moment in the car when I yelled at God. A moment in my therapists office when I felt threatened and lashed out. That moment when I walked away from a church that I’d loved being a part of and had to say goodbye to dear friends.
These steps are painful, and some people never take them. It takes a lot of strength to work through the pain and unlearn the lies. So I want to encourage you who have chosen the path to life, don’t get down on yourself that you aren’t where you think you ought to be. Have compassion on yourself that there is a lot of garbage to undo and it isn’t easy. Take heart that you are not where you were and you will not be where you are much longer.
That moment in the car, I remembered the truth that temporal blessings aren’t what brings joy. I’ve always known that — I did not learn anything new. But I’d forgotten it, and I’d forgotten it a few years back. It was time to remember and unlearn the lies that caused me to forget. Painful? Yes — but worth it. Definitely worth it.
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Unlearning- such a great way to look at our triggers and pain! Also the pressure to “Snap out of it” I think I put that pressure on myself more then anyone else does. To be sure there are people who have given me the various “Get over it” speeches but I can walk away from the conversation or help them understand why that is not going to happen, but when it is self-talk then what do you do? I have always been hard on myself, self motivated, and I expect a lot from myself, but this is not a typical problem that I can just talk myself though. This is years of training. I too have yelled out to God and gotten an unexpected answer back witch made me realize that my view of God was way off base.
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So God timed for me to read this post as I am preparing to speak at a Tea fundraiser for abuse victims Saturday. It is my desire in sharing my journey that it be about so much more than ‘my’ journey for to me it truly is about the good, gracious,loving and merciful hand of God moving in my life. Thank you.
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“…unlearning the lies…” I can’t begin to tell you all how grateful I am for this site! Beating myself up over not being healed up sooner (2 years out from leaving abuser). I moved to a place where I didn’t know a soul except for one family member, a safe place where abuser wouldn’t come looking for me. I remember grasping at “straws” – looking for anyone who knew me before my marriage – trying to validate who I was… was I really as awful and pathetic as he had painted me to be for so many years? I found a handful of people who knew me before and during the marriage. I found that there were some who wanted to ask if I was okay (during) but wasn’t sure if it was safe to do so. Even with the support of some of those folks, I still felt empty. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle a great deal with how I view myself. Still can’t quite wrap my mind around why I am of any value to God or anyone else for that matter. Am taking it slow and taking the time to read in God’s word how much He loves me and trying to let it sink in. Thanks you guys, for your honesty, for sharing your hearts… it helps me to know I am not alone… that I’m not losing my mind.
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Wow, Jeff! Powerful! I am 56 years old, and I still have not unlearned some things from the abuse my mother heaped on me. Thank you for sharing this!
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We, my kids and I, foster kittens. Bottle fed ones who have been abandoned or something has happened to their mum. One of the favorite parts of it for my kids is naming the little wriggling balls of fur. It had me thinking this morning how important naming is. First task God gave to Adam. How much of unlearning and learning and being healing is naming things, calling them what they are..fear, abuse, false, truth…
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Bingo, SS. I never made that connection before.
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Love that, SS!
“How much of unlearning and learning and being healing is naming things, calling them what they are..fear, abuse, false, truth…”
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As a therapist who is, first of all, a born-again, Bible-believing Christian, I work all the time with those like you who are unlearning the lies. Thanks for this post.
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Oh the lies that we have been conditioned to believe about ourselves. Although I left my husband of 33 years, it was my mother who laid the groundwork of abuse. She was an angry woman who had taken out her own divorce on me by continuing to liken me to my father. She was quick to point out all of my physical flaws and imperfections. She was the one who abandoned me when I was little on a school playground while she ran an errand for her church. I believe that set me up to believe what a horrid, unlovable and ugly person I was. My ex husband abandoned me also, for other women, other hobbies, other anything. He left me in the hospital waiting to go home after I had suffered a fainting spell the day before. No matter what happened, I believed it was because I was defective. I was not good enough. God had made a mistake, in my twisted belief.
I never could understand why my life was fraught with these troubles, even after I was saved. How could I know that God loved me, died for me and yet continue to see myself as unlovable and defective? The past three years have been crucial in opening my eyes. And yet I still fight against the lies of my abusers. It seems to be two steps forward and two steps back. I haven’t given up on being healed, but I realize that it is a long and hard road.
Today is my mother’s 89th birthday. We live thousands of miles apart. She is in a home and has dementia. And you know what, I do not miss her. She did such damage to a little girl that she was supposed to love and protect. I have since chosen to not see her again. I cannot do it. And I have chosen to take care of that little girl and help her see herself as God does. That is all that matters any longer and it is hard enough. I no longer owe my abusers anything.
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In my observation, the path of healing often progresses two steps forward and one step back. But back stitch is much stronger than running stitch. If it seems like two steps forward and two back, I am pretty sure from having read what you write on this blog that there would be overall progress in the right direction, even if it may not feel like it at some times. The fact that you are not abusing like your mother did is a major break in the generational chain. And your choice not to have contact with your mother sounds fine to me.
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Barb, love your observation of a back stitch being stronger than a running stitch! that will be so helpful to remember
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Thank you, Barbara. As my eyes open I am able to make some much needed boundaries.
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Jeff, This is beautiful and powerful. I was nodding my head “yes” the entire time I was reading it! I know all of these feelings! I understand what it is to feel beaten down . . . to cry in my closet (literally) because of the things my sisters and my ex husband and mother and on and on . . . have said to me about myself. When you hear it that often, it is truly near impossible to separate God from those voices in your head. It is those deep paths in our brains that have been conditioned for such a long time in our lives . . . . as I grow and learn along with you and others, I constantly have to jerk myself off of those old lying paths to lay down new ground . . . a New Way . . . of Truth and reality. Sometimes, it is self-talk . . . most of the time through prayer. Sometimes it is every day all day . . . I go through phases. But, the beauty of our life in Christ is that we CAN lay down those new paths! It is possible because of Him. It takes work, though. I often wonder if I’ll ever get there but I see progress and it encourages me.
Working alongside you, my friend!
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Yes. I love this verse: Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
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What about your children unlearning what they have been taught about you, God, and themselves?
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In my case my son was young enough that there have not been a lot of false ideas of God, himself, or me built up in his life. Mostly my job is to just make sure he sees the truth of who God is growing up in a single parent situation.
Others who comment here have had lots of different experiences with this, though. For some it seems the children had a truer picture than anyone, for others the children have bought into the lies hook, line, and sinker.
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whenever we get depressed about our situation, I (AGAIN) haul out the story of Joseph. Just last week we were talking about it again, and I always get something out of it, every time I discuss it with my kids… for instance…when Joseph looked back on his life, everything that had happened, I wonder if he realized that the the best thing that ever happened to him was his family trying to kill him and selling him into slavery. That God can take the most horrific treatment and turn it around so completely that we end up praising him that it happened.
That’s the hope that me and the kids are clinging to. My middle son is wondering if maybe someday he’ll be “the ruler of all the food” too, like Joseph. ;)
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Hi, Buffy, welcome to the blog. :) That’s a good question. I think children have similar challenges to adult survivors, in this whole unlearning and renewing the mind business. There are so many factors at play:
—how much the child has taken in and believed the lies presented / modeled by the abuser.
—how old the child is an what their developmental stage is (e.g. are they still concrete thinkers, or have they reached the age of about 12 where they start to be capable of abstract thought).
—how much contact they still have with the abuser — that makes a big difference.
—how ready and willing they are to see and face the lies they have believed, and be open to letting God change those lies into truth….a process which can be painful in that facing the lies square-on can be acutely painful, but is sometimes the way God leads us before he brings in His truth and replaces the lie with the truth.
—those are just a few things. There are probably heaps more.
But with children, we have to approach them similarly to how we approach adult survivors: show respect for where they are at; give them empathy; invite them to talk things out and express their feelings and thoughts; offer suggestions but don’t coerce them.
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This is such a wonderful community of support for those of us who have gone so long without it and instead received less helpful comments. I read here often, but don’t always comment. Just wanted to mention how grateful I am for your site and blog. This is a place of sanctuary.
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Thank you Jeff for this post. I have been trying so to pull back together mine and my children’s lives. Realizing how far I have fallen away from the person I was before I met and married my 2nd husband. Where was the joy and trust I had had in my relationship the Lord. I have struggled with feeling abandoned, unimportant, forgotten sometimes. You have shed new light. I didn’t realize until now how my view of God and his love had gotten tainted while being married to my abusive 2nd husband.
Your post and SS ‘s comment: “how much is unlearning and learning and being healing is naming things, calling them what they are…fear, abuse, false, truth…” Has really helped illuminate why I have had feelings like I have…like what you described. Even reading Barbara’s post of Romans 12:2 took on new meaning. I know God loves me and cares and he reminded me tonight through this post and everyone’s comments! Amen!
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Oh, MAN, I can relate to this. I have spent a LOT of time questioning why God would ask me to stay in a relationship that was destroying me and my children.
Then He showed me Tamar this week. Amnon was rather bipolar, loved her till he abused her then hated her more than he had loved her. But TAMAR was asked by King David (type and shadow of Jesus) to make cakes for her brother Amnon. She was only doing what she was asked to do, why did she have to be desolated so?
God showed me that, yes, I was doing what I was told to do, trying to love my husband. But the desolation was not because God sent me in (He actually told me NOT to get involved with hubby), but because the one I tried to love didn’t really love me…he was after his own flesh. NOT MY FAULT. Not GOD’s FAULT, either!
We can still afford to trust God, to do what He asks us to do. Amnon will be Amnon, but God is greater.
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Amen, well said Laurie!
Reminds me of this paragraph in the Westminster Confession:
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I wonder how the unlearning first starts. Those of us who have managed to get “out of the fog” must have had a drop of revelation, by the grace of God, at some point in time. But I wonder about friends whose minds have been so traumatized that they can’t see their way out. They’re caught in a vicious cycle, where getting out requires a sound mind, but getting a sound mind requires them to first escape abuse. It’s not as if they don’t know they’re being abused, but they don’t have the mental capacity to think clearly enough to plan ahead. It’s painful watching them deteriorate to the point of mental/nervous breakdown. Where do you draw the line between not rescuing and duty of care as a sister in Christ?
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Wonderful post, Jeff S.
Unlearning. I remember having to “unlearn” much of my undergraduate and graduate school training in the field of education when I chose to home-educate. Home-education was a totally different ball game than a classroom setting. And those mothers who did not have the degrees were doing a much better job than I was…so I observed and relearned. It was not easy, but worth it.
Katy, the story of Joseph is one of my favorites, too. At present, I’m learning to come to terms with and face my reality (admit and put names on things) re the abusive situation I am in and what to do about it. It is a comfort to know that God has allowed me to be in this school of hard knocks for good reasons. One verse from Joseph’s story that gives me hope for all the pain is Gen 50:20. Joseph said to his brothers: “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
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I really needed this one today, both the original post and the comments generated.
Sometimes I forget how far I have come….
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Adding on to my own comment….
I am realizing how much I have lived someone else’s life, or more specifically, how my “semi-alter” lived my emotional life for me.
My “semi-alter” was my false bravado, helping me when I could not emotionally help myself. I was able to “thrive” and learn, to face a world not designed for an individual with so many “societal labels” attached.
I have no regrets, but I DO have a great deal to unlearn in order to live my life as God intended me to live.
While my isolation won’t change, I will no longer be isolated by “societies labels”.
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It’s been a difficult week. Can’t think for myself what to read, so I’ve just been clicking on recent comments and reading those articles.
This particular topic means a lot and as I read the comments I’m getting understanding from the examples, of how to change my thinking.
I’ve been facing up to lies that were put in my truth drawer by my ex, and which I allowed to sit there until today. There were specific experiences that caused me to believe that my needs were not important enough to spend time or money on.
I’ve got to get rid of those thoughts, and put truth in there instead.
But to get my mind to focus on that one specific truth; that God has all the time in the world to see that I am looked after; that’s a hard thing at the moment.
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Barbara, you wrote:
Oh my….this! I have 2 siblings that ended up living with my abusive father while I lived with my mother after the divorce. As children, we all acknowledged and have frequently told my father he was abusive growing up, to his face (never ended well). Fast forward over two decades later, I clearly see the differences in the way I “see” and how my 2 siblings “see” my father for who is really is now, especially as I just got out of my abusive situation. Based on their attitudes and how they respond and spend time with my father, they appear to be stuck in some type of denial. They frequently take l-up for my father stating how “he doesn’t know any better or he never learned how to deal with children or emotions, etc.” I am flabbergasted when they tell me this and it pains me that they cannot see things as it is but I do not blame them because that’s what I WANTED to believe growing up as well because that way I didn’t have to face the fact that my father did evil things. That’s a hard pill to swallow. So I totally understand but I have been labeled as the unforgiving and judgmental person.
I am grieving not only the loss of my abusive relationship that I now know was built on lies and deception but now it brings up an immense amount of pain / memories associated with my abusive father that I tried to stuff down within me for over three decades. My father has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to all of us but I got the brunt of it as I was the only girl. I always knew growing up that things were NOT right – I frequently tried to stand up to my father when he would go off on irrational tangents (albeit was made to feel guilty after). I stayed in denial throughout the years because I just couldn’t possibly fathom how a parent would want to purposely cause harm to their offspring!? Back then, the evil was incomprehensible as a child and I was sheltered from evil for most of my life but it’s ironic that it was in my home growing up. I really wanted my father’s love and approval and desperately wanted him to teach me worthwhile lessons about life, not just lessons about pain through silent treatments, anger outbursts, intentional withholding, and tangents about how I was worthless compared to my brothers because I was a female.
Now that God has opened my eyes recently do I see the damage that my father caused and I see him for who he is now and it hurts so incredibly bad – it’s like I’m reliving the pain all over again. So what you said above is so correct, Barbara! I don’t think I was “ready” in the past to deal with this pain head-on. With the close of my abusive relationship, I feel God is forcing me to face this pain head-on whether I want to or not. Since coming to realization about all this, I unfortunately don’t feel any desire to reach out to my father and I feel guilty about this but I am in too much pain trying to process all this grief that is hitting me all at once. They say when your spiritual eyes are finally “open,” it is a blessing but why does it also have a flip side to it? Having my eyes open to all these things are also causing an immense about of pain to flood through. I am asking because I really don’t have a logical answer for this probably because the pain is all too real right now in more ways than one.
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And Barbara, I have another question: many of us are in fragile states getting out of abusive relationships where we have been beaten down emotionally, mentally, and physically.
While I am forever grateful the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the true nature of my abuser, why does this happen? I understand it is a blessing and it’s a wake up call but my goodness….God didn’t just open my eyes to my abuser, He opened my eyes to an entire slew of things that I was completely unprepared for and many times, I have found it to be incredibly overwhelming to process. Is this normal?
I wish I got things little by little but for me, God literally opened the flood gates and let me “see” the truth about things in a very short period of time. It is very difficult to process and absorb and I can’t understand why He is allowing everything to “hit” me all at once given the state that I am in. Thank you in advance for your reply.
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Hi, B & D, you wrote:
Going by what I have heard and read -–– many testimonies from victims who are waking up and coming out of the fog —-– I can say that the speed with which the fog lifts seems to vary quite a lot from person to person. For you, it is happening quite fast. I think some people have it happen fast. Other people have it happen much more slowly, by dribs and drabs: they wake a bit then they go back into the fog a bit….and that cycles back and forth but the overall progression is spiralling towards light and truth, with the fog being less dense, less frequently recurring, quicker to dispel each time it has descended.
I don’t know why God is doing it fast for you. We could speculate about any number of reasons why He is doing it this way for you. But I don’t think I want to speculate on possible reasons: such speculation could be rabbit burrows that lead nowhere. What I do have confidence and faith in, is that whatever God is doing in you, He is going to carry you through it. Yes; it does and will hurt as the painful memories come back. Yes; you are grieving –-– perhaps more deeply grieving than you have ever grieved before. It may feel like you will not be able to bear it. I hope you can weep, sob, shake, cry….whatever helps you release some of the anguish. And it’s fine to keep commenting here! :)
I am not a therapist, but I have read things by therapists who specialise in PTSD. Some of them talk about strategies the traumatised person can use to slow (or get distraction from) the flood of flashbacks. I will give you some links that might be helpful.
This is our resources page dealing with PTSD. It has links to other websites that discuss PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
This article has tips for managing PTSD during dental visits. Some of the techniques recommended may be transferable to settings other than the dental chair. From tasting blood to feeling powerless, dental visits revive old trauma [Internet Archive link]
A testimony of healing from trauma
Neuroplasticity, learning disabilities and domestic abuse
Things I Wish You Understood: An Open Letter to Ministers From a Family Violence Survivor [Internet Archive link]
I have also heard that some survivors who have PTSD have found it helpful to tap with their fingers when they are feeling overwhelmed. I don’t know whether this means tapping on your wrist or some other part of your body, or whether they were tapping on a table or some other non-animate object.
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