A Cry For Justice

Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst

Thursday Thought — Even a good day with an abuser is bad

Today’s gem from the GEMS page….

“Even a good day living with an abuser is a bad day.”

(ACFJ reader on realizing that when her abuser is wonderfully charming,
it is all still part of the cycle of abuse.)


  1. Brenda R

    So true. Now, every day living without the abuser is a good day!

    • Jesus' Beloved

      This is very, very true!!! I’ve never been happier since I left.

  2. Jesus' Beloved

    A good day with an abuser is nothing more than them faking that they love you and care about you so that you will forget all the cruel things they just did to you the week before, and you will stay. Or, a “good” day usually comes right after they have just abused you. As if nothing happened and everything is great.

  3. Isaiah40:31

    This is so true! And I remember, on the not-so-bad-days, dreading what was to come. I knew if today wasn’t so bad, then tomorrow or the next day would likely be horrible. Like Lorene said, once you recognize the cycle, you now realize that the good he is faking today is effort to erase the evil he displayed yesterday.

    Love what Brenda said!

  4. downtheroad

    There are no “good days” with an Abuser, just slightly less Bad days,when he tires of the game and lets some peace into our lives we know its just temporary, the “game” will start again, what annoyed him yesterday will not today, he will get back to changing the goal posts, to keep us always un-settled! its a shock to finally realise he enjoys the game,enjoys hurting and abusing us….the man who is supposed to love us is enjoying our pain, the man who is supposed to protect us is dangerous….it takes a while to sink in, to us who live in the “normal” world where those who love us NEVER cause us pain… One day we are free, we can live in Peace, the children are free to be themselves not always worried that they will cause an argument, two weeks after I made him leave there was noise in my house!…a new thing… i thought “what’s the matter with these kids” arguing, falling out,playing freely… it made me cry for the lost time, and every noise and argument made my heart fill with joy, we were free!!..

  5. sheleft2day

    There is only one good day with an abuser, that is the day you permanently decide to leave him.

    I am at [details redacted] after having been driven out of the house and being attacked as I left. He drove me out of my home fearing for my safety and I had no essential personal items [details redacted by Eds]. I had to get a police escort to get a few items.

    In all of that, he seemed to have absolutely NO empathy of how traumatic it is to be displaced from your home. He started with angry and cursing text messages which gradually became more apologetic and now they are “I love you”.

    I had left many months ago….and returned because he had sweet talked me into coming back. He then cut off all my sources of social support except for [details redacted]. I have been driven out of the house due to verbal assaults and he has weapons in the house. He became drunk frequently and I endured his drunken rages for years. He never remembered them the next day, so no remorse for all my trauma.

    He constantly assaulted me verbally for my lack of concentration — yet, how can anybody focus when every day is a life and death drama that ends up with a barrage of profanity and insults? He infringed my liberty of movement. He will no longer be doing that! I am getting out!

    • Hi, sheleft2day, thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you.

      I re-worded and redacted some details in your comment, for your protection. If your abuser happens to find this blog, I don’t want him to be able to identify you. The details I left in are details which are so common that they could apply to many situations where a man is abusing his female intimate partner.

      I encourage you to read our New Users’ Info page, for tips on how to guard your safety as you comment on the blog.

      I hope all goes well with you. You might want to consider changing your phone number so he can’t contact you. Or at least putting his phone number on your ‘block list’ so you don’t receive the texts he’s sending you. He will play all his manipulative tactics to the hilt. You are certainly not obliged or duty bound to read his texts or answer his calls! I urge you to not read them even if you only want to read them for curiosity, or to derive amusement from seeing him play all his manipulative tactics again. You’ve already experienced how he sweet talked you back once. Now you can learn from that experience.

      I suggest you go NO Contact with him. If that is not possible, reduce the contact he can have with you to an absolute minimum.

      I also urge you to dig into our Safety Planning page.

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