A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Some Real Words of Wisdom – by “Survivor”

This article is short, but incredibly important.  I wanted to put it up where everyone can see it.  One of our readers, “Survivor” put this comment on.  Read carefully and learn —

“Lundy Bancroft exposes male abusers who claim they are victims by pointing out that those who are only interested in denigrating their ex’s and women in general are not victims. Victims understand how other victims feel. I think the same would apply to female abusers who pose as victims – if all they do is blame then that is a red flag.

The trouble is when abusers get counselled in church they get more covert because they know that they shouldn’t be blaming. So my ex’s speech often starts with a lot flattery and spiritual talk, then comes the blame, then all the talk about changing and taking responsibility. It’s hidden but it’s sharp and aggressive.”

Thanks, survivor!


***IMPORTANT NOTE:  While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns. 


  1. Now Free

    This just goes to show how manipulative an abusive person can be.. a passive aggressive manner that I experienced from my to be ex husband. It was insidious and very dangerous.

  2. Wow! Yes, very wise words. This is especially good.: “Victims understand how other victims feel.”

    Thank you, Survivor.

  3. I think one day we should compile a set of examples of the Language of Abuser.

    It would be very instructive. I’m sure we could identify the common denominators among them all. And we’d probably also be able to identify different sub-types.
    Here’s my guess as to some of the subtypes:

    … non-religious Abuser
    … psycho-babble Abuser (abusers who’ve learned counselling jargon)
    … vexatious litigant Abuser
    … pseudo-christian Abuser who is still living with the victim
    … pseudo-christian Abuser who specialises in scripture-twisting
    … pseudo-christian Abuser who no longer lives with the victim, so is concentrated on enlisting allies in the church to pressure her to come back (Like Survivor said above, these abusers avoid ‘blaming’ language, but they dig the knife in just as hurtfully in other ways.)
    … prayer group leader Abuser
    … Abuser language used to challenge victim advocates (maybe there’s even a special sub-type for those who do their attacking in cyberspace?)

    I’m sure we could find enough examples from our collective experience!

    • Jeff Crippen

      Barbara – How about you write “Domestic Violence and Abuse for Dummies”? Or “Basic Abuser-ese for Dummies.” Yes, I’m sure the blog community here could provide us with many real-life examples.

      • Basic Abuser-ese for Dummies
        I like that title.
        Trouble is, if we put up examples, the abusers will just get cleverer at disguising their tactics to make out they’re not doing it. Like Survivor said: her abuser has toned down the blame statements, but is injecting lots of flattery (to soften her up for the next blow) and to impress his allies in Church-land. We don’t want to give them hints, do we?
        It’s like how the police are always playing catch-up with the criminals who use technology to commit crimes. The cops cotton on to a new technique used by the pedophiles, and the crims just develop more clever techniques to evade detection. But I shouldn’t be pessimistic. We have God on the side as long as we stay on His side, the side of justice.

  4. survivor

    I’m wringing my hands in anticipation.
    When we were still together, he would gleefully point out that he didn’t do or say many of the things listed on common abuser lists. He said either the experts got it wrong or I got it wrong. It really kept me in the fog.
    Thank you Jeff,
    Survivor (the same one, but one among many)

  5. Jeff Crippen

    The following question was submitted by anonymous –

    He would gleefully point out that he didn’t do or say many of the things listed on common abuser lists. Was this a blatant lie or a twisting of truth to accommodate his position, such as subtly redefining words or coming up with technicalities to “prove” that point didn’t apply to him, etc.?

    • Anonymous, I’d agree with Jeff. I suggest you write those techniques down a bullet point list, and ponder them. Each technique is powerful on its own. Mixed and matched in combination, with the deft hand of the conjurer abuser-confuser, they are poisonous.

      Sounds like you are talking about an individual of the Evil One Kingdom, Abuser Division,
      Psycho-Babbleous Class, “Perpetrator Change Group Graduate who Knows all the Lingo about What Constitutes Abuse” Order, Legalistic Arguer Genus, Husband Species. Or should that be Anti-husband Species?

    • Jeff Crippen

      The answer, in all probability is – all of the above! All of those tactics are lying and deception, with the goal of putting all blame on the victim. Abusers are like Bart Simpson, only not funny – “I didn’t do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can’t prove anything.”

  6. God bless your ministry. Thank you for placing value where value is due: the souls of the lost.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Thank you Marie for the encouragement. We hope you regularly visit us here and become part of the community.

  7. Finding Answers

    For me, the abusers-playing-victim went pretty much across the board in who they denigrated, depending on what got them the most mileage.

    They could mimic empathy for victims, but the “tell” was the delayed response…of course, that’s from the perspective of hindsight.

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