Dear readers, a few hours ago a post was accidentally published here. ACFJ apologises for any confusion or hurt feelings that this error may have caused.
That post began to be drafted a long time ago, when the ACFJ team consisted of Jeff Crippen, myself and TWBTC. It sat in drafts for a long time, with little being done to further work on it. When I (Barb) received such heavy criticism late 2018, I decided I would probably never publish the post, but I kept it in drafts as it had some short-hand research “notes to self” that I might want to refer to later.
The post was accidentally published a few hours ago and then very quickly removed from the blog. But when a post is published at this blog, an email is sent to all our followers who have signed up for email notifications. So all those people have received the text of the post in their inboxes.
Again, please accept our apologies for this error. If you received the post in your inbox, please delete it.
Also, the post was automatically posted to the ACFJ facebook accounts. I have removed it from that account now.
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ACFJ…it didn’t look like one of your well-documented, researched and thorough posts….so I didn’t give it any more thought. However, I did have some of the same questions regarding Ms. Vernick. I have seen several of her videos and found some of them very helpful. But helpful in a way that one looks at things in hindsight.
I see CORE as a call to arms, a call to truth, and personally I used it to make sure I had done everything in my power to salvage a long-time marriage to an unrepentant man….in as far as I was able. I took responsibility for my responses and took the high ground while not engaging in sinful aggressive behavior toward my husband. It went from bad to worse as he used my honesty to further his abuses and pick at my shortcomings and failures.
It was ten years after the divorce when I first saw any Vernick posts / videos but I was still, after a decade, struggling with whether I had done enough (!!!) to salvage the relationship. And so I revisited all of the questions again, reviewed all of the responses, made clear my “no contact” rules, and continued the search for truth and meaning in all that happened during thirty years. Clearly I took more responsibility and tried harder!
Sometimes it IS about communication. Sometimes it IS about forgiveness. Sometimes it IS about restoring the relationship. This is what gives Vernick credibility with churches who do couple’s counselling and there are good tools to use. She is expert on affirmation and encouraging people to be the best they can be. She is aiming for a more general audience. And yes, unless you do freebie counselling at church, mindful that you often get what you pay for, it is expensive. We teach what we know and we make a living the best we can. I took advantage of the free videos and learned a lot. I haven’t the resources to do otherwise.
Barbara Roberts’ audiences are very different. She is in a truth war with churches and it is not an easy place to be. The church is unreliable and sadly uneducated in marital matters. There are so many other problems that when a couple fights they don’t receive high priority. As a matter of history, and a member of multiple churches during thirty years, there was not any improvement in how sinful acts are handled. The post-modern church doesn’t want to offend anyone. Churches keep their doors open. Pastors keep their jobs. The old easy rules are best. “Sit down, don’t rock the boat.” Thanks for all the encouragement, for helping me choose a better church….an honest truth telling church that is safe for the oppressed. I’m too old to fight the stupid battles, so I drive 35 miles to a church even though their are ten within six miles of my home. We live in a curious time. I will forever be grateful for not being alone in my struggle with post divorce torment. Mistakes are made by everyone.
I will remove your unedited post. No problem. I’m not afraid to use my real name. I changed it some years ago. I appreciate what you do to keep your posts and blogs safe for all. Bless you enormously.
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Mary Reid, I couldn’t have said it better myself. And I, too, am glad that there are a few out there who understand — truly understand — my similar journey with an abusive “Christian” husband of [over three decades]. Now, after I’ve “done all,” his lack of repentance (NPD) not only laid the path but nailed the coffin shut on our marriage. The Lord (not the church, not most other Christians, including some family) gave HIS affirmation of divorce, so now the divorce is almost final (legally).
And I appreciate the deleted post, which I did read in the email. I agree wholeheartedly, and want to thank AND bless Barbara and the others for standing for truth and justice on a hard, hard road against hard, darkened hearts and blind eyes. May the Lord encourage you, increasingly equip you further, enlighten you from every direction (including about His own love for you), envelope you in His grace and favor, encircle you with songs of deliverance and a canopy of protection.
Onward and upward — and thank you.
[Exact length of marriage airbrushed for protection. Editors.]
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JK,
I changed your screen name, as it appeared it might be too close to your name and potentially jeopardize your safety.
If you prefer a different screen name than JK, please email me at reachingout.acfj@gmail.com .
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ACFJ – you may have published the post in error, but it was beneficial to me to read the part about the Retired Navy SEAL, especially the part about what God taught the writer of that section. It’s encouragement that I’m on the right path in life.
As for Leslie Vernick and her books, I found them very helpful in many ways at the beginning of my journey. As I learned to manage areas of my life in a better way, I moved on to other books. One thing I’ve learned from my journey to healing is that not every book is meant for everyone. We have to find our own path. Consider book recommendations and suggestions from others, but realize it may not be your path to healing. What works for one person may not work for the next person.
Thank you for your blog. Many of the posts and resources you have recommended have been beneficial in my healing process. Thank you for your dedication of time and attention to detail too.
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