Thursday Thought — Why Did So Many People Side with Him?
On some days the following thoughts may rattle around inside your head: “Okay, I can kind of see his friends backing him up, because they only hear his side of the story. And some of them are kind of like him anyhow — that’s why they’re friends with him. But why have people I trusted taken his side? My own good friends? My brother? Our pastor? People who’d been neutral before? What happened?
Go back in your mind to the first several months of your relationship with your partner. Remember how convincing he was, how persuasive? Remember what a great guy he seemed to be? Remember how he made you feel bad for him when he told you about other people who had done wrong to him (including previous partners of his)? Abusive men tend to be skillful manipulators. Unfortunately, the same skills he used with you he is now turning on other people.
Additional factors play a part. In tightly knit communities, such as small towns and churches, people want to avoid anything that could tear their cozy network apart. They’d rather decide that a woman is lying about being abused than to take the scary steps involved in addressing the problem.
Some people are working hard to not face what’s happening to their own relationships, so they don’t want to think about how your partner has treated you — it’s too close to home.
And finally, we are a society that blames women more than men for what goes wrong in relationships.
So even though I’m outraged that they’ve turned on you, I’m not surprised. Do your best through this painful time to remember that they are the ones with a problem, not you. They should come up with the courage and common sense to look squarely at what has actually happened. Perhaps someday they will.
[entry from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?* pp232-233]
***IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.