Thursday Thought — How to Support an Abuse Victim
UPDATE Sept 2021: I have come to believe that Jeff Crippen does not practise what he preaches. He vilely persecuted an abuse victim and spiritually abused many other people in the Tillamook congregation. Go here to read the evidence. Jeff has not gone to the people that he spiritually and emotionally abused. He has not apologised to them, let alone asked for their forgiveness.
[September 5, 2022: There have been some changes made to this post. For more information, read the Editors’ notes at the bottom of the post. Editors.]
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.
The Abuser: Pressures her severely
So you should: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action — something the abuser never does.
The Abuser: Talks down to her
So you should: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wise than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
The Abuser: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does
So you should: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell her what to do.
The Abuser: Dominates conversations
So you should: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
The Abuser: Believes he has the right to control her life
So you should: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.
The Abuser: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does
So you should: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post-separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
The Abuser: Thinks for her
So you should: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me,” and you stand on the other side badgering her with, “Leave him, leave him,” she will feel that you’re much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgment of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, “What do you want to do?”
[Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He DO That? [*Affiliate link] pp 370 – 372. Emphasis original.]
IMPORTANT NOTE: While we endorse Lundy’s writings about the dynamics of domestic abuse, we do not recommend anyone attend the ‘healing retreats’ Lundy Bancroft offers or become involved in his ‘Peak Living Network.’ See our post, ACFJ Does Not Recommend Lundy Bancroft’s Retreats or His New Peak Living Network for more about our concerns.
[September 5, 2022: Editors’ notes:
—For some comments made prior to September 5, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be an exact match.
—For some comments made prior to September 5, 2022 that quoted from the post, the text in the comment that was quoted from the post might no longer be found in the post.
If you would like to compare the text in the comments made prior to September 5, 2022 that quoted from the post to the post as it is now (September 5, 2022), click here [Internet Archive link] for the most recent Internet Archive copy of the post.]
I’m Nobody Special; What Can I Do To Help Lazarus? — A guest post by one of our readers.
Don’t Waste Your Time Counseling Esau — He Isn’t Going to Change — By Jeff Crippen.
God only did one counseling session with Cain — By Barbara Roberts.
*Amazon affiliate link — ACFJ gets a small percentage if you purchase via this link.
- Posted in: Supporting victims
- Tagged: Lundy Bancroft, resources for supporters, Thursday Thought
I just finished reading the book. Should be required reading for every counselor. I am an experienced counselor & much of this material was eye-opening to me. Bancroft knows what he is talking about. His book is an exciting read. Hard to put down once you start but almost overwhelming when you consider how much work needs to be done to reverse the oppression of domestic abuse. I am thankful we have Christ as our leader in the fight.
Joe Godal, thanks for your comment and welcome to the blog. Sorry for the belatedness of my reply. I’ve been busy caring for my elderly father.
The wrong help described above pretty much sums up what I experienced in the way of support and help. It’s awful because if you don’t take this “help” politely and quietly, if you get defensive, protect yourself from being pushed around, get called a co-dependent or some other label (my favorite: “you don’t do anything about your situation because you don’t want to….”), then you are dismissed as not “wanting” help. Or labeled angry. I finally didn’t bother with “help” anymore, that includes most therapists, pastors, family and even most friends, and did what I wanted — and sometimes they didn’t like what I chose. This post contains wonderful advice I wish would be more widely published in this era of pop-psychology and though [tough?] love. To it I would add one thing, especially for the Christians reading this post: Do not make meaning out of your friend’s suffering — it is up to them to make their own meaning out of it and it may not be today that they get the “meaning.” Nothing worse than hearing: “God is bringing this into your life because you need to grow in such-and-such area.” and the like.
A coach I once received training from said this about getting support: “It is easier to qualify your support than to convince anyone of anything.” Meaning: If you find yourself expending energy trying to convince someone that you need the support you say you do, move on before you expend any more effort and find people who believe in you and will support your goals with more ease.
I wish I had had this advice before I spent decades trying to get help from people who where “supposed” to be knowledgeable or be caring — people I “should” have been able to go to for help and support. It is now a rule I live by every day, whether it is something concerning my marriage or my business or anything else. I am intelligent, I know what I need and I deserve better.
Very good point about making “meaning out of your friend’s suffering”. Isn’t that exactly what Job’s three friends did, and God called them on it! Job never really knew why he suffered the way he did and Paul never really understood his thorn, but what they did understand was to trust God. By trying to tell someone what the purpose of their situation is, we put ourselves in the place of God in their lives and that is not anywhere I want to be.
Reblogged this on The Shepherd/Guardian [Internet Archive link] and commented:
This also applies to churches, pastors, Elders and every other busybody who pridefully thinks they know “what’s best”.
What really helped me move forward with my constructive decision to break free, was that all the experts and friends gave me suggestions on what to read instead of telling me what to do. Not that I’m unteachable, but my pain was great (Still recovering.) and standing by my side gave me the reassurance that I wasn’t over-reacting and that my opinions and feelings are valid.
Very good post! Thanks for sharing!
Reblogged this on Life Inspired Thoughts [Internet Archive link] and commented:
I was fortunate that a majority of friends and family supported me in this way after my ex left almost 6 years ago after a 20 year abusive marriage.
Re-posting on my blog!
This is great.
Most of my “Christian” supporters have turned their backs on me, I guess I wasn’t doing it to their liking or fast enough, or whatever, so now my support comes from “pagans”….the world….yep, so much for the loving, caring church people….gotta love it! I am grateful for the resources available to keep my head on somewhat straight while I go through the court system and [get] closer to the divorce.
Lauralee, I have also lost support from the church, but I’ve experienced that God will use anyone He sees fit as an instrument to help His children (even perfect strangers). There is still a faithful remnant out there. So hang in there, sister, it will get better.
Bless you. I sympathize with your losses, not only of the hope of support but also true Christian fellowship. Even if you still attend church, being a full member of the body is not possible when people are not safe.
I wish I had read Bancroft’s book first BEFORE we tried marital counseling with a “Biblical” counselor whose overarching desire for us (note….his desire) was to save our marriage at all costs! My abuser was easily able to dupe this counselor. I felt victimized again while in counseling. If I ever have a chance to offer advice to an abused spouse, it will be to read Bancroft’s book first.
Reblogged this on reneerobertskopp [Internet Archive link] and commented:
A MUST READ for ANYONE who may at ANY TIME IN THEIR LIFE have a conversation of ANY length with a victim of verbal / physical abuse. (Note: verbal abuse always precedes physical abuse in a relationship but verbal abuse doesn’t always evolve in to physical abuse. I lumped them together to be inclusive of all victims.)
Thank you for this post and especially the information in the sidebar.
Barb or TWBTC, just a suggestion: this page would be the perfect place to link to my Lazarus post that you posted. Lundy’s is great in regard to general “this is the way to speak / act”; mine comes at the angle of specific ways to help, most of which were experienced in our church by the one I came alongside. Just as in any crisis, someone with compassion stating “Let me know if I can help” is so much more help to the victim if they ask “Can I do x for you?” (EX: “You are going to court Tuesday? What time? Can I go with you? Can I drive you so you have one less thing to think about.”)
Also linking Jeff’s post on how God dealt with Cain (no counseling) because the counseling issue is usually not supporting the victim. I believe his post is eye-opening for those who would truly like to help an abuse victim….those who just “sense” something is wrong with the way the church is handling the victim’s cry for help but just can’t put their finger on what it is.
Thanks! My heart to yours. 🙂
Thank you! Oops, I gave credit to Jeff for the Cain post by mistake. I’m glad you cleared that up and that you also posted his Esau post.
Thank you for adding the links to the Esau, Cain, and Lazarus posts. I had already read all three, but find it useful to be reminded of associated topics.
In reading through Lundy’s points that TWBTC posted, I saw many I had learned, but learned in — and applied to — two different sets of circumstances.
Gave me food for thought….thanks.
If you ever have any other suggestions for crosslinks to add to our posts, feel free to email your suggestions to TWBTC. 🙂
Does this include broken links?
I have come across some broken links in my travels through the ACFJ website. In some cases, the source blog no longer existed. In other cases, the source link had been moved….sometimes I was able to locate the new URL. (I occasionally do this with other websites I visit.)
In one case, I thing it was the Religion of the Pharisees Digest, the link was “out of series” in the context of the digest. I think 7 actually linked to 8? I could double-check and send the info to TWBTC.
I just wasn’t sure who to email, didn’t want to add to already heavy workloads, or come across as nit-picky. (Or, shuddering as I write that sentence and see it through a different lens, come across as an abuser.)
Hi, Finding Answers,
If you find any broken links or suggestions for crosslinks, you can email me at email@example.com.
And don’t worry about adding to my workload – it’s what I do!!
We like our readers helping us by pointing out broken links or other errors of logic or clarity that we might have made on this blog.
This blog is a community. We all help each other. 🙂